GRAB BAG EDITION

My father used to belong to the Knights Of Pythias. I never really understood what they did or why he belonged but a lot of Jewish men were a part of the local order. I guess this was pretty common in New York.

The one thing I do remember is the awesome holiday parties they held every year. This probably sounds strange today, but growing up in the 70s and 80s there were very few social functions where children were welcome. Kids were mostly viewed as an inconvenient and annoying responsibility. Not all the time, mind you. Just in most social settings. Most 'family' events were really parties for the adults. They'd feed us chicken fingers or spaghetti then hand us a few cookies and lock us in a room with a ping-pong table, a bowl of pretzels and a pitcher of red punch. While the parents smoked and drank cheap wine, we youngsters engaged in the suburban version of Lord Of The Flies. Typically, I'd sit in the corner and read a book. If we had been left on an island I probably would have gotten squished on a rock.

The Knights were different. Their party was truly a family affair with carnival-like games and fun crafts and an awesome grab bag of gifts. Now, most grab bags end up as pretty lame affairs. The Knights, however, gathered together some primo shwag: GI Joe figures, Tonka trucks, Barbies and games like Sole Survivor, Dungeon and Othello.

All this is to say that though today's links have no thematic link --a grab bag, if you will-- they are inspired by those fine Pythian memories. Quality goods. Everyone of them. Enjoy!

1. Get the New Year off on the right foot. Create your own motivational poster! Send me the results and I'll post 'em here.
2. If ever there were a video clip that demonstrated the tragic and comic faces of theater this would be it. It's from a Dutch talk show where the topic was medical care and mistreated patients. The interviewer's first question is: "So, after the accident, you come out of unconsciousness to find that suddenly, your life has been unexpectedly changed forever. How do you react to that?" The guest's answer is: "Well, my first reaction was disbelief..." It goes tragically and hilariously downhill from there.
3. Future Darwin Award winner.
4. Body Jacks. Cool things you can do to activate or thwart autonomic responses.
5. Got an old Masterlock you've lost the combination to? Here's how you can figure it out in less than 10 minutes.

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER STRANGE STATUE

Sorry for the absence, intrepid readers, my wonderful wife handed me a plane ticket to Seattle for Xmas and so it's been a bit of a whirlwind week for me. I'm using this precious time to get some personal writing done while visiting with friends.

Ain't I a lucky guy?

Anyway, this disturbing statue can be found in Nice, France. It's called Tête au carré. It reminds me of something you'd see on an Ayn Rand book jacket.

Since I'm on vacation, I thought I'd offer up some vacation-themed links. Enjoy!

1. This may be the ultimate B&B.
2. World vacation rankings. A country by country comparison of time off. Guess which family values Western-Industrial nation ranks near the bottom?
3. A really scary hiking trail. Really scary. No, really really scary.
4. Visit exotic lands. Become depressed by what we do to them. This is actually an amazing site that features multimedia storytelling. I've only watched the Kurdistan piece but it was terrific.
5. Planning on a visit to Victoria, BC? Be sure to check out the world's most high-tech public toilet. "Beam my BM up, Scotty!"

Finally, this last link has nothing to do with my theme but it's damn funny. It's made the Internet rounds over the past week but if you haven't seen SNL's digital short "A Special Christmas Box" it's well worth your 2 1/2 minutes.

XMAS EXTRAVAGANZA

This year our family is staying home for the holidays. Instead of spending thousands of dollars to fly on over-crowded flights, get served soda from pissed-off stewardesses... oh, excuse me, flight attendants (cue The Replacement's Waitress In The Sky here), shuttle from one relative's home to the next and struggle to transport forty pounds of $20 gifts home, we're going to enjoy a nice meal with good friends, pop in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the kids and get a nice gentle buzz on with some good wine.

I'm hoping my wife enjoys this so much we never have to travel for the holidays again... but I have a feeling the calls from siblings and parents will mean next year we'll be cramming into an overstuffed 747 and heading westward. Ah, well, I'm going to enjoy this while I can. For the rest of you... a plethora of holiday links to take you away from the tinsel-tinged torment of Christmas planning.

HAPPY CHRISMAKAWANZAA!!!!

"Oh, you better watch out. You better not shout. You better not cry, I'm telling you why! Cthulhu is coming to town..."

Myrrh? Check! Gold? Check! Frankincense? Uhhh....

Secret Santa or Chronic Kringle?

Profane Christmas mash ups. The alternate ending to A Charlie Brown Xmas is particularly brilliant.

A Christmas Gory.

The Christmas Myth. Or how I got a PhD in Bah-Humbug!

Yet another childhood Yuletide trauma.

