GRAB BAG EDITION

My father used to belong to the Knights Of Pythias. I never really understood what they did or why he belonged but a lot of Jewish men were a part of the local order. I guess this was pretty common in New York.

The one thing I do remember is the awesome holiday parties they held every year. This probably sounds strange today, but growing up in the 70s and 80s there were very few social functions where children were welcome. Kids were mostly viewed as an inconvenient and annoying responsibility. Not all the time, mind you. Just in most social settings. Most 'family' events were really parties for the adults. They'd feed us chicken fingers or spaghetti then hand us a few cookies and lock us in a room with a ping-pong table, a bowl of pretzels and a pitcher of red punch. While the parents smoked and drank cheap wine, we youngsters engaged in the suburban version of Lord Of The Flies. Typically, I'd sit in the corner and read a book. If we had been left on an island I probably would have gotten squished on a rock.

The Knights were different. Their party was truly a family affair with carnival-like games and fun crafts and an awesome grab bag of gifts. Now, most grab bags end up as pretty lame affairs. The Knights, however, gathered together some primo shwag: GI Joe figures, Tonka trucks, Barbies and games like Sole Survivor, Dungeon and Othello.

All this is to say that though today's links have no thematic link --a grab bag, if you will-- they are inspired by those fine Pythian memories. Quality goods. Everyone of them. Enjoy!

1. Get the New Year off on the right foot. Create your own motivational poster! Send me the results and I'll post 'em here.
2. If ever there were a video clip that demonstrated the tragic and comic faces of theater this would be it. It's from a Dutch talk show where the topic was medical care and mistreated patients. The interviewer's first question is: "So, after the accident, you come out of unconsciousness to find that suddenly, your life has been unexpectedly changed forever. How do you react to that?" The guest's answer is: "Well, my first reaction was disbelief..." It goes tragically and hilariously downhill from there.
3. Future Darwin Award winner.
4. Body Jacks. Cool things you can do to activate or thwart autonomic responses.
5. Got an old Masterlock you've lost the combination to? Here's how you can figure it out in less than 10 minutes.

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER STRANGE STATUE

Sorry for the absence, intrepid readers, my wonderful wife handed me a plane ticket to Seattle for Xmas and so it's been a bit of a whirlwind week for me. I'm using this precious time to get some personal writing done while visiting with friends.

Ain't I a lucky guy?

Anyway, this disturbing statue can be found in Nice, France. It's called Tête au carré. It reminds me of something you'd see on an Ayn Rand book jacket.

Since I'm on vacation, I thought I'd offer up some vacation-themed links. Enjoy!

1. This may be the ultimate B&B.
2. World vacation rankings. A country by country comparison of time off. Guess which family values Western-Industrial nation ranks near the bottom?
3. A really scary hiking trail. Really scary. No, really really scary.
4. Visit exotic lands. Become depressed by what we do to them. This is actually an amazing site that features multimedia storytelling. I've only watched the Kurdistan piece but it was terrific.
5. Planning on a visit to Victoria, BC? Be sure to check out the world's most high-tech public toilet. "Beam my BM up, Scotty!"

Finally, this last link has nothing to do with my theme but it's damn funny. It's made the Internet rounds over the past week but if you haven't seen SNL's digital short "A Special Christmas Box" it's well worth your 2 1/2 minutes.

XMAS EXTRAVAGANZA

This year our family is staying home for the holidays. Instead of spending thousands of dollars to fly on over-crowded flights, get served soda from pissed-off stewardesses... oh, excuse me, flight attendants (cue The Replacement's Waitress In The Sky here), shuttle from one relative's home to the next and struggle to transport forty pounds of $20 gifts home, we're going to enjoy a nice meal with good friends, pop in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the kids and get a nice gentle buzz on with some good wine.

I'm hoping my wife enjoys this so much we never have to travel for the holidays again... but I have a feeling the calls from siblings and parents will mean next year we'll be cramming into an overstuffed 747 and heading westward. Ah, well, I'm going to enjoy this while I can. For the rest of you... a plethora of holiday links to take you away from the tinsel-tinged torment of Christmas planning.

HAPPY CHRISMAKAWANZAA!!!!

