X-MEN 3 - FOOTAGE FOUND ON THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR

Recently unearthed, this rare footage shows how filmmakers considered a different direction for the movie franchise.

THE RABBIT HOLE GETS EVEN DEEPER

Turns out the woman responsible for the rainbow conspiracy video has an entire YouTube channel dedicated to the vast conspiracy of weird experiments that are being perpetrated on an unsuspecting populace every day.

Visit her site and get your self educated! OR watch this shocking video.



And in case you're wondering what she means when she talks about High Frequency Active Auroral Research, click here.

THE CONSPIRACY CONTINUES

Another video gem courtesy Jeff S. Much like those who believed fluoride would rob us of our precious bodily essence, this woman has unearthed yet another insidious plot to pollute our water supply. Watch and tremble.... if you dare!


Insane Rainbow Conspiracy Lady - Watch more free videos

SIMPLE AND TO THE POINT



And only a small sample what's wrong with this frightening candidate. Like, did you know she supported requiring rape victims to pick up the cost of their rape testing kits. Nice. Or maybe that she was overheard at a local diner saying, "Sambo beat the bitch," when Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton.

Nothing says partiot like a corrupt, bigoted, insensitive, Christian fascist.

EVIL DEAD... THE MUSICAL

Yup. Another example of classic theater I simply must see. Don't know how, don't know when... but I need to experience this play. Preferably after eating three or four items from the list of 100 thing you have to eat before you die.

100 THINGS YOU SHOULD EAT BEFORE YOU DIE

Strangely, pop rocks mixed with Dr. Pepper isn't on the list. Maybe it's because Mikey's stomach exploded. Or whatever that urban myth said.

Speaking of eating strange foods. I remember once when Jeff S and I were up in Vancouver BC and I decided that I needed to taste a 'century egg.'

It was black. The yolk was greyish-yellowish black. It was... really yucky. It tasted really really eggy. In the bad way. But now I can write about my 'century egg' experience.

On this list, I've eaten most of the traditional and ethnic stuff ....except for the rare meat dishes (blood pudding, crocodile, head cheese etc). Still, I need to give these a try: carp, Bagna cauda, Umeboshi, Poutine, Durian, Gjetost, or brunost, Baijiu, and Lapsang souchong.

What about you?

WHY THE AMERICAN AUTO INDUSTRY DESERVES ALL THE PAIN IT'S IN

So, Ford has come up with a pretty good-looking car that gets 65 mpg. The 2009 Fiesta ECOneticin goes on sale in Europe this November.

When does it debut here? Never. Ford won't sell it here.

Why? "Business reasons."

Actually, it's because it runs on diesel and they don't want to refit their Mexican plants.

It's bad enough Europe gets free healthcare while we all go bankrupt from cancer. Now they get fuel efficient cars while federal tax incentives still favor those who buy Hummers.

THREE MAGIC WORDS

Bacon flavored vodka.

Imagine Homer Simpson salivating here.

But will vegetarians drink it?



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CREEPY MUTE CHRISTIAN CLOWNS WILL WASH YOUR CAR

No really. Read all about it here.
There's even an unsettling picture.

This is the stuff of nightmares for my kids.


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"It was so cool gettin' saved."
-Sarah Palin

This guy's commentary is a bit insufferable but it's worth it to see the commercial for Sarah Palin's church in Wasilla.



Then there's this winner, where she addresses the congregation and says a gas pipeline is God's will.



But the thing that probably disturbs me most is this picture of our VP Wannabe... which will, no doubt, bring in the all those neanderthals who've been breathing in stock car fumes for the last decade.

Lord, help us all!

The best response I've heard to her attack on Obama as a community organizer was from a woman caller on the Diane Rehm Show who said she was a devout christian who was deeply offended by Palin's speech.

She reminded McCain's VP pick that, "Jesus was a community organizer. Pontius Pilate was a governer."

Amen.

Omen.

Whatever.

GOOD FENCES MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS

I always love stumbling across a kindred spirit on the Internets. This guy (gal?) has put together some really nifty pictures of cool, eccentric and seriously bizarre fences.

He missed a few, including the toothbrush fence and the musical barbed wire fence.

Still, the bra fence is an instant classic and there are lots of other barricade wonder to be had. Personally, I'd love to have the rollercoasting white picket or the colored pencil fence. Enjoy!