A Charlie Brown Christmas - Performed by the Cast of Scrubs

Can't figure out what holiday movie to rent? Here are 100 suggestions. My personal recommendation is a triple feature of Die Hard, Black Christmas and Silent Night, Deadly Night.

For the pretentious artist relative who has everything.

Nothing says "I love you" like a BB Gun.

Gingerbread house design inspired by George W Bush and Co.

How to Make a really cool 3D Paper Snowflake.

How to Make Your Christmas Lights Flash to Music.

NORAD tracks Santa... but the TSA still won't let him bring shampoo and toothpaste on board.

And for our friends of the Jewish persuasion... Sarah Silverman's Give the Jew Girl Toys .

THE TITLE OF THIS ARTICLE DESERVES A LINK OF ITS OWN

Did the Vatican steal Jesus' foreskin so people would shut up about the savior's penis?


And speaking of penises...

1. I'd love to see a White House press conference interuppted by flying penises.
2. How about an order of Cream of Sum Yung Guy.
3. Ah, yes, the right to rape. Clearly one of Allah's greatest commandments.
4. A public toilet, an impending bowel release and a feisty toddler. What do you do? Fear not. There's a product for every situation.
5. Anyone out there own a Titty-Fruity?

EMPIRE BUILDING

The history of conquest in the Middle East in 90 seconds. Cool flash site.

And for those who dream of galactic conquest... here's a nifty size comparison of our heavenly bodies.

MUST SEE RUSTEDEYE TV

So, a few years back... actually a lotta years back... the Austin-based musical marvels the Asylum Street Spankers were denied entrance into Canada to play their bar gigs because of an undocumented roster change. So, the entire band --I think it was around 9 at the time-- crashed at my pad in Portland, OR for a few days before their Eugene & Seattle dates. It was a great time and my dog Maggie made lots of new friends. Most memorable was the epic search for weed before a screening of George Lucas's cinematic pile of crap, The Phantom Menace. Equally memorable were the impromptu jam sessions in my living room and backyard.

Anyway, the Spankers have this absolutely brilliant video homage to our country's piss-poor commitment to the troops. Watch it, link it, send emails to friends and family. It's that good.

EXTREME SIDEWALK CHALK ART

My son is a pretty well-known fixture in our neighborhood and it's not just because he's an extroverted guy. We live beside the entrance to our local park and on any given day during the Spring and Summer there's a good chance Nate will be filling our driveway with sidewalk chalk.

This site gives him something to aspire to.

Speaking of kids, here are a bunch of games your average tike would have absolutely no interest in. That is, unless he's a fan of Jung, Neitzsche and Descartes

And, finally, at any other time of year, thousands of Santas taking to the streets would be cause for alarm.

RUSTEDYE: THE FINE ARTS EDITION

Time to elevate the conversation around here. Today's links are 'arts' related. What does that mean? Not much. Just that I'm a pretentious bastard. Still, these are some damn cool links.

1. The pix above are from drawergeeks. All the stuff on the site is excellent but I particularly enjoyed the artist's reinterpretation of children's monster drawings. Select "kids creatures" if you want to see more.
2. How very very French. the only thing missing is the mime.
3. The Gothamist. Urban street art at its finest.
4. Good music. Cool finger picking/sliding. What will these kids think of next?
5. How to take pictures of Christmas lights.

BEFORE CGI THERE WAS RAY...

...Harryhausen, that is. This tribute is a real trip down memory lane. I used to love the Sinbad movies and one of the great things about having a 4-year-old is his complete enthusiasm for anything new. He hasn't been spoiled by pristine computer imagery yet so these films thrill him the same way they did me.

Today, I offer up another all movie clip addition of rustedeye. Short but oh-so discerning vids for your entertainment & edification.

1. Further proof that European commercials are so much better than our own.
2. The smooch test.
3. Scary Poppins.
4. Okay, I'm geeking out. This looks like some kick-ass, sword-wielding, homo-erotic fun.
5. The 109th Congress... don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
6. SEINFELD. "the horror... the horror." (a great joke that goes on too long)

JUST 9 MORE DAYS

“Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.” -Gary Allan

So, it's been a kinda freaky winter so far in Michigan. Tomorrow the temp is supposed to reach 54 degrees. It's only dipped below 30 maybe three times so far. Something is clearly amiss. I've been here for three winters and each one has been warmer than the last. My neighbor Dave has a snow removal business that ain't much of a business lately.

But let's not start blaming global warming. After all, we wouldn't want to be impulsive and start making policies that might undermine our economic stability.

Now, personally, I can't stand the cold. Living in the Pacific Northwest for 11 years spoiled me. Whenever the temp drops below 30 I get pretty damn grumpy. It doesn't help that SE Michigan is so damn gray. It depresses my mood mightily.