"Oh, you better watch out. You better not shout. You better not cry, I'm telling you why! Cthulhu is coming to town..."

Myrrh? Check! Gold? Check! Frankincense? Uhhh....

Secret Santa or Chronic Kringle?

Profane Christmas mash ups. The alternate ending to A Charlie Brown Xmas is particularly brilliant.

A Christmas Gory.

The Christmas Myth. Or how I got a PhD in Bah-Humbug!

Yet another childhood Yuletide trauma.

A Charlie Brown Christmas - Performed by the Cast of Scrubs

Can't figure out what holiday movie to rent? Here are 100 suggestions. My personal recommendation is a triple feature of Die Hard, Black Christmas and Silent Night, Deadly Night.

For the pretentious artist relative who has everything.

Nothing says "I love you" like a BB Gun.

Gingerbread house design inspired by George W Bush and Co.

How to Make a really cool 3D Paper Snowflake.

How to Make Your Christmas Lights Flash to Music.

NORAD tracks Santa... but the TSA still won't let him bring shampoo and toothpaste on board.

And for our friends of the Jewish persuasion... Sarah Silverman's Give the Jew Girl Toys .

THE TITLE OF THIS ARTICLE DESERVES A LINK OF ITS OWN

Did the Vatican steal Jesus' foreskin so people would shut up about the savior's penis?


And speaking of penises...

1. I'd love to see a White House press conference interuppted by flying penises.
2. How about an order of Cream of Sum Yung Guy.
3. Ah, yes, the right to rape. Clearly one of Allah's greatest commandments.
4. A public toilet, an impending bowel release and a feisty toddler. What do you do? Fear not. There's a product for every situation.
5. Anyone out there own a Titty-Fruity?

EMPIRE BUILDING

The history of conquest in the Middle East in 90 seconds. Cool flash site.

And for those who dream of galactic conquest... here's a nifty size comparison of our heavenly bodies.

MUST SEE RUSTEDEYE TV

So, a few years back... actually a lotta years back... the Austin-based musical marvels the Asylum Street Spankers were denied entrance into Canada to play their bar gigs because of an undocumented roster change. So, the entire band --I think it was around 9 at the time-- crashed at my pad in Portland, OR for a few days before their Eugene & Seattle dates. It was a great time and my dog Maggie made lots of new friends. Most memorable was the epic search for weed before a screening of George Lucas's cinematic pile of crap, The Phantom Menace. Equally memorable were the impromptu jam sessions in my living room and backyard.

Anyway, the Spankers have this absolutely brilliant video homage to our country's piss-poor commitment to the troops. Watch it, link it, send emails to friends and family. It's that good.

EXTREME SIDEWALK CHALK ART

My son is a pretty well-known fixture in our neighborhood and it's not just because he's an extroverted guy. We live beside the entrance to our local park and on any given day during the Spring and Summer there's a good chance Nate will be filling our driveway with sidewalk chalk.

This site gives him something to aspire to.

Speaking of kids, here are a bunch of games your average tike would have absolutely no interest in. That is, unless he's a fan of Jung, Neitzsche and Descartes

And, finally, at any other time of year, thousands of Santas taking to the streets would be cause for alarm.

RUSTEDYE: THE FINE ARTS EDITION

Time to elevate the conversation around here. Today's links are 'arts' related. What does that mean? Not much. Just that I'm a pretentious bastard. Still, these are some damn cool links.

1. The pix above are from drawergeeks. All the stuff on the site is excellent but I particularly enjoyed the artist's reinterpretation of children's monster drawings. Select "kids creatures" if you want to see more.
2. How very very French. the only thing missing is the mime.
3. The Gothamist. Urban street art at its finest.
4. Good music. Cool finger picking/sliding. What will these kids think of next?
5. How to take pictures of Christmas lights.

BEFORE CGI THERE WAS RAY...

...Harryhausen, that is. This tribute is a real trip down memory lane. I used to love the Sinbad movies and one of the great things about having a 4-year-old is his complete enthusiasm for anything new. He hasn't been spoiled by pristine computer imagery yet so these films thrill him the same way they did me.

