REASON #1026 NOT TO MOVE TO FLORIDA

The Sons of Confederate Veterans wants drivers in the Tampa area to see the massive flag — 30 feet high and 50 feet long — atop a 139-foot pole, the highest the Federal Aviation Authority would allow. It would be lit at night.

Read rest of the travesty... er ... article here

MORE FLORIDA GOODNESS

So, you may wonder why I smash on the Sunshine State. After all it is my native land. Yup, I was born in Miami.

Well, other than the fact that I blame Florida for giving us the neverending horrorshow that is George W. Bush, they are place that profoundly baffles and disturbs me. Is it the endless strip malls? Substandard housing that gets creamed by hurricanes over and over again? Independent state of Disney? Bizarre police-state communities that enforce lawn lengths, house colors and prohibit children? --Which is not only evil in my book but flies in the face of what America stands for.

Well, yeah, I guess it could be those things. But mostly it's that they generate so much f*#cked up news.

Enjoy this new classic...

Florida mother jailed for caging son

WE ARE THE WORLD

As performed by Japanese celebrity impersonators. Just brilliant.

A TERRIBLE AFFLICTION!

Are those tears of sorrow or tears of laughter? (Thanks Jeff S!)

OKAY, SO MAYBE EPISIODE 2 WAS A GOOD IDEA

More Homeless James Bond goodness. Enjoy!

HOMELESS JAMES BOND

Kinda brilliant. Very funny. Watch what happens to the white shirt 15 seconds after he puts it on. Wish I had thought of it. Rather than doing further episodes, however, they should have come up with other films / shows/ etc to do 'homeless' style.

CREEPY

I always knew cell phones were invented by the Devil. (thanks Jeff S!)

BETTER THAN THE MOVIE

So, if you haven't seen the new Indiana Jones movie, don't bother. It's a big disappointment. Cate Blanchett does Natasha from Bullwinkle. Space aliens show up at the end and Indiana is basically a crotchety old guy with super human strength. Kinda sucko. You can read my too generous review below (for some reason the Metro Times hasn't posted on their site yet).

Anyway, by way of buddy Jeff S comes this far more amusing installment to the Indiana Jones saga. Check it out...


My review for Detroit's Metro Times.

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

B-

Over-stuffed yet under-cooked, the fourth installment in the Indiana Jones serial, which began 28 years ago, suffers from too many ideas and not enough focus. If David Koepp's inelegantly pulpy patchwork of a half dozen other screenplays (written by the likes of Frank Darabont and Jeb Stuart, no less) were helmed by anyone other than Steven Spielberg, the movie would be a disastrous mess. As it is, it's a fitfully entertaining but entirely unnecessary addition to the canon.

Much like Spielberg's work on The Lost World (the clunky Jurassic Park sequel), Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull has moments of verve and panache but is ultimately undone by too many explanations and endless allusions to the previous films. The cinematic Easter eggs will, no doubt, keep salivating fanboys happy, but Koepp and Spielberg have unintentionally created a meta-film of sorts; one that pays homage to films that were themselves an homage to cliffhangers of a bygone era.

Dropping us right into the action, Crystal Skull opens with Dr. Jones (Harrision Ford, of course) and his triple crossing cohort Mac (Ray Winstone) dragged by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett channeling Bullwinkle's Natasha) and platoon of Ruskies into an Area 51 warehouse. They are searching for a mummy. Why? Well, that's never really clear but after a daring escape, Dr. Jones falls in with teenaged Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) in his search to find a colleague who went missing while seeking El Dorado, the lost Mayan city of gold. Only he's really looking for an alien crystal skull, see? And Mutt is Marion Ravenwood's (Karen Allen from the first film) kid. Which mean, he's Indy's kid. And there's lots and lots of talk about hieroglyphics and past events and former colleagues and all sorts of stuff we don't care about. It all culminates in a poorly structured final act that involves aliens or inter-dimensional travelers or, well, it doesn't matter. The climax completely melts down and becomes an excuse to throw some CGI effects at the screen.

Simply said, Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull can't justify its existence. Just as giving Indy a Dad didn't make Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade any better, giving him a son seems like a concept in search of a movie. In fact, the two films both trade character development and ingenuity for exposition-heavy narrative and over-the-top but passionless action. Which isn't to say they're bad films. Just that they fail to meet expectations.

On some level Spielberg seems to acknowledge this and tries to keep Crystal Skull barreling along. Every time things gets bogged down in meaningless talk… which it does often… he compensates with a ridiculously extended action scene. They may not have the grandeur and go-for-broke invention of the first two Indiana Jones films but they're crisply directed and mostly fun (despite some piss-poor CGI). Even at his worst, Spielberg knows how to keep an out-of-control action piece structured and fast-paced. The film's best is a wild motorcycle chase around Yale's campus.

Still, for all his skill, Spielberg is unable to capture the sense of awe, surprise and danger of his earliest films. Part of the problem is Indy himself. No longer a cocky artifact hunter who has to use his wits and willpower to get out of situations he mostly gets himself into, the aging Dr. Jones is now a humorless grump with the physicality of a 30 year-old superman. His acts of derring-do are so painless and his triumphs so assured, the film never creates any drama.