Which is weird because living in Seattle and Portland the five months of rain never really affected me. I think it was the combination of lush greenery and moderate temps that kept me buoyant.

"Roses are reddish

Violets are bluish

If it weren't for Christmas

We'd all be Jewish."

-Benny Hill

Anyway, my son Nate has been getting more and more excited about the upcoming holidays. Surprisingly, he refuses to list the things he hopes Santa will bring him. Instead he says he wants to be a surprised. Pretty sophisticated for a 4-year-old.

Lately, he's been telling me about this holiday where people light eight candles and play with a spinning thing. It's called Harmonica.

“Tinsel is really snake mirrors.” -Steven Wright

With Yule on the mind, here are some festive links to get you in the holiday mood.

1. 'Tis the season to get noodly.
2. For the evil villain on your xmas list may I suggest...
3. 2400 Christmas tunes... all at once.
4. A pair of charities that deserve your support: laptops or thumbdrives.
5. How Santa does it.
6. I'm dreaming of a black Christmas.
7. Life as a Mall Santa.
8. The ultimate family gift.
9. The Hairy Christmas Fairy. Egad!
10. Cool stocking stuffers (great gift site)

"People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December." -Ogden Nash

EXTREME ORGAMI

Okay, this dude is simply amazing. I can't imagine investing the time it would take to master a skill like this... but I'm damn glad someone else did.

When I think about it my paper folding skills are pretty abysmal. My paper airplanes won't fly and my Cootie Catchers (remember those) never worked right.

Anyway, today's installment is a desperate quartet of sexually themed posts. Enjoy!

1- Man, somebody seriously needs to get laid.

2- Turn Ons: Men who read comic books. Turn Offs: Literary Love Scenes

3- Sylvester Stallone is a gossipy little bitch (look half way down the page).

4- Let's say you find out your wife has had an affair and is now pregnant with the UPS Guy's baby. Here in Michigan it may soon be illegal to demand she get an abortion or move out.

"Dungeons and Dragons never goes away.
Girls can still smell that shit 20 years later. "

Today's post is dedicated to anyone who's ever rolled a 20-sided die. You're probably not proud of that period in your life... but admitting to your problem is the first step on the road to recovery.

1. The original television commercial for D&D.
2. Patton Oswald, one of my favorite new comedians, makes a guest appearance on Reno:9-11. It's brilliant.
3. Game night with the boys.
4. Stephen Colbert comes clean.
5. And while we're on the subject of geeks... here's one for the Trekkies.

"The Renaissance Faire may not be the source of all your problems, but it sure as shit isn’t helping any. "

ISSUE #3 OF "KNOW YOUR STRANGE STATUES"

This beauty is called Le Pouce (the thumb). It stands 36 feet tall and weighs about 18 tons. It's creator was Caesar Baldacinni and, so, it is often referred to as "Caesar's Thumb." When visiting gay Paris, don't forget to snap a pic of you with everyone's favorite digit. After all, it's what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.

This edition of rustedeye is all news... in case you missed the really important stories over the weekend.

1. The smell of death.
2. Why Jesus looks like he belongs in a 70s rock band.
3. The Underground Railroad... for assholes.
4. The perfect Christmas gift for your 8-year-old slut.
5. "It's not about hate. I have colored friends and they don't mind." So says Tiffany.

"Look, if you don't understand the rules of Robot Wars by now then I'm just not going to continue the conversation, OK?"

I love this.
'nuff said.
Enjoy!

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER STATUE

Some days don't you just feel a little like this? Maybe it's because I have kids. Don't get me wrong, they are incalculably wonderful additions to my life. However, their neverending needs do have a habit of erasing me from my own existence.

Is it me, or do Czech artists seem to have an uncanny ability to express existential dread? Big surprise that this statue can be found in Prague and is inspired by mirth-master Franz Kafka.

Lately I've been buried upto my neck in writing assignments. I can't tell you how deeply I wish I had more time to work on my own stuff. I'm glad that I actually earn a modest living working with words... but the truth is, work is work. While there's an undeniable satisfaction in honing my craft, I desperately need more time for indulgent creativity. Otherwise I might as well be flipping burgers...

...well, no, not really. After all, Burger King ain't gonna let me man the fryer in my pj's. Still, I gotta find some time for my own stuff soon!

"Life isn't long enough for love and art."

-W. Somerset Maugham

1. Sometimes you can judge a book by it's cover. My personal fave is "Best Friends."
2. Yet another brilliant Xmas gift idea. I want one now!
3. Internet double feature: Sexual Consent. Movie #1 and Movie #2.
4. Here's a chance to show everyone just how old you really are.... The National Toy Museum. How many of these did you have as a kid?
5. And in the beginning Walt said let their be rides. And there were rides. And it was good.