Today, I offer up another all movie clip addition of rustedeye. Short but oh-so discerning vids for your entertainment & edification.

1. Further proof that European commercials are so much better than our own.
2. The smooch test.
3. Scary Poppins.
4. Okay, I'm geeking out. This looks like some kick-ass, sword-wielding, homo-erotic fun.
5. The 109th Congress... don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
6. SEINFELD. "the horror... the horror." (a great joke that goes on too long)

JUST 9 MORE DAYS

“Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.” -Gary Allan

So, it's been a kinda freaky winter so far in Michigan. Tomorrow the temp is supposed to reach 54 degrees. It's only dipped below 30 maybe three times so far. Something is clearly amiss. I've been here for three winters and each one has been warmer than the last. My neighbor Dave has a snow removal business that ain't much of a business lately.

But let's not start blaming global warming. After all, we wouldn't want to be impulsive and start making policies that might undermine our economic stability.

Now, personally, I can't stand the cold. Living in the Pacific Northwest for 11 years spoiled me. Whenever the temp drops below 30 I get pretty damn grumpy. It doesn't help that SE Michigan is so damn gray. It depresses my mood mightily.

Which is weird because living in Seattle and Portland the five months of rain never really affected me. I think it was the combination of lush greenery and moderate temps that kept me buoyant.

"Roses are reddish

Violets are bluish

If it weren't for Christmas

We'd all be Jewish."

-Benny Hill

Anyway, my son Nate has been getting more and more excited about the upcoming holidays. Surprisingly, he refuses to list the things he hopes Santa will bring him. Instead he says he wants to be a surprised. Pretty sophisticated for a 4-year-old.

Lately, he's been telling me about this holiday where people light eight candles and play with a spinning thing. It's called Harmonica.

“Tinsel is really snake mirrors.” -Steven Wright

With Yule on the mind, here are some festive links to get you in the holiday mood.

1. 'Tis the season to get noodly.
2. For the evil villain on your xmas list may I suggest...
3. 2400 Christmas tunes... all at once.
4. A pair of charities that deserve your support: laptops or thumbdrives.
5. How Santa does it.
6. I'm dreaming of a black Christmas.
7. Life as a Mall Santa.
8. The ultimate family gift.
9. The Hairy Christmas Fairy. Egad!
10. Cool stocking stuffers (great gift site)

"People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December." -Ogden Nash

EXTREME ORGAMI

Okay, this dude is simply amazing. I can't imagine investing the time it would take to master a skill like this... but I'm damn glad someone else did.

When I think about it my paper folding skills are pretty abysmal. My paper airplanes won't fly and my Cootie Catchers (remember those) never worked right.

Anyway, today's installment is a desperate quartet of sexually themed posts. Enjoy!

1- Man, somebody seriously needs to get laid.

2- Turn Ons: Men who read comic books. Turn Offs: Literary Love Scenes

3- Sylvester Stallone is a gossipy little bitch (look half way down the page).

4- Let's say you find out your wife has had an affair and is now pregnant with the UPS Guy's baby. Here in Michigan it may soon be illegal to demand she get an abortion or move out.

"Dungeons and Dragons never goes away.
Girls can still smell that shit 20 years later. "

Today's post is dedicated to anyone who's ever rolled a 20-sided die. You're probably not proud of that period in your life... but admitting to your problem is the first step on the road to recovery.

1. The original television commercial for D&D.
2. Patton Oswald, one of my favorite new comedians, makes a guest appearance on Reno:9-11. It's brilliant.
3. Game night with the boys.
4. Stephen Colbert comes clean.
5. And while we're on the subject of geeks... here's one for the Trekkies.

"The Renaissance Faire may not be the source of all your problems, but it sure as shit isn’t helping any. "

ISSUE #3 OF "KNOW YOUR STRANGE STATUES"

This beauty is called Le Pouce (the thumb). It stands 36 feet tall and weighs about 18 tons. It's creator was Caesar Baldacinni and, so, it is often referred to as "Caesar's Thumb." When visiting gay Paris, don't forget to snap a pic of you with everyone's favorite digit. After all, it's what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom.

This edition of rustedeye is all news... in case you missed the really important stories over the weekend.