To Harrison Ford's credit, at the very least, he seems engaged. After phoning in performances for the last decade he manages to bring his…well, not A-Game but, at least, a solid B to Indy's world-weary tough-guy persona. Unfortunately, Koepp is unable to give him a single winning line of dialogue. The guy's got nothing to work with.

Which is exactly what undermines the talented LaBeouf, neuters Blanchett's villainess and puts the usually terrific Ray Winstone on the sidelines. The return of Karen Allen's character is one of the film's few treats. She and Ford briefly connect but are quickly split apart by Koepp's pointlessly busy script. It makes you wonder why Spielberg bothered to hire such an accomplished (and no doubt expensive) cast if he was only going to waste them.

Of course, comparing this fourth sequel to Raiders Of The Lost Ark –arguably the greatest action-adventure flick of all time—isn't really fair. But you'd hope that after a nearly two-decade break; George Lucas and Spielberg would have a few new ideas to add to mix. Unfortunately, the best they can come up with is a competent but half-hearted rehash. It's like that hum-able song you've heard thousands of times on the radio but haven't grown to hate. Entertaining but, ultimately, irrelevant.

YUP, IT'S FLORIDA

Not too long ago I linked to a story where a Florida teacher was accused of "wizardry" and fired for doing some sleight of hand.

Here, they've decided to censor the art work of a high school student becasue... aw, just read the damn article.

VEGAN POTLUCKS = TERRORIST CELLS

In preparation for the Republican National Convention, the FBI is soliciting informants to keep tabs on local protest groups. First clue that something's amiss? They serve nutloaf.

Read about it here.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE...

...Restaurant chains lie about their diet menu offerings.

Read about it here.

YOU MISSED IT...

My birthday was yesterday. It kinda sucked. I had to work into the wee hours of the night. Had a nice quickie meal at Zingerman's with the family unit. It was fun to watch Nate and Sam try to feed a mustard-covered hotdog bun to the birds.

Anywho, here are some completely useless or outrageously expensive things I wish I had gotten for gifts.

1. Faucet Light - I have no idea why I want this. I just do. It's like Pimp My Bathroom Sink.

2. Sink Positive - very cool. And oh-so sustainable.

3. Coffin Clock - Though, there's a lot from this site that would make me very happy.

4. Weird and useless watches - They're Japanese, so they gotta be good.

5. Robotic Pianist Hand - Totally geeky and just plain wonderful.

6. Socks - I'm finally at the age where a pair of socks won't disappoint me.

HITLER'S BURNING MAN PLANS GO TO SHIT

Hilarious. And just so wrong.

ARE YOU A BALLBUSTER?

Thanks, Jeff S for this blast from the past. I love how sleepy the announcer's voice sounds.

Now, didn't Mattel have a game called Pocket Pool? Or was it Crotch Rocket?

Tales Of Corporate & Legal Douche Baggery

1- Warner/DC comics shuts down children's cancer charity auction over trademark

2- Imagine if she'd had a slice o' pie with that. Woman fired after being accused of 'stealing' $2 from Tim Horton. Gets her day in court.

3- Because web surfing is everybody's business. Charter Communications, the fourth-largest cable system in the U.S., has informed its high-speed Internet customers that it's going to track every site they visit on the Web. Good thing cable isn't a monopoly or anything. Oh, right.

4- Don't pay your $300 dental bill, lose your house. Makes sense to me. If I were a complete asshole.

Darth Was A Blues Man

Just hilarious. 'nuff said.

BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND BILL O'REILLY

I had a link to the MySpace page with this tune last week. But here it is in all its video glory.

Warning: You probably don't want to let this blast from your work cubicle.

JUST HOW AWARE ARE YOU?

I love this video Jeff S sent me. If you're like me, you'll be amazed by the final outcome.

I know I don't get many comments but I'd love to read about people's reactions to this.

Pulp Fiction circa 1603

J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.Allow me then to offer a response.Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,And never have I heard tell of this What.What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!J: Then hearken to my words and answer them! Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!

Tarrantino! Shakespeare! Two great tastes that taste great together. Read it HERE.

DEFININTELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK...

...but kinda funny. (thanks, Jeff!) The worst sex therapist in the world.

Warning: the ad before the "Dr. Ulee" video is kinda annoying.

From Crackle: Dr. Ulee 3

BTW no posts these last few days 'cuz blogger was having problems. Or, at least, it was for me. It would allow access to the tool bar.

But we're back again. And badder than ever.

IS HILLARY THE PSYCH EX GIRLFRIEND WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU UP LATE AT NIGHT?

Hillary: Hey baby.
DEMS: C'mon Hillary. Enough with this.
Hillary: Don't you get it? You NEED me.
DEMS: No, I don't. It was fun while it lasted but
I'm with Barack now. I made my choice, it's done.
Hillary: You can't really mean that. How can you say that after all the good times we had?

More here. Reflection here.

TALES OF AMERICAN JUSTICE...

...and other weirdness.

1- Your 18 year-old daughter fails her GED. What's a father to do? Go to jail.

2- Wal-Mart loss prevention detectives are second only to FOX security. They're watching!