DID PETER JACKSON KNOW ABOUT THIS CHICK?

So, my father-in-law sends me this clip from some Star Search-type show and I'm thinking, "Hmmm, David Hasselhoff, not a good sign."

Still, the young woman with the bow is attractive and... HOLY COW that is too cool. Why this woman didn't appear in the Lord Of The Rings as Aragorn's kickass little cousin is beyond me. She's way hotter than Liv Tyler.

I guess she can always get a gig shooting clowns at Cirque de Soleil.



Then I discovered this clip. Clearly I missed the National Geographic Special about tribes of hot women who hunt with their feet.

THE NEWSROOM!!!!!

I am so excited! Today I recieved my DVDs for The Newsroom: Season 1 and 2. I've been meaning to get these for a while and now I can share their genius with my wife.

A Canadian sitcom, The Newsroom was one of best shows to appear on television anywhere. A bold statement I know but there you have it. Closest comparisons would be BBC's The Office and Garry Shandling's The Larry Sanders Show and as good as both were (especially The Office) neither can match The Newsroom's lethal blend of brilliant writing, impeccable acting and blacker than black deadpan humor.

Set at a CBC-like (Canadian Broadcasting Channel) news station, it follows news producer George Findlay (series creator Ken Finkleman), a man who is utterly immoral and cravenly narcisstic. He heads up a department of likeable but equally corrupt writers, news anchors and production staff who engage in a Machiavellian game of office politics. Scathingly funny and unabashedly irreverant, the show ends up revealing far more about the news industry than you might think.

The show's dialogue is a writer's dream, filled with the kind of fast-paced straight-faced wit you rarely (if ever) see on American television. Shot in a quasi-documentary style (later adopted by The Office) it is also blissfully free of a laughtrack.

A third season has recently been released on DVD and I can't wait to get that as well.

Trust me, if you like your humor smart, brutal and black, The Newsroom will chew its way into your heart and never let go. I can't recommend it enough. To order a copy, go here.

ONE OF THOSE DAYS...

Yup, it's already one of those days. When things go into the dumper early all I want to do is crawl under the covers and take a trip to snoozeville. Remember the scene in Office Space where Peter sleeps an entire day away as hundreds of messages accumulate on his answering machine. Actor Ron Livingston managed to capture the absolute sense of decadent peace, relaxation and satisfaction that 24 hours of slumber brings. God, I want that.

Anyway, this is the second installment in my Strange Statutes From Around The World series. Can you guess where it's located?

Today's link is actually from last year's Guardian website. Still, it's got lots of good stuff. A little warning, however:.. you can kiss 3 hours of your time goodbye. [link]

SANTA or SATAN?

Here are a few sites dedicated to recasting Old St Nick in a dark light. In particular, the photos of kids shrieking in unholy terror at Santa Claus are personal faves. Every December these sites pop up and they're always good for a chuckle. I remember my youngest sister exploding into tears every time a costumed Snoopy came by the table at the local Ground Round (a steak joint that was popular in the 70s). Her primal fear, I'm sorry to say, was the source of much laughter.

Luckily, my son, Nate has never been afraid of costumed characters like Santa etc. Instead, he first tries to get their undivided attention and when that doesn't work, attempts to get a peek at the poor shlub inside earning 10 bucks an hour to have kids torment him.

Anyway, for the Scrooge in all of us:

1. Scared of Santa
2. Santa's evil Finnish twin?
3. Santas on a rampage.
4. The evil Santa Generator.

ONLY 3 WEEKS TIL XMAS

-Think you know the Grinch? Prove it.

-Marmaduke Deconstructed.

-One man. Hundreds of bottles. Beautiful music.

-Bond gets some of those San Francisco values.

COOL ASS SITES

The above photo is an honest to God statue in Oslo, Norway. Over the next week I'll be featuring more bizarre, outlandish or just plain quirky statues from around the globe.

Okay, so if you're a regular reader of this blog you know how I strain and strive to find entertaining and informative sites to gobble up your precious time.

Well, today's post is well worth forwarding to friends and family. I encourage you to encourage them to read my labor of love (for what is a blogger without an audience?).

Seriously, I offer up a delicious dish of delectable links. Bon apetite!