BUST A MOVE FOR JESUS

Footage from the church that Sarah Palin attends in Alaska. The same one that said Jews are damned to hell... with her in attendance. How many weeks were we subjected to Jeremiah Wright? Where's the news coverage on the Sarah Barracuda's antiSemitic relgious leader?

Wasilla Assembly of God Clip

SUPERHEROES ARE PEOPLE TOO


Okay, on a lighter note.... Jeff S turned me onto this preview for a new BBC show that looks fantastic. The thing that pisses me off is that I had this very same idea for a show 6 years ago. Ah, well. Steve Jobs also stole my idea for the iPhone.

Of course, this being the U.S.A., I can't see the show... except for the magic of bittorrent.

Here's a taste...

OKAY, THIS IS JUST PURE UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT

If I hear one more pinheaded right wing commentator talk about the "liberal" media I'm going to puke. Case in point: CNN asks... yes, they actually dedicated news time to this... Is Obama The AntiChrist?

Aside for the fact that we all know Dick Cheney is the freakin' AntiChrist, in what reality is this responsible journalism? When was the last time you saw ANY Republican get called the AntiChrist by a major news outlet? Never.

Boy, good thing the Left Behind authors were there to offer a balanced perspective:

"I can see by the language he uses why people think he could be the antichrist," adds LaHaye, "but from my reading of scripture, he doesn't meet the criteria. There is no indication in the Bible that the antichrist will be an American."

Most of the time I refrain from cursing in my blog but WHAT THE FUCK? Has our country and its news media gone FUCKING INSANE? When did we reenter the 11th Century?

Here's the embarrassing, insulting and just plain imbecilic clip...



For the record:

George Bush +AntiChrist = 294, 000 hits.
John McCain+AntiChrist = 489, 000 hits.
Sarah Palin+AntiChrist = 226,000.

Clearly, Obama is the most evil with 900,000 hits.

But wait...

Christians + idiots = 5,950, 000 hits.
Yup, that's 5 million.

CNN + idiots = 2,110,000 hits

Maybe there is something to this Google hits = truth formula after all.


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EVER WONDER WHAT TV COMMENTATORS SAY WHEN THE CAMERA ISN'T ON THEM ANYMORE? WONDER NO MORE!

Rightwing Reagan speechwriter and partisan scold Peggy Noonan thinks Palin is the nail in John McCain's political coffin and expresses real anger over the choice. Off camera, of course. On camera she's an aging cheerleader.

Enjoy!

IN A WORLD WITHOUT ...DON LAFONTAINE

The name probably means nothing to you but this guy is essentially the voice of movie trailers, having done over 5000 in his lifetime. The minute you hear his sonorous baritone you'll think, 'oh that guy.' LaFontaine was a machine, ripping through up to 50 voice overs a week.

Here are a few examples of his work. In particular, I like how the Geico commercial used him.








And here's a brief doc on the guy. The world of cinema will never be the same. I hope they honor him at the next Oscars. He deserves it!

The Disturbing Origins of 5 Common Nursery Rhymes

In college I learned the creepy origins of Ring Around The Rosey (kids would mock plaque victims with the chant) and ever since have been unwilling to play the game with my kids. This great little Internet article from Cracked (of all places) explains a few more unsavory origins for children's rhymes. Check it out.

This is what they had to say about Georgie Porgie...

The whole thing refers to a torrid gay sex scandal involving King Charles I. Georgie Porgie is thought to be a caricature of George Villiers, the 1st Duke of Buckingham and hardcore pretty boy. He was rumored to be a lover to Anne of Austria, the Queen Consort of France who was notorious for just about everything except for being pretty. Or really looking like a woman at all.

WHO IS SARAH PALIN?

Other than John McCain's Hail Mary attempt to get elected.

Well, she wants creationism taught in High School science classes.

http://blog.wired.com/wiredscience/2008/08/mccains-vp-want.html

Thinks polar bears shouldn't get a 'threatened species' designation because it might slow down oil drilling.

http://blog.wired.com/27bstroke6/2008/08/john-mccain-pic.html

Caused the 'city' she was mayor of to spend nearly ten times the amount it might have paid for a sports complex... because she allowed it to be built on someone else's land ...then tried to seize it through eminent domain.

http://www.adn.com/matsu/story/474934.html

And appointed a sexual harrasser as the head of Alaska's Department of Public Safety

http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/08/palin-appointed.html

But really, the fact is, she's 44 years old, has no practical national political experience, would be one hearbeat away from becoming president to the oldest elected president in our country (God forbid), would continue undermining laws to benefit the oil industry, left her former hometown's finances in a shambles, admitted to not knowing what a vice president does in an interview two years ago, and is under investigation for abusing the power of her office.