3- Halt! You are have been single out as a threat to security by our behavior detection officers. The Thought Police will be here in a moment to take you away.

4- Wear a skimpy dress to prom... that's a jailing!

5- "My child stepped in dog poop! Someone must pay!" J'accuse Norwalk, Connecticut.

6- Mugshot goodness. And that first girl seems so nice. Maybe she got too high of an interest rate. Check out the power trio in photo #2.

7- FROM THE "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH CONGRESS" FILE: Download an illegal mp3... we'll take your house.

8- Wait, before you save that woman's life... you need to pay for that!

9- Cashier gets robs at gun point. Billion dollar multinational company expresses concern with "You're fired!"

10- Having putting an end to all other unsafe construction practices, Eugene, Oregon fines tavern $12K for illicit use of shrubbery.

BILL O'REILLY "PLAYS IT OUT"

Bill O'Reilly totally f&%#'in melts down. But see, now that he's on FOX he's so much happier (and richer). Or maybe it was all those loofah sponge baths.

Here's the video. And a friggin' awesome remix based on the YouTube clip based on the bootleg. God I do love me the Internets.

THE 'OFFICIAL LINE' ON THE THREE SECOND RULE

...and other food myths. Get edu-mi-cated here.

MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC

Work harder! Be happier!

Click here for the answer!

Lincoln! Douglas! Stephananopoulos! Gibson!

If ABC ran the Lincoln-Douglas debates.

STEPHANOPOULOS: I’m sorry to interrupt, but do you think Mr. Douglas loves America as much you do?
LINCOLN: Sure I do.
STEPHANOPOULOS: But who loves America more?
LINCOLN: I’d prefer to get on with my opening statement George.
STEPHANOPOULOS: If your love for America were eight apples, how many apples would Senator Douglas’s love be?

I FIND YOUR LACK OF FASHION DISTURBING

1. "Hello Vader" courtesy Jeff.

2. Dear Billy: "Your parents are right. You can subscribe to Hustler when you turn 18. Hang in there - you'll be 18 before you know it. Until then, you should read the Sears Roebuck catalog."

Sincerely,

Larry Flynt

Little Billy gets advice from Charles Manson, the Unabomber, Richard Ramirez (The Night Stalker), Alan Greenspan, Ahnold, Clarence Thomas, and, of course, Dick Cheney.

3. Ginger or Maryanne. The great debate is resolved.

4. "Little Bunny Jihad hopping through the forest. Scooping up the jewish infidels and bopping them on the head!"

A CALL NO PARENT SHOULD EVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO

Soldier's cell phone accidentally calls home in his pocket ...during a fire fight in Afghanistan.

Yup, Another 'They Fool Ya When They Stand Upright' Florida Story

Substitute teacher does a magic trick for class... fired for "wizardry." Tossed into pool, floats, burned at the stake.

Read about it here.

KEITH OLBERMANN EXPLAINS HILLARY'S VICTORY CALCULUS

Do you live in a state that counts? Fall into the proper age, income, race demographic? Then Hillary wants you. All others need not apply.

Just brilliant. This guy is so damn good....

Hello Darth Kitty

Love this tattoo. No reason for you to check it out on the site I stumbled across ...but I should probably link there because... well, I pilfered the image for your amusement.

“Say, Isn’t This Election Just Like A Great FOOTBALL GAME?!”

If you've ever listened to/watched Chris Matthews or Tim Russert THIS is a brilliant dissection of everything that is wrong with media coverage of the elections.

Excerpt:

Chris Matthews: Isn’t this election just like a great FOOTBALL GAME? I mean, like a great knockdown, drag-out football game, where people are hitting each other really hard and really going at it? Don’t you think it’s just like a football game?

Howard Fineman: Not really, no.

Chris: I think it’s just like a football game, I really do. It reminds me of, you know, going to the stadium and seeing two teams just BATTLE back and forth. Only now we’re in OVERTIME! Isn’t it just like an OVER TIME FOOTBALL GAME?

Howard: Again, no. Football is an athletic contest played on a field whose outcome is determined by some combination of physical skill and good luck. This is a presidential primary election, whose outcome hinges on grass roots organization and effective if sometimes duplicitous PR and ad campaigns. It’s, you know, totally different.

It gets better as it goes along. Especially once Hillary joins the fray.

DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS OPENS BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT!

Two words: Moon Nazis.

RANDOM BITS OF USEFUL NONSENSE

1- More evidence boomers suck --they pay Gen X'ers and Millennials less than they were paid. Gee, didn't see that one comin'.

2- You know the one about military intelligence, right? Good news: You've won the Silver Star for bravery in combat! Bad news: You're a woman and women are just no good at being soldiers. You're relieved of duty. Now get me a beer.

3- Headline of the week: Mr. Gay Cut Up Pal For Eating'. And then it starts to get weird.

4- Apparently Vero Beach, Fla has solved all of society's ill and can now focus on what's really important. (courtesy my best bud, Jeff)

5- There's a town in Washington called Nooksack. I can't drive by the sign without cracking up. The mere thought of it inspires such quips as" "I once got kicked in the nooksack by an eight year-old girl. Man, did that hurt." What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Glad you asked.