1. The term "Mashup" was originally Jamaican meaning to break something. Today, it's used in reference to music and videos. Music mashups (or bastard pop) is a combination (usually by digital means) of music from one song with vocals from another. Mashup artists are constantly pushing the genre into new and exciting directions. Here's a bunch of Christmas mashups that will rock your world. It's called SANTASTIC.
2. Video Mashups are where multiple clips are edited together to create something new. If you've seen avalanche of mock movie trailers (The Shining as a heartwarming comedy or Sleepless In Seattle as a stalker flick) that have appeared on YouTube you know what I mean. Concrete Tv is a public access show in New York that features brilliantly constructed montages of violence, sex, softcore pornography, new video, and classic films. Unabashedly male in its tastes, it's also a masterful example of film editing as Concrete Ron juxtaposes shots from hundreds of movies to create a mesmerizing mashup of film sensationalism.
3. "Dialogue is what keeps the American system God-loving and anti non-God. It also keeps the anti-God loving non-Iraqi loving insurgent deniers able to voice their hideous so-called opinions over the American loving tolerant airways." Steve Martin gets political... sorta.
4. Sanjeev Upadhyay:"You are such a basted, you don't know, how do talk to any person. You are mental sick." Rishi Chadha: "Sentient has the money and muscle power to FUCK you in your back side so hard that your generations to come will be born defunct just the way you are mentally sick & defunct." It's an Indian flameware. Good to see employee-employer relations suck on the other side of the world too.
5. Superman is a dick!
6. My wife and I started taking yoga classes a few months ago. I can't wait until they teach us do stuff like this. (thanx Jeff Sherwood)
7. Ever feel like you need a song to properly express your feelings? Now you can. Here's a catchy little ditty I wrote for my neighbor.
8. You're lost in the woods. It's getting cold. All you've got is a chocolate bar and an empty Coke can. How do you stay warm? MacGuyver would know... and now you do too!

LONG DAY. POOPED.

A couple of random --but cool-- links. Check 'em out, trade them with your friends, and be the envy of everyone on your block...

1. Four Seasons With The Dead. Creepy but oddly peaceful.
2. My favorite museum in L.A. It was introduced to me by Jeff McDaniel... a terrific poet and friend I lost track of.
3. Here's a link to his poems.
4. If you're looking for an Xmas present for that someone special, how about a zombie portrait?
5. John McCain: Man or myth?

SHADOWS ON THE WALL

Tomorrow I once again brave the wilds of Birmingham, Michigan (where my best pal Jeff Sherwood first sprouted man hair) to catch the screening for Captain Sugartit's... er... Mel Gibson's Mayan epic, Apocalypto. I'm actually looking foward to this because I haven't yet figured out whether Mel's a genius or stark raving loopy. Whatever the verdict, he's a helluva filmmaker. When the paper runs my review I'll be sure to link to it.

Of the films I've reviewed recently, Borat, The Departed, and Flushed Away are worth your time. The Fountain is interesting for the brave at heart and though some will disagree, I enjoyed The Prestige and Stranger Than Fiction. Stay away from Bobby and For Your Consideration. Both are major disappointments.

So, in celebration of my favorite medium, this issue of rustedeye is dedicated to the wonderful world of movies!

1. My good buddy and writing partner in LA, Brian Robinson, has started a series of films called CONTRARY. I think they're damn nifty. Check out Branding (my favorite) and Hair Badge.
2. George Lucas once again intend to work his update magic and bring new life to a classic piece of musical cinema: Singin' In The Rain: The Special Edition.
3. This is a particularly disturbing take on Calvin And Hobbs thanks to the sickos at Robot Chicken.
4. Ditto for It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
5. And this is my absolute favorite Robot Chicken skit.
6. Hearts and Minds. Watch as America's finest torment Iraqi youngsters with a bottle of fresh water. Are these the troops we should be honoring? Shameful.
7. Daredevil lives! This TV news magazine story is truly amazing.
8. And finally, Patrick Stewart was here in Ann Arbor for the last three weeks performing in the Royal Shakespeare Company's Anthony And Cleopatra and The Tempest... neither of which I could get a ticket for. So, as payback, I offer up this moment of performance gold.

COOL STF 4 U - TMOT! (BEG)

If you are wondering what the hell I'm saying, you just aren't part of the Instant Text Message culture. Don't worry, I'm not either. But our kids are gonna be (if they're not already) so you'd better get with the program.

I'll start you off... BEG stands for Big Evil Grin. Now, go out and learn the lingo.... In the meantime, I offer up these yummy links! ...LD! ("later, dude")

1- Teach your kid how to defeat Goliath. Make your own slingshot.

2- Make your own warning label. Here's one I came up with...

3- Get a weekly review sent to your email from that most excellent magazine, Harper's.

4- Just in time for the holidays... THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER HOLIDAY PAGEANT. Now, this is what I call theater! If anyone sees this thing, please please please post a review here. If you don't know who the Pastafarians are... all I can say is that you're damned to eternal meatball hell.

5- And finally... if you still haven't found me the perfect Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa present, here's another not so subtle hint.

INFECTIOUS

The best laid plans...

...got hobbled by a crushing bacterial bug this weekend. So, my posts are a little late. Mea culpa.