1. The smell of death.
2. Why Jesus looks like he belongs in a 70s rock band.
3. The Underground Railroad... for assholes.
4. The perfect Christmas gift for your 8-year-old slut.
5. "It's not about hate. I have colored friends and they don't mind." So says Tiffany.

"Look, if you don't understand the rules of Robot Wars by now then I'm just not going to continue the conversation, OK?"

I love this.
'nuff said.
Enjoy!

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER STATUE

Some days don't you just feel a little like this? Maybe it's because I have kids. Don't get me wrong, they are incalculably wonderful additions to my life. However, their neverending needs do have a habit of erasing me from my own existence.

Is it me, or do Czech artists seem to have an uncanny ability to express existential dread? Big surprise that this statue can be found in Prague and is inspired by mirth-master Franz Kafka.

Lately I've been buried upto my neck in writing assignments. I can't tell you how deeply I wish I had more time to work on my own stuff. I'm glad that I actually earn a modest living working with words... but the truth is, work is work. While there's an undeniable satisfaction in honing my craft, I desperately need more time for indulgent creativity. Otherwise I might as well be flipping burgers...

...well, no, not really. After all, Burger King ain't gonna let me man the fryer in my pj's. Still, I gotta find some time for my own stuff soon!

"Life isn't long enough for love and art."

-W. Somerset Maugham

1. Sometimes you can judge a book by it's cover. My personal fave is "Best Friends."
2. Yet another brilliant Xmas gift idea. I want one now!
3. Internet double feature: Sexual Consent. Movie #1 and Movie #2.
4. Here's a chance to show everyone just how old you really are.... The National Toy Museum. How many of these did you have as a kid?
5. And in the beginning Walt said let their be rides. And there were rides. And it was good.

DID PETER JACKSON KNOW ABOUT THIS CHICK?

So, my father-in-law sends me this clip from some Star Search-type show and I'm thinking, "Hmmm, David Hasselhoff, not a good sign."

Still, the young woman with the bow is attractive and... HOLY COW that is too cool. Why this woman didn't appear in the Lord Of The Rings as Aragorn's kickass little cousin is beyond me. She's way hotter than Liv Tyler.

I guess she can always get a gig shooting clowns at Cirque de Soleil.



Then I discovered this clip. Clearly I missed the National Geographic Special about tribes of hot women who hunt with their feet.

THE NEWSROOM!!!!!

I am so excited! Today I recieved my DVDs for The Newsroom: Season 1 and 2. I've been meaning to get these for a while and now I can share their genius with my wife.

A Canadian sitcom, The Newsroom was one of best shows to appear on television anywhere. A bold statement I know but there you have it. Closest comparisons would be BBC's The Office and Garry Shandling's The Larry Sanders Show and as good as both were (especially The Office) neither can match The Newsroom's lethal blend of brilliant writing, impeccable acting and blacker than black deadpan humor.

Set at a CBC-like (Canadian Broadcasting Channel) news station, it follows news producer George Findlay (series creator Ken Finkleman), a man who is utterly immoral and cravenly narcisstic. He heads up a department of likeable but equally corrupt writers, news anchors and production staff who engage in a Machiavellian game of office politics. Scathingly funny and unabashedly irreverant, the show ends up revealing far more about the news industry than you might think.

The show's dialogue is a writer's dream, filled with the kind of fast-paced straight-faced wit you rarely (if ever) see on American television. Shot in a quasi-documentary style (later adopted by The Office) it is also blissfully free of a laughtrack.

A third season has recently been released on DVD and I can't wait to get that as well.

Trust me, if you like your humor smart, brutal and black, The Newsroom will chew its way into your heart and never let go. I can't recommend it enough. To order a copy, go here.

ONE OF THOSE DAYS...

Yup, it's already one of those days. When things go into the dumper early all I want to do is crawl under the covers and take a trip to snoozeville. Remember the scene in Office Space where Peter sleeps an entire day away as hundreds of messages accumulate on his answering machine. Actor Ron Livingston managed to capture the absolute sense of decadent peace, relaxation and satisfaction that 24 hours of slumber brings. God, I want that.

Anyway, this is the second installment in my Strange Statutes From Around The World series. Can you guess where it's located?

