MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE

1- "David Allen Chapin, who ate the brain of his roommate after he shot him 30 years ago in an argument over whose religion was best, is up for parole in June." Yup, that's the opening sentence of an authentic daily newspaper article.

2- Drunk driver killed by drunk driver while riding his bike. Definition for "ironic" changed in Websters.

3- House burns down because fire department couldn't hook up hoses. All the copper fittings had been stolen from neighborhood hydrants. Total value: $40.

4- ASSHAT OF THE WEEK: Thinking about taking a cruise with Royal Caribbean? Better hope your kid doesn't get sick.

5- Ah, Easter. When one church wages unholy war on another. Book my travel arrangements now. This sounds cool.

6- Crying Sumo Contest... for infants. Sometimes I just don't get Japanese culture. Michael Vick finds new sport to bet on.

7- Bush administration supports our troops so deeply they spare soldiers the indignity of lunch.

8- More support-our-troops goodness.... We fight religious fascists over there so religious fascists here can kick aetheist ass... even if they're fellow soldiers.

9- Geek Patrol: Guillermo Del Toro (Pan's Labyrinth, Hellboy) to direct The Hobbit.

10- Allow the Pledge Of Allegiance to be recited in spanish once a year and end up physically threatened. Stay classy Edgerton Wisconsin!