Why is it that the only time I get to indulge in countless hours of sleep is when I'm too sick to enjoy them. Between Saturday and Sunday morning I racked up 16 hours or so of snooze time. Had I been healthy, this would have ranked as one of my best vacations ever. Unfortunately, it was a bodily act of necessity.

I certainly hope your Thanksgiving was more enjoyable than mine.

Whenever I'm holidaying (feel free to use this nifty new verb) news of the world fades from view. Thus, I was surprised to discover that esteemed filmmaker Robert Altman passed away. If any of you saw his last film, A Prairie Home Companion, it was pretty obvious that mortality was on the director's mind. Too bad it wasn't a better film.

Anyway, here are a few news items you may have missed:

1. Strange justice is better than no justice at all. [link]
2. How do you say "plausible deniability" in Russian. [link]
3. Ah, yes, the little known "simulating weapons of mass destruction" provision in the Patriot Act. Good thing the arrestees were only zombies. [link]
4. So, this 16 year old actress signs up to play the Virgin Mary in the Christian film feature The Nativity Story and... stop me if you've heard this one before... [link]
5. And finally, a heart warming story involving a skate park. Really. [link]

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

"You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink. "
~G.K. Chesterton

1. Need to create the ultimate family slideshow? Check out this awesomely nifty freeware. The hitch? You gotta share with the worldwide web. [fliptrack link]

2. A truly worthy cause: Ukes For The Troops.

3. If you're a female be glad you didn't make the list.

4. Inspire! Focus! Insult! The ultimate Christmas / Channukah / Kwanzaa gift -- make your own motivational poster.

5. Beware the Phantom Paw! (thnx Jeff Sherwood)

Mark Twain once said, " Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." Inspired by that thought, I thought I'd wax poetic on the multitude of things I'm grateful for. It was bound to be ironic. Instead, I decided to distill things down to the basics. Inevitably, I arrived at a list of cliches. But sometimes cliches are the truest facts of life ...and, from time to time, it's good to be reminded of the obvious. So, without further ado... I am thankful for:

My sons.......................................Good conversation
My wife.........................................Restful sleep
My friends.....................................Books
Family..........................................Movies
Good neighbors.............................Music
Clean water...................................Fresh air
Healthy food..................................A walk in the woods
Spices..........................................Wind chimes
The beach.....................................The mountains
Cool sheets, warm blankets, deep sleep
The opportunity to express my creativity, opinions and concerns
A glass of milk with a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie
Potato chips, pizza and ice cream

I'll be back posting on Friday. Until then, enjoy your holiday!

STUFF YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU NEEDED TO KNOW...

1- A urinal shaped like a woman's mouth. Who could possibly be offended by a thing like that? [link]

2- Ever wonder how many condoms you could wear at one time? Wonder no more... [link]

3- Stop the presses! This just in... car salesmen can't be trusted! [link]

4- How the rest of the world viewed our midterm election. [link]

5. Robert M. Gates for Secretary Of Defense? [link] Meet the new boss. [link] Same as the old boss. [link]

6. RUSTEDEYE EXCLUSIVE: Democrat's plans once they take control of Congress. [link]

ONE LAST TRIP...

Здравствуйте! Since my best buddy from college has lived in Russia for the last 13 years I thought it quite remiss of me to skip over his adopted homeland on my trip around the world. So, in honor of the former yet glorious Soviet Republic I humbly offer up two video links:

• Watching this video of the Moscow City Subway I can't help but think of the song Synchronicity II by The Police where Sting sings, "...packed like lemmings into shiny metal boxes..." I get claustrophobia just watching the thing.
• Welcome to the Lefortovo Tunnel in Russia. Procede at your own risk!

LET'S TAKE A LITTLE TRIP AROUND THE WORLD

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Today's links take us on a global journey of entertainment and enlightenment. Please secure your belongings in the overhead bin, put away your tray tables and fasten your seatbelt.

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Because you're strapped into what amounts to a flying petri dish, don't be surprised if you develop: strange rashes, flu-like symptoms, an itchy scalp, halitosis and foot fungus.

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No you cannot have a second bag of pretzels!

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Before we take off, no trip to the airport would be complete without a tale of TSA and airline idiocy:

• 4 out of 5 terrorists prefer the rubberband ball as their weapon of choice
• "Put that thing away! Don't you realize carry-on liquids are prohibited?"

Now that we've cleared the gate, settled into our seat and forced the armrest down between ourselves and the immense guy next to us, we can read up on first destination: Bolivia, home to the most dangerous road in the world!

Next stop: London, where Jedi Knights fight for 'interstellar' human rights. (Once they get them, they'll call their mom to come pick them up).