Today's link is actually from last year's Guardian website. Still, it's got lots of good stuff. A little warning, however:.. you can kiss 3 hours of your time goodbye. [link]

SANTA or SATAN?

Here are a few sites dedicated to recasting Old St Nick in a dark light. In particular, the photos of kids shrieking in unholy terror at Santa Claus are personal faves. Every December these sites pop up and they're always good for a chuckle. I remember my youngest sister exploding into tears every time a costumed Snoopy came by the table at the local Ground Round (a steak joint that was popular in the 70s). Her primal fear, I'm sorry to say, was the source of much laughter.

Luckily, my son, Nate has never been afraid of costumed characters like Santa etc. Instead, he first tries to get their undivided attention and when that doesn't work, attempts to get a peek at the poor shlub inside earning 10 bucks an hour to have kids torment him.

Anyway, for the Scrooge in all of us:

1. Scared of Santa
2. Santa's evil Finnish twin?
3. Santas on a rampage.
4. The evil Santa Generator.

ONLY 3 WEEKS TIL XMAS

-Think you know the Grinch? Prove it.

-Marmaduke Deconstructed.

-One man. Hundreds of bottles. Beautiful music.

-Bond gets some of those San Francisco values.

COOL ASS SITES

The above photo is an honest to God statue in Oslo, Norway. Over the next week I'll be featuring more bizarre, outlandish or just plain quirky statues from around the globe.

Okay, so if you're a regular reader of this blog you know how I strain and strive to find entertaining and informative sites to gobble up your precious time.

Well, today's post is well worth forwarding to friends and family. I encourage you to encourage them to read my labor of love (for what is a blogger without an audience?).

Seriously, I offer up a delicious dish of delectable links. Bon apetite!

1. The term "Mashup" was originally Jamaican meaning to break something. Today, it's used in reference to music and videos. Music mashups (or bastard pop) is a combination (usually by digital means) of music from one song with vocals from another. Mashup artists are constantly pushing the genre into new and exciting directions. Here's a bunch of Christmas mashups that will rock your world. It's called SANTASTIC.
2. Video Mashups are where multiple clips are edited together to create something new. If you've seen avalanche of mock movie trailers (The Shining as a heartwarming comedy or Sleepless In Seattle as a stalker flick) that have appeared on YouTube you know what I mean. Concrete Tv is a public access show in New York that features brilliantly constructed montages of violence, sex, softcore pornography, new video, and classic films. Unabashedly male in its tastes, it's also a masterful example of film editing as Concrete Ron juxtaposes shots from hundreds of movies to create a mesmerizing mashup of film sensationalism.
3. "Dialogue is what keeps the American system God-loving and anti non-God. It also keeps the anti-God loving non-Iraqi loving insurgent deniers able to voice their hideous so-called opinions over the American loving tolerant airways." Steve Martin gets political... sorta.
4. Sanjeev Upadhyay:"You are such a basted, you don't know, how do talk to any person. You are mental sick." Rishi Chadha: "Sentient has the money and muscle power to FUCK you in your back side so hard that your generations to come will be born defunct just the way you are mentally sick & defunct." It's an Indian flameware. Good to see employee-employer relations suck on the other side of the world too.
5. Superman is a dick!
6. My wife and I started taking yoga classes a few months ago. I can't wait until they teach us do stuff like this. (thanx Jeff Sherwood)
7. Ever feel like you need a song to properly express your feelings? Now you can. Here's a catchy little ditty I wrote for my neighbor.
8. You're lost in the woods. It's getting cold. All you've got is a chocolate bar and an empty Coke can. How do you stay warm? MacGuyver would know... and now you do too!

LONG DAY. POOPED.

A couple of random --but cool-- links. Check 'em out, trade them with your friends, and be the envy of everyone on your block...

1. Four Seasons With The Dead. Creepy but oddly peaceful.
2. My favorite museum in L.A. It was introduced to me by Jeff McDaniel... a terrific poet and friend I lost track of.
3. Here's a link to his poems.
4. If you're looking for an Xmas present for that someone special, how about a zombie portrait?
5. John McCain: Man or myth?