MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE

1- "David Allen Chapin, who ate the brain of his roommate after he shot him 30 years ago in an argument over whose religion was best, is up for parole in June." Yup, that's the opening sentence of an authentic daily newspaper article.

2- Drunk driver killed by drunk driver while riding his bike. Definition for "ironic" changed in Websters.

3- House burns down because fire department couldn't hook up hoses. All the copper fittings had been stolen from neighborhood hydrants. Total value: $40.

4- ASSHAT OF THE WEEK: Thinking about taking a cruise with Royal Caribbean? Better hope your kid doesn't get sick.

5- Ah, Easter. When one church wages unholy war on another. Book my travel arrangements now. This sounds cool.

6- Crying Sumo Contest... for infants. Sometimes I just don't get Japanese culture. Michael Vick finds new sport to bet on.

7- Bush administration supports our troops so deeply they spare soldiers the indignity of lunch.

8- More support-our-troops goodness.... We fight religious fascists over there so religious fascists here can kick aetheist ass... even if they're fellow soldiers.

9- Geek Patrol: Guillermo Del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy) to direct The Hobbit.

10- Allow the Pledge Of Allegiance to be recited in spanish once a year and end up physically threatened. Stay classy Edgerton Wisconsin!

NEWS YOU NEED

1. Your rice quota has reached its limit. Please return next week.

Costco and Sam's Club limit how much rice you can buy due to the skyrocketing costs. Soylent Green stocks soar.

2. The wedding of the century! Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson finally tie the knot. I just gotta know what their first dance song was? Feel free to offer up suggestions.

3. Finally, neanderthals...er...I mean, Floridians can teach the fallacies of evolution and the virtues of dinosaur-fueled automobiles.

4. How does your state's dental hygiene stack up?

5. Neil Gaiman on why Fair Use is important. This copyright stuff is more dire and important than you know as corporations bully and seize the rights to just about everything. You should care... but probably don't.

6. Resistance is futile. HS seniors about to graduate suspended for harmless and delightful prank. These kind of stories are just so damn depressing. The tyranny of the humorless.

7. More food shortage fun. Japan almost out of butter. Finally willing to give 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' a shot.

8. Who's On First... so totally not funny.

More evidence that our country is going to hell in a handbasket

...or why do people suck so much?

1. Uncle Sam wants you! Even if you're a convicted felon.

2. Obama, Osama, hmm, are they brothers? Who would ask such a thing? If you guessed Christians you move on to our bonus round.

3. Cheese in your luggage = terrorist threat. No, really. I used to confuse "Munster" with "Monster" when I was four, so maybe that's the reason.

Viking Heavy Metal Band Plays For Kindergarten

The headline pretty much says it all.

My 5 year-old son Nate would probably have loved them!

Charlie Rose Vs Charlie Rose

Hilarious, surreal and disturbing.

Steve is not happy.

Hillary Can Still Win

Here's how...

FOOD FIGHT

An amazing animated video showing an abridged interpretation of recently waged wars.

It's surprising how violent food (Ie. hamburgers, pretzels, sushi, etc) destroying food can be.

Asshat Of The Week Award Goes To...

Russ Endres, owner of Wisconsin Management. Why? Click the link below:

http://www.620wtmj.com/news/local/17592054.html

AMAZING AND DISTURBING

The New Yorker has a condensed video of Nicholas White, who spent 41 hours trapped in an elevator in New York City’s McGraw-Hill building. I can't even imagine the horror of that situation; not knowing whether you were going to live or die in an 7x7 foot space under fluorescent lights with The Girl From Ipanema playing endlessly overhead.

Thank goodness he didn't have to take a shit.

Here's the link: http://www.newyorker.com/online/video/2008/04/21/080421_elevators

There's also a fascinating article. This is why I love the New Yorker.

After a while, White decided to smoke a cigarette. It was conceivable to him that, owing to construction work in the lobby, the building staff had taken his car out of service and would leave it that way not only through the weekend but all through the week. That they could leave him here as long as they had suggested that anything was possible. He imagined them opening the doors, ten days later, and finding him dead on his back, like a cockroach. Within hours, he had smoked all his cigarettes.

BEING A SEXIST DICK, 60s STYLE

Maybe it's a marriage based on hot sex?

THE DICK TO THE DOC

If creationists got this they'd be offended. Luckily they're still trying to prove that The Flintstones got it right and evolutionists are deluded heretics bound for hell.

BACK FROM THE DEAD...

...Or, at least it felt that way. I got hit by influenze. Hard. In fact it ripped through my house like a herd of buffalo on steroids. It's taken me nearly two weeks to recover and man-o-man did that put me behind at work. Everyone in my family succumbed and like dominos we went down one after the other. Only Sam, my 2 year-old, managed to fend off the worst of it... and even he went through a couple days of feeling crappy.

So, it wasn't neglect that kept me away. I swear. So, I'm back in the saddle and have lots o' stuff percolating (more than I have hours to commit to, unfortunately).

Anyway, I thought I'd kick things off with something hypnotically cool. Check it out! It's a time-based documentation of how the Magnetic Ink prints are created. If it doesn't work, go to this web address: http://www.vimeo.com/615344

Believe me, it's worth a looksee.



via videosift.com