You can buy the ultimate support-our-troops item: Camo-Nutz. If only I'd had them to protect my nooksack. (again courtesy Jeff)

BUT YOU CAN'T ARREST ME, I'M RICH...

Sometimes the wealthy and powerful get exactly what they deserve. Not nearly as often as they should but when they do, oh the sweet flavor of their pain.

I long to see the day when 'white collar' criminals --you know, the guys who steal millions from your Uncle Bob's pension plan-- are forced to do hard time with Bubba, the crack addicted 7-11 stick-up guy.

Until then, here's a rare moment where some young fancy-pants with a slick sob story about "intermittent explosive disorder" gets his come-uppence. His facial reaction is worth the price of admission alone.

Click through the whole set.

HELL, YEAH!

Okay, for those of you outside the great state of Michigan... Detroit's Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick --who has twice the embarrassment strength of Bill Clinton during the Lewinsky scandal-- ended up costing the city millions of dollars in settlement fees after he had local police officers fired when their investigations started to turn up evidence of his sordid affair with... oh, it doesn't matter. The guy's just sleazy and has got to go.

Anyway, this local anchorman reading the mayor's sexy text messages is so Ron Burgundy a defy you not to start cracking up round about "Damn that. Never busted. Busted is what you see." I especially like his interpretation of LOL. This guy is destined for black romance novel audiobooks.

Stay classy Detroit!

NEWS YOU CAN USE UPDATE

1- Can I get $359 billion in tens and the rest in quarters? Sometimes stupidity is endearing.

2- Seattle hate pigeons. Owie!

3- Tune in tomorrow. Same weirdo time! Same weirdo channel! YouTube gives Scientologists
their own channel. Scientologist promptly sue.

4- Your shoes are destroying your feet. Really. Read about it here. I was so convinced I ordered
a pair of vibram five-fingered sandals.

5- Want to succeed in business. Learn from the mafia.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME NOW BEFORE A BALD BLACK DUDE ASKS YOU, "DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE RED PILL OF THE BLUE ONE?"

Video of a robot called the 'AirJelly.' It's simulatenously beautiful and creepy.

MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE

1- "David Allen Chapin, who ate the brain of his roommate after he shot him 30 years ago in an argument over whose religion was best, is up for parole in June." Yup, that's the opening sentence of an authentic daily newspaper article.

2- Drunk driver killed by drunk driver while riding his bike. Definition for "ironic" changed in Websters.

3- House burns down because fire department couldn't hook up hoses. All the copper fittings had been stolen from neighborhood hydrants. Total value: $40.

4- ASSHAT OF THE WEEK: Thinking about taking a cruise with Royal Caribbean? Better hope your kid doesn't get sick.

5- Ah, Easter. When one church wages unholy war on another. Book my travel arrangements now. This sounds cool.

6- Crying Sumo Contest... for infants. Sometimes I just don't get Japanese culture. Michael Vick finds new sport to bet on.

7- Bush administration supports our troops so deeply they spare soldiers the indignity of lunch.

8- More support-our-troops goodness.... We fight religious fascists over there so religious fascists here can kick aetheist ass... even if they're fellow soldiers.

9- Geek Patrol: Guillermo Del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy) to direct The Hobbit.

10- Allow the Pledge Of Allegiance to be recited in spanish once a year and end up physically threatened. Stay classy Edgerton Wisconsin!

NEWS YOU NEED

1. Your rice quota has reached its limit. Please return next week.

Costco and Sam's Club limit how much rice you can buy due to the skyrocketing costs. Soylent Green stocks soar.

2. The wedding of the century! Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson finally tie the knot. I just gotta know what their first dance song was? Feel free to offer up suggestions.

3. Finally, neanderthals...er...I mean, Floridians can teach the fallacies of evolution and the virtues of dinosaur-fueled automobiles.

4. How does your state's dental hygiene stack up?

5. Neil Gaiman on why Fair Use is important. This copyright stuff is more dire and important than you know as corporations bully and seize the rights to just about everything. You should care... but probably don't.

6. Resistance is futile. HS seniors about to graduate suspended for harmless and delightful prank. These kind of stories are just so damn depressing. The tyranny of the humorless.

7. More food shortage fun. Japan almost out of butter. Finally willing to give 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' a shot.

8. Who's On First... so totally not funny.

More evidence that our country is going to hell in a handbasket

...or why do people suck so much?

1. Uncle Sam wants you! Even if you're a convicted felon.

2. Obama, Osama, hmm, are they brothers? Who would ask such a thing? If you guessed Christians you move on to our bonus round.

3. Cheese in your luggage = terrorist threat. No, really. I used to confuse "Munster" with "Monster" when I was four, so maybe that's the reason.

Viking Heavy Metal Band Plays For Kindergarten

The headline pretty much says it all.

My 5 year-old son Nate would probably have loved them!

Charlie Rose Vs Charlie Rose

Hilarious, surreal and disturbing.

Steve is not happy.

Hillary Can Still Win

Here's how...

FOOD FIGHT

An amazing animated video showing an abridged interpretation of recently waged wars.

It's surprising how violent food (Ie. hamburgers, pretzels, sushi, etc) destroying food can be.

Asshat Of The Week Award Goes To...

