THE PSYCHIC PINCH

Because I'm a film critic for a Detroit paper, I have to drive into the Detroit suburbs for screenings. More often than not they're in Birmingham, which is roughly 45 miles away. The trip entails traveling along three different freeways and a pair of highways (it's not called the Motor City for nothing).

Now, driving the endless and compicated Detroit roadways is always an exercise in frustration and/or imminent violence. In some countries it might even qualify as a bloodsport. The average speed of your fellow traveller is 90mph and in three years I've lived here I can count on one hand how many times I've seen someone pulled over for speeding.

Anyway, I'm on my way to a critic's screening of Stranger Than Fiction last week and in three different instances I was cut off. No biggie, par for the course. One of them, however, decided to add insult to injury and flipped me the bird as he passed. On the way home, two more drivers decided to bull their way into my lane Road Warrior style (though one probably had no clue I was there because she was immersed in a cell phone conversation).

Now, I'm a pretty courteous driver. I let people over when they signal, I never tailgate. I'm a regular Polly Perfect. And I couldn't help but wonder, why can't other drivers be more like me?

The only solution I could think of was the Psychic Pinch.

Here's my vision... everyone, starting at the age of 21, would be granted the power of the Psychic Pinch. Once a day, by sheer force of will you would be able to deliver a skin-twisting pinch to the ass of anyone in your line of sight (though it wouldn't work on children). And I mean a real pinch, the kind that elicits a surprised' "Ow, that really friggin hurt!"

Now, the thing that's great about the Psychic Pinch is that it would be anonymous. You'd never know who gave you one or why (unless there were only two of you in the room). My theory is that if everyone had this power we'd all be a helluva lot more polite, courteous and patient with one another. If you weren't, you became a likely candidate for the pinch. Piss off enough people at one time and your ass could be black and blue for a week.

I imagine a world where good manners and civility actually increased as the day wore on. People would become nicer and nicer to one another... because anyone who hadn't expended their daily pinch would be looking for a deserving target.

Of course I have no idea what to do about the masochists. Tickles?

Anyway, as promised, I'm steering clear of the poltical stuff and offering up links that are a little more effervescent. Enjoy!

MOVIES

1. The Book of Job proves how much of a smug bastard God really is... [link]
2. "Quiet down, Rubes. There's a homoerotic volleyball game to play." [link] courtesy of Jeff Sherwood
3. Spongeback Mountain ('nuff said)
4. If you're a fan of Office Space, this mash up will rock your world. If you haven't seen Office Space, put it in your Netflix queue right now. I said, now! If you don't like Office Space, I can't be your boyfriend anymore.
5. Average Homeboy... hands down the worst demo video you have ever seen.
6. I love this video clip so much I had to embed it on my site. I dare you not to laugh...

NOW YOU KNOW...

1. Fireworks, a dropped set of trousers, what could possibly go wrong? [link]
2. Fireworks, punking your co-workers, what could possibly go wrong? [link]
3. Starlings... or that creepy black cloud from Lost?
4. How to get out of your cellular service contract. [link]
5. The coolest knife rack in the world... in case you were wondering what to get me for Xmas.