NEWS YOU NEED

1. Your rice quota has reached its limit. Please return next week.

Costco and Sam's Club limit how much rice you can buy due to the skyrocketing costs. Soylent Green stocks soar.

2. The wedding of the century! Lou Reed and Laurie Anderson finally tie the knot. I just gotta know what their first dance song was? Feel free to offer up suggestions.

3. Finally, neanderthals...er...I mean, Floridians can teach the fallacies of evolution and the virtues of dinosaur-fueled automobiles.

4. How does your state's dental hygiene stack up?

5. Neil Gaiman on why Fair Use is important. This copyright stuff is more dire and important than you know as corporations bully and seize the rights to just about everything. You should care... but probably don't.

6. Resistance is futile. HS seniors about to graduate suspended for harmless and delightful prank. These kind of stories are just so damn depressing. The tyranny of the humorless.

7. More food shortage fun. Japan almost out of butter. Finally willing to give 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' a shot.

8. Who's On First... so totally not funny.