Russ Endres, owner of Wisconsin Management. Why? Click the link below:

http://www.620wtmj.com/news/local/17592054.html

AMAZING AND DISTURBING

The New Yorker has a condensed video of Nicholas White, who spent 41 hours trapped in an elevator in New York City’s McGraw-Hill building. I can't even imagine the horror of that situation; not knowing whether you were going to live or die in an 7x7 foot space under fluorescent lights with The Girl From Ipanema playing endlessly overhead.

Thank goodness he didn't have to take a shit.

Here's the link: http://www.newyorker.com/online/video/2008/04/21/080421_elevators

There's also a fascinating article. This is why I love the New Yorker.

After a while, White decided to smoke a cigarette. It was conceivable to him that, owing to construction work in the lobby, the building staff had taken his car out of service and would leave it that way not only through the weekend but all through the week. That they could leave him here as long as they had suggested that anything was possible. He imagined them opening the doors, ten days later, and finding him dead on his back, like a cockroach. Within hours, he had smoked all his cigarettes.

BEING A SEXIST DICK, 60s STYLE

Maybe it's a marriage based on hot sex?

THE DICK TO THE DOC

If creationists got this they'd be offended. Luckily they're still trying to prove that The Flintstones got it right and evolutionists are deluded heretics bound for hell.

BACK FROM THE DEAD...

...Or, at least it felt that way. I got hit by influenze. Hard. In fact it ripped through my house like a herd of buffalo on steroids. It's taken me nearly two weeks to recover and man-o-man did that put me behind at work. Everyone in my family succumbed and like dominos we went down one after the other. Only Sam, my 2 year-old, managed to fend off the worst of it... and even he went through a couple days of feeling crappy.

So, it wasn't neglect that kept me away. I swear. So, I'm back in the saddle and have lots o' stuff percolating (more than I have hours to commit to, unfortunately).

Anyway, I thought I'd kick things off with something hypnotically cool. Check it out! It's a time-based documentation of how the Magnetic Ink prints are created. If it doesn't work, go to this web address: http://www.vimeo.com/615344

Believe me, it's worth a looksee.



via videosift.com

AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE


If you don't know the back story enter Ted Stevens and "series of tubes" into Google and read all about it. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy!

HUNKY JESUS AND OTHER NONSENSE

I'm skipping the political rants today and instead using the Internets the way they were intended... to point you toward meaningless junk. Enjoy or ignore at your own risk...

1. No place on Earth understands the sanctity of Easter like San Fransisco. Which begs the question WFTWJD (What Fabulous Thing Would Jesus Do?). Photos here.

2. Great Moments In American Justice. In this episode we visit Texas, where leaving the scene of an accident is punishable by whatever we feel like doing to you.

3. The darkside of Craigslist.

4. When I lived in Portland, OR there were several incidents of wealthy residents deciding to chop down 200 year-old trees because they obstructed their hilltop views. The trees were on public property and it was illegal to harm them but that didn't stop these asshats from chainsawing, poisoning or hacking them down. Because the city couldn't pinpoint specifically who was to blame, the bastards got away with it. Now comes this story from Australia where a local city council came up with a terrific response.

5. Evil Grannies. What more do you need to know?

LET'S GET POLITICAL - PT 2

Another day, another reason to spout off. Here's yet another of my DailyKos posts, talking about how Obama needs to aggressively reframing the political debate with Hillary Clinton. Tell me what you think, weigh in with your thoughts, etc etc...

THE REFRAME SHOP: Being offended never got anyone elected

Look, (as Obama likes to say) there's no doubt that Ferraro's racist comments and Clinton's subtle complicity is distatsteful in the extreme. Keith Olbermann's commentary hit the nail on the head.

HOWEVER, Obama's campaign acting offended just isn't the right tack. No one votes for a person because they're offended.

Think about it. Your wife or girlfriend or husband is offended by a comment you've made. They get pissed off and let everyone know how angry they are. And it's perfectly justified. Even your friends agree. You were a jerk.

But chances are some of them will feel two things simultaneously. The first will be a negative reaction toward you for making such an asinine comment. The second, much subtler reaction, will be a twinge of curiousity about whether there's an element of truth in the comment.

Think of it this way: 4 out of 5 friends will get outraged on your wife's behalf. But, see, there's that 1 husband who thinks you shouldn't have said it the way you did but, yeah, he kinda sees where you're coming from.

That's the guy Hillary wants. Cuz the other 4 probably weren't going to vote for her anyway.

This is why REFRAMING the converstaion becomes so important.

Saying, "I'm mad at you because you said that stupid/racist/manipulative thing" will not win Obama converts. Best case scenario, it'll turn some people away from Hillary.

That's why he and his immediate representative are better off keeping a lid on the outrage. Let distant supporters and pundits be outraged on his behalf. Get the grassroots crew and a few prominent (but unoffical) allies to come to call Clinton out on her nastiness, but express it as a reflection of her desperation/innate evil/unethical desire to win at any cost.'

Just don't start crying foul in public because it means you've been lured into her narrative.

Example:

BizarroHillary supporter: The only reason you got into Harvard was because you were black and equal opprtunity policies pushed you to the head of the line.