A quick ride on Eurail delivers us to Glasgow where rumor has it, U2 frontman Bono was responsible for mass murder.

From their we travel to the cradle of civilization. While vacationing in the Middle East, it's important to keep your head down and learn how to regain control of your camel.

Our last stop before returning home is the land of the rising sun where we meet the David Copperfield of Japan (stick with the video... the trick is truly amazing).

Now that we're back home in the good 'ol US of A we can indulge in a little Nevada -style xenophobia, refuse to trim the hedges for queers in Houston, and honor black World War II heroes in Georgia by segregating them from their more heroic white counterparts.

Finally, no trip would be complete without a few photos of all the famous places we visited.

Thank you for flying with Air Jeph!

QUICK HIT

Today's busy, busy busy, so I offer up a trio of videos for your entertainment and enlightenment.

1- The first is probably one of the best animated pieces I've seen on the web in a while. It's not that the CG is mind blowing but rather that the story is so incredibly bittersweet. It's amazing how much this sad but joyful little film got under my skin.





2- This amusing faux commercial is for the ultimate cell phone. Who knew the Poles could be so funny?




3- And finally, in a place between madness and desire, one man provides the voice for hundreds of films. That man is Don LaFontaine. [link]

EYESUEDE TYRE, RUDEST EYE... OR FUN WITH WORDS

I discovered this nifty site that will make an anagram of your name (or anything else you might enter). Rudest anagram of RUSTEDEYE? Why that would be TURD SEE YE.

John Maynard Keynes once said, "Words ought to be a little wild for they are the assaults of thought on the unthinking."

With that in mind I offer up these linguistic tidbits:

1. In Latin, the word disco means "I learn." I also think it means "women beware."
2. The origin of the word "checkmate" is the Persian phrase, Shah Mat, which means "the king is dead."
3. The word 'gymnasium' comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means to exercise naked... which, I suppose, was done a lot in ancient Greece. No wonder condoms are called Trojans.
4. The word avocado comes from the Spanish word aguacate which is derived from the Aztec word ahuacati which means testicle. Yum!
5. My pal Jeff Sherwood informs me that, in German, nipple is brustwarze, which consists of brust (breast) and warze (wart). Breast wart. Sexy!
6. In a non-related bit of trivia, actor Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom.
7. The names of the three wise monkeys are: Mizaru (See no evil), Mikazaru (Hear no evil) and Mazaru (Speak no evil). Now, if only they had a monkey for 'Fart no evil.'
8. Anasteemaphilia is an attraction to a person because of a difference in height. Which means, unless you end up with someone exactly your height, we all suffer from this condition.
9. The pound sign (#) is called an octothorp.
10. If you fear offending your foreign hosts, these handy tips will save you the humiliation of a cultural faux pas.

THE PSYCHIC PINCH

Because I'm a film critic for a Detroit paper, I have to drive into the Detroit suburbs for screenings. More often than not they're in Birmingham, which is roughly 45 miles away. The trip entails traveling along three different freeways and a pair of highways (it's not called the Motor City for nothing).

Now, driving the endless and compicated Detroit roadways is always an exercise in frustration and/or imminent violence. In some countries it might even qualify as a bloodsport. The average speed of your fellow traveller is 90mph and in three years I've lived here I can count on one hand how many times I've seen someone pulled over for speeding.

Anyway, I'm on my way to a critic's screening of Stranger Than Fiction last week and in three different instances I was cut off. No biggie, par for the course. One of them, however, decided to add insult to injury and flipped me the bird as he passed. On the way home, two more drivers decided to bull their way into my lane Road Warrior style (though one probably had no clue I was there because she was immersed in a cell phone conversation).

Now, I'm a pretty courteous driver. I let people over when they signal, I never tailgate. I'm a regular Polly Perfect. And I couldn't help but wonder, why can't other drivers be more like me?

The only solution I could think of was the Psychic Pinch.

Here's my vision... everyone, starting at the age of 21, would be granted the power of the Psychic Pinch. Once a day, by sheer force of will you would be able to deliver a skin-twisting pinch to the ass of anyone in your line of sight (though it wouldn't work on children). And I mean a real pinch, the kind that elicits a surprised' "Ow, that really friggin hurt!"

Now, the thing that's great about the Psychic Pinch is that it would be anonymous. You'd never know who gave you one or why (unless there were only two of you in the room). My theory is that if everyone had this power we'd all be a helluva lot more polite, courteous and patient with one another. If you weren't, you became a likely candidate for the pinch. Piss off enough people at one time and your ass could be black and blue for a week.

I imagine a world where good manners and civility actually increased as the day wore on. People would become nicer and nicer to one another... because anyone who hadn't expended their daily pinch would be looking for a deserving target.