BizarroObama: I'm outraged that you would say that! I am a smart guy and I got good grades and had lots of awesome extracurricular activites on my CV, like captain of the debate team!

Yes, it all may be true, but it's not going to sway anyone to BizarroObama's side. Oh, they'll be disgusted by BizarroHillary supporter's remark but privately, in the deep dark nasty recesses of their mind, they'll wonder whether if BizarroHillary supporter's comment isn't just an eentsy bit true.

It also does little good to simply dismiss the comment as "silly/absurd/not worthy of a reply."

Again, that may be true but being right isn't good politics. Responding that way gains Obama nothing (except the maintenance of his dignity --which I would argue is a zero-sum gain).

As David Mamet (see my first diary) would point out Obama's merely called Hillary's bet. The best he can do is achieve a draw.

More likely, he'll be "right" in his response but still lose ground to Hillary ...because the charge is out there and she continues to control the narrative.

You see, the racism charge or the Muslim charge or the experience charge is irrelevant. There will always be something new. The point is Hillary is controlling the debate, turning everything into a question about Obama's readiness. Making Obama answer her charges. Making Obama spend so much time defending and deflecting that his message is drown out by the noise.

It's why Texas was reported to be a Hillary win when it was actually a Obama win. She's doing a better job of controlling the narrative (even if she's losing).

And think it's bad now? Wait 'til the Fall when the Republican smear machine really revs up.

Now is the time for Obama to hone his skills. The key to political success --something Obama needs to start practicing pronto or he's really going to get roughed up later-- is learning how to up the ante.

He needs to raise the stakes, take charge of the narrative and reframe the conversation to his advantage.

Example:

BizarroHillary supporter: The only reason you got into Harvard was because you were black and equal opportunity policies pushed you to the head of the line.

BizarroObama: I thought Hillary was better than that. It's sad to me that after losing so many primaries her campaign's become so unhinged that she's taken to sending out Geraldine Ferraro to make racist remarks. It's beneath her and I think the American voters deserve better. And if these racist comments don't reflect her own views then you really have to wonder about the people she surrounds herself with. After all, if she can't effectively manage her campaign team now how in the world does she think she can manage the general election... or the White House for that matter.

See? It's no longer about her claims. It's about Hillary's racism, Hillary's inablilty to manage her campaign, Hillary's desperation over losing. Now she must defend against his remarks.

And he should use them as continued evidence that he is the better candidate. The incident becomes an opportunity... to repeat what he's been saying all along: Judgment matters. And this is a clear example of how the Clinton campaign lacks sound judgment. Just like the Irag war. Just like her botched attempt to reform healthcare all those years ago.

"It's sad to see that she's not learning from past mistakes. Haven't we had a little too much of that these last 7 years?" The trick (and skill) is to take what's hurled at you and turn it into an advantage.

Hillary's people knew that Obama supporters would be offended. They knew right-thinking people would be turned off. They probably guessed that Obama would simply deflect the comment (much as Kerry did the swiftboat attacks).

The fact is, she still gained tactically. Because the claim is out there and some 'wrong-headed people' may actually rethink which way they'll vote.

If I were to guess, the comment was really for the benefit of Pennsylvania voters, where the friction between black and white is more bitter than you might guess. I've spent time in Philadelphia and outside the city and there's a hostility that's pretty palpable. And I live outside Detroit!

But even if I'm wrong about Hillary's motivations and my assessment of Pennsylvania, I'm convinced that Obama needs to start showing more tactical muscle. He can still maintain his poise, charm and style but must start framing the debate in his terms.

He's got to be tougher, smarter and more cunning than his opponents.

And he's got to do it with that gentle soothing voice and toothy smile.

LET'S GET POLITICAL

Like most people I'm a bit of an armchair political quarterback. How my favored (I won't say favorite since he's no longer running) candidate is screwing up his campaign is a frequent source of frustration for me. Why? Because I want my guy to win. So, I've started a diary on DailyKos to vent my spleen and demonstrate my political genius. In particular, I'm obsessed with how politicians "frame" their positions and manipulate the public debate.

Anyway, I've also decide to reprint those diary entries here. Beware! They get a tad longwinded and wonky.

Obama: The best offense is an offense.

Back during the Kerry/Bush face off of 2004, David Mamet wrote a brilliant essay on why Democrats lose to Republicans. His basic premise was that Democrats don't know how to play poker.

He went on to explain that Democrats are like an overly cautious card player, one who never takes the initiative. So, when they are finally dealt an unbeatable hand and bet boldly they send a signal to their opponents that it's time to fold. All their careful strategizing, all their caution end up yielding them nothing; a pot too small to offset their losses.

Mamet wrote:

The Republicans, like the perpetual raiser at the poker table, became increasingly bold as the Democrats signaled their absolute reluctance to seize the initiative.

John Kerry lost the 2004 election combating an indictment of his Vietnam War record. A decorated war hero muddled himself in merely "calling" the attacks of a man with, curiously, a vanishing record of military attendance. Even if the Democrats and Kerry had prevailed (that is, succeeded in nullifying the Republicans arguably absurd accusations), they would have been back only where they started before the accusations began.

This is what Obama is doing in his responses to HRC's talk of his being her VP, of his being untested. Debating the issue logically will not win votes. Say, "I'm not running for Vice President" will not convince Joe Pennsylvania or Jane Indiana.

Those are defensive reactions. The man has nothing to defend. Yes, the facts are plain, but by feeling you must restate them as evidence of your legitimacy is to merely "call" HRC's bluff.

Control of the initiative is control of the battle. In the alley, at the poker table or in politics. One must raise. The American public chose Bush over Kerry in 2004. How, the undecided electorate rightly wondered, could one believe that Kerry would stand up for America when he could not stand up to Bush? A possible response to the Swift boat veterans would have been: "I served. He didn’t. I didn’t bring up the subject, but, if all George Bush has to show for his time in the Guard is a scrap of paper with some doodling on it, I say the man was a deserter."

Even if Obama wins the debate (one that is, on the face of it, absurd) he only ends up back where he started. If he loses even a the slightest ground, well, that's Hillary's gain.

The point is to dismiss the remark with humor, grace and cutting intelligence. The point is to reframe the conversation.

Now, I do not claim to possess the gift of gab but Obama might try something along the lines of:
"If Hillary would like to join me on the ticket, I'd be happy to consider her application for VP. But I should probably check her credentials. I learned a long time ago that saying you're qualified isn't quite the same as being qualified."

Only he should say it prettier.

Unfortunately, I think Obama is missing some of the point of HRC's VP comments. Yes, she wants to con a few voters into believing that by voting for her they can get two for the price of one. But she's also laying the tracks for a Super Delegate coup.

See, if she can create a narrative that forces Obama to defend his frontrunner status, she creates doubt about that status. And so, if she can convince super delegates to cast their lot with her no matter what the final numbers say, she gives her ascension more legitimacy.

It's perverse but it's very much in-line with the Swift Boat attacks. The damage was done when Kerry was forced to defend the obvious: that he was a war hero and Bush was not. Here, Clinton is forcing Obama to defend his frontrunner status while she acts like the frontrunner.

Obama, you must reframe the conversation. Show pity that she would stoop to such desperate measures. Question her sanity. Raise the stakes and bet boldly. But, please oh please stop defending yourself.

BTW, here's the Mamet piece in full: http://tribes.tribe.net/...

COMCAST COCKBLOCKS NET NEUTRALITY

I know most people don't care. or don't get it. But the concept is simple. Net neutrality ensures that access to websites will remain equal. Otherwise companies like Comcast can reduce speeds in favor of whatever issues they want to advance or, more likely, whoever pays them.

Don't think it's true. Read here how they attempted to stifle debate on the issue.

It's pretty illustrative of what they could do if, say, Barack Obama wasn't friendly enough to their interests.

You should care. Support the EFF.

THIS JUST IN: THE FLINTSTONES WAS A DOCUMENTARY

So what's the first thing to come to mind when I say, "home schooling."

If you said "crazy christians" you go on to our bonus round.

But why believe me on this? Check out the blue ribbon winner at this Minnesota home school science fair. Yep, it was held in a mall.

Choice quote: “One thing is for sure, a lot of learning has gone on this week.”

OH SHIT, I'M A BUTTERHEAD

Courtesy my bestest pal Jeff. Nipple Nipple!

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...

Okay, in case you've got dial up or were recently in a coma, here's the latest YouTube sensation, "I'm F*%$king Matt Damon."

Don't you wish we could talk those "curse" symbols?

EXACTLY!!!

Message to Ralph Nader...

Fred ScorseseStone

Courtesy my friend, Steffen. I only wish they made a whole film like this.

FUNNY ENOUGH TO STEAL...

...well, maybe borrow.

On Daily Kos there's an amusing blogger who goes by the moniker bill-in-portalnd-maine, who writes a cloumn called "from The Great State Of Maine." He recently ran this post which made me chuckle my ass off. Visit Kos and read him directly when you can, okay? It'll make me feel better about lifting this wholesale.

[Beep!] Hello, this is Barack Obama reminding you to come out and caucus for me on Sunday. Together we can bring hope and change to America. Thank you.

[Beep!] Hello, this is Hillary Clinton. If you agree that we need a new direction in America, please caucus for me on Sunday. I have the experience needed to hit the ground running on day one. Thank you.

[Beep!] Hi, Barack again. Did Hillary just call you? Look, she and I were friends before the primary season and we'll be friends after. But right now she's just acting crazy, understand? Vote for me and I may let you stand next to me at my inauguration.

[Beep!] Hillary here. Barack's feeding you a line 'o crap and he knows it. Not only will I let you stand next to me at my inauguration, but I'll give you the cabinet position of your choice. You have to admit, that's pretty sweet. Love ya!

[Beep!] Hey, it's Barack. Love ya more. Wanna be my VP?

[Beep!] Oh, he's not gonna make you vice president and he knows it!

[Beep!] Will too!

[Beep!] Will not!

[Beep!] This is Chelsea Clinton. Have you seen my mom or my dad? I'm supposed to be at a rally with 'em but there's no one here. Today's Nebraska, right?

[Beep!] Hi, this is Oprah. Despite what the Clinton campaign says, I am not going to crush your skull between my thighs if you don’t vote for my man Barack. That would let you off too easy! Hint hint.