Of course I have no idea what to do about the masochists. Tickles?

Anyway, as promised, I'm steering clear of the poltical stuff and offering up links that are a little more effervescent. Enjoy!

MOVIES

1. The Book of Job proves how much of a smug bastard God really is... [link]
2. "Quiet down, Rubes. There's a homoerotic volleyball game to play." [link] courtesy of Jeff Sherwood
3. Spongeback Mountain ('nuff said)
4. If you're a fan of Office Space, this mash up will rock your world. If you haven't seen Office Space, put it in your Netflix queue right now. I said, now! If you don't like Office Space, I can't be your boyfriend anymore.
5. Average Homeboy... hands down the worst demo video you have ever seen.
6. I love this video clip so much I had to embed it on my site. I dare you not to laugh...

NOW YOU KNOW...

1. Fireworks, a dropped set of trousers, what could possibly go wrong? [link]
2. Fireworks, punking your co-workers, what could possibly go wrong? [link]
3. Starlings... or that creepy black cloud from Lost?
4. How to get out of your cellular service contract. [link]
5. The coolest knife rack in the world... in case you were wondering what to get me for Xmas.

HAD ENOUGH OF POLITICS?

Well, it's almost over. Now the jockeying for the 2008 Presidential nomination begins. Ugh.

Tomorrow I'll switch gears and put up some awesome video links (there's one with a baby that I dare you not to laugh at... ), music worth listening to and just some general all-round nonsense.

In the meantime...

1- A Santorum by any other name... read this [link] then this [link] . BTW he lost his Senate seat last night. The picture above is his concession speech. While I loathed many of the guy's positions, I will give him this... he had a decent mission to the poor and voted to support assistance programs pretty reliably.

2- Eminem perfectly captures the mood of the electorate with regard to Iraq and the current administration. Whether you're a fan of hip hop (I am) or not, there's no denying this piece, written in 2004, still resonates today.

3- Here's an issue that almost all voters --Republican and Democrat-- can agree on [link]

4- The 5 states with the biggest E-vote problems. Unfortunately, hotly contested Montana is one of them. [link]

5- Now THAT'S one unpopular republican.

DEMS TAKE BACK THE HOUSE...

The only question now is by how many seats. I'm hoping it'll be by at least 15 (meaning a 30 seat gain). To show you how much of a pathetic wonk I am, I'm pulling for four Dems in particular who are running for the House. Scott Kleeb in Nebraska, Gary Trauner in Wyoming (Dick Cheney's old seat), Victoria Wulsin in Ohio and Tammy Duckworth in Illinois. All are running very competitive races in traditionally conservative districts. The odds are against them but if they win, it could be a real bell weather for change.

Things look shakier with the Senate, however. Missouri, Virginia and Montana are too close to call and the party needs all three to retake control. I have high hopes for all three... but Virginia could be tough. Tennessee has been mentioned as an alternate but I think it's a hail Mary pass at best.

Ned Lamont's loss to Joe Leiberman was particularly disappointing. Not because I hated Joe but because he turned this election into an self-aggrandizing ego-fest. I can't stand any candidate --Democrat or Republican-- who acts as if they are entitled to their office. They are representatives of the people and should behave as such. Leiberman has consistantly shown a disdain for the people he serves and the party he supposedly belonged to. That's part of the reason why he lost the primary. He didn't deserve a second bite at the apple.

Now, before you paint me as a knee-jerk, commie-loving, gay marriage supporting liberal (which I mostly am), I want to tell you about a little election day tradition I have. Every major election I look for at least one republican to vote for. I've been doing this since the late 80s when I lived in Chicago and voted for Jack O'Malley as the Cook County State Attorney. I have almost always been able to find at least one member of the other party to support. The gesture is more symbolic than anything else but it's important to my personal sense of ethics. Today it was for a republican running for U of M's Board of Regents.

Anyway, one thing we can all be thankful for regardless of party affiliation... NO MORE POLITICAL ADS... until the next electionrolls around.

If you voted today, thank you. Democracy cannot work without the particpation of its citizens. If you didn't... well, shame on you.

Here are some more links to pass/waste the time...

1. My favorite political ad this season.
2. Despite what the Christian Wrong would have you believe, many of our founding fathers had serious issues with religion. My main man Benjammin' Franklin, in particular, was a critical deist... a theology I subscribe to enthusiatically. When founding dude Alexander Hamilton (who should have been and would have been president if not for snapperhead Aaron Buhr) was asked why our Constitution makes no mention of God, he answered the our republican wasn't in need of "foreign aid." Anyway, you can read all about it here.
3. Proud moments in Secret Service history. [link]
4. 109 reasons to dump the 109th Congress.
5. Politics distilled. (another oldy but a goody)