[Beep!] Hi, Barack again. That wasn't Oprah. That was Hillary pretending to be Oprah. You see how these people work? I think it's... Oh, wait, it was Oprah. Never mind. Vote for me!

[Beep!] Hi, this is Chuck Norris. I'm hiding behind your bathroom door, and as soon as you come in to pee I'm gonna break every bone in your Defeatocrat body. I'll start with your femurs.

[Beep!] Hi, this is Mike Gravel. Chuck's hanging by his underwear from a hook on the back of your bathroom door. The police are on their way. Wish I could stay but I've gotta stop a meteor that's hurtling toward Earth. Have a nice pee.

Yes We Can / John He Is / No You Can't

So, this is why the Internet is so great. Inspiration leads to more inspiration leads to something a little less inspired but still pretty damn amusing.

So, Barack Obama's "Yes We Can" speech (which was pretty damn good) inspired Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am to create a surprisingly effective celebrity-filled music video where Scarlett Johansson sings ...along with others. (Who knew Scarlett could sing?)

Jesse Dylan (son of Bob) shot the thing and you can watch it here...



The video then spawned john.he.is a brilliantly funny take-off how John McCain's speeches are, well, not just unispiring but anti-inspiring. See it here...



This being the Internet, however, the story doesn't stop here. Yet another take-off has emerged entitled "No, You Can't," which isn't quite as inspired as john.he.is but still lands some good gut punches.



It'll be interesting to see how far this goes...

THE CANDIDATES - CARTOON STYLE

The Washington Post has a terrific series of videos about how editorial cartoonist John Kascht comes at his portraits and his impressions of the various candidates. They ring strikingly true.

I loved the "the porridge candidate" comment about Hillary and his observations on Obama's air of condecension.

Check it out here.

HILLARY'S SONG

So, Hillary Clinton (who I sincerely hope doesn't win the Democratic nomination) has picked 'When The Lady Smiles' by Golden Earring as her campaign song, playing it at rallies. The chorus goes...

"When the lady smiles,
I can't resist her call,
As a matter of fact,
I don't resist at all."

I can see why they were drawn to it. Although IMO it sounds vaguely Orwellian. What they didn't seem to realize is that the lyrics continue to say...

When the lady smiles, you know it drives me wild,
Her lips are warm and resourceful
My friends tell me, she's the beast inside your paradise."

Christian fundamentalists should have a field day with that one.

What is it with politicians? They pick songs for a snippet of lyric here or there but understand nothing of context. It really makes you question they're ability to legislate. Doesn't nuance matter?

Hillary's choice makes about as much as sense as Reagan's use of Springsteen's "Born In The USA" --a criticism of the country's involvement in Vietnam, the poor treatment of its soldiers, and the hopelessness of its veterans.

To make matters worse, here's the video for Golden Earring's charming little ditty... sexual assault on a nun intact.




Full disclosure: I was obsessed with Golden Earring's "Twilight Zone" and "Radar Love" as a teen.

I LOVE HALF LIFE

The geek in me sometimes comes roaring back.

Half-Life is a first-person shooter video game and, man, I was addicted. Anyway, the game has fansites where devotees of the game write their own fiction using game characters, situations and settings. No, I've never been to one of these sites. I can be geeky but I'm pretty far from pathetic. I've actually kissed a girl. Heck, I even married one.

Anyway, here is a terrific video created to illustrate a 9 year-old's Half-Life fan fiction.

Want a taste before you commit? Here's an excerpt from this brilliantly written story:

"Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs. "I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said "Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman. "Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster."

I HATE GUM

Always have. Always will. I hate finding it under benches and tables. I hate stepping in it on a hot summer sidewalk. I hate the sickly pink, nauseated green or diseased white/gray look of it. I've only ever had it in my mouth once (I tried it once when I was eight) and judging from my son's aversion to it, my distaste must be genetic.

So, in celebration of this thing I so casually despise I bring you chewing gum sculptures. Check out the site here.

YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY...

A list of sites that offer completely useful (but ever-so amusing) information.

1- Every reason why David Banner turned into Lou Ferigno...er... the Hulk.

2- The Gay Bomb and other weird science stuff you don't know about.

3- Shoot paintballs at the presidential candidates here. I played as John Edwards (my candidate of choice) and kicked all their asses. Of course, the game was made before Huckabee rose in the polls so maybe version 2.0 will present more of a challenge.

4- Ten sodas that no longer exist. You must be REALLY bored to click this link.

5- Interested in buying the worst wax sculptures in the world? Today's your luck day.

BECAUSE

I really have no justification for liking this short film. I just do. It's not particularly unique but it is effective.

Happy Anniversary

SHADOW PUPPETS

As a kid I'd spend hours on end in my bed (when I supposed to be sleeping) listening on the transistor radio to CBS Mystery Theater while practicing shadow puppets on my ceiling with a flashlight. I got pretty good but, man-oh-man, nothing like this guy. Check it out. It's quite wonderful...

Eight Percent of My Love

God, if chicks only understood. A man's only got so much love to give.

(Sorry about the quality. It was the best I could find.)