The horrifying thing? She'll probably get elected.

GREAT MOVIES SWEDED

Okay, if you didn't see Be Kind Rewind (and most people didn't) you probably don't know what 'sweded' means. So, watch this clip.




These homemade versions of popular flicks were the best part of Be Kind Rewind. As a matter of fact, I was so tickled by them I gave the movie a better review than I should. As a total movie package, however, it was pretty lacking.

Still, the film challenged audience to no longer be passive when it comes to art. To participate. Which is a terrific message. And one that sunk in with a few people. So, check out these awesome 'sweded' versions of popular films, now circulating on YouTube.

And go out and make your own!

TERMINATOR 2




JOHN CARPENTER'S THE THING

I HOPE YOU LIKE PAIN

Apparently these guys do.

ROLLERSKATING NINJAS

Jeff S continues with the martial arts madness. Dig the totally bitchin' soundtrack. Of course, these guys would've been toast if they'd gone after Weng Weng.

OMG! IT'S WENG WENG

Once you've had the Weng Weng nothing else will do. (Thank you Jeff S for this amazing rap/homage video).

WATCH THE BOX...

This news report from Minnesota courtesy Jeff S.

GOT WOOD?

Safe for work... only if the sound is turned off.



Not sure how many new Greenpeace this'll attract but it's certainly a new approach.

THE MESSIAH IS IN DA HOUSE!

Just back from vacation out West. Hope to add the gobs o' stuff I've found on the net soon. Also my theories on why Republicans only support religous doctrine/issues that don't actually cost them anything and other useless thoughts.

In the meantime, Jeff S sends me this moment of zen...

I Think I'm Changing My Vote

Inspired...

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

COULD YOU SURVIVE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?

Take the test.

I got a:

Physical rating of B
Mental rating of A.
Experience rating of C.
Emotional Rating (integrity) of F.


Which, according to the rating system, means I get a Z+ ...I'm likely to survive the undead onslaught.

Isn't the music creepy.

HITLER'S BUNKER FOUND?

Have you ever noticed how unopoular name Adolph is? One guy has pretty much ruined a perfectly good name for everyone. Charlie Chaplin-style mustaches too.

The bunkers - discovered near the town of Houvig off the Danish coast - are part of 7,000 built by the Nazis as part of Hitler's 'Atlantic Wall' from Norway to the South of France. Expert Tommy Cassoe said: 'It was like entering a pyramid with mummies all around. It is as if the German soldiers had left only yesterday.'

Read about it here.

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GET YOUR WAR ON

Get me on the list!

Brilliant, subversive stuff. I love the comic strip. The video is just as good. Check it out, you won't be sorry. But be careful, it's not safe for work. It says naughty words and provokes political thought.

THE U.S. GOVT JUST GETS CREEPIER AND CREEPIER

Do, The Department Of Homeland Security claims that they can, at borders, confiscate/seize your laptop for any reason, never have to return it to you and can share your data and content with whoomever they like.

Now, don't you feel safer?

Full article here.

SONNET 138 and MORE BEAUTIFUL THINGS TO LOOK AT

Dave McKean is a brilliant and bizarre illstrator / artists / animator. He directed a film called MirrorMask which was lovely to look at but less successful to listen to.

Here's some of his stuff in a purer form. just exquisite.



The Week Before



Doll Face

For The Buffy Fans In The House

I'm one of those geeks who worships at the alter of Joss Whedon. In fact, my pipedream is to one day be a part of his writing team. Doesn't matter what the show is, I just wanna write for him.
And then we'll become best friends and cut our thumbs with my pen knife and do that blood oath/friends-for-life thing and when I die I'll leave some cryptic set of instructions that will send him on a totally crazy cross-country adventure, which he'll do to honor the memory of our friendship. Wacky things will ensue.

Anyway, the further adventures of Buffy The Vampire Slayer was briefly considered to become an animated cartoon. Which sounded pretty darned cool to me. And, of course, it didn't happen. Because Hollywood is a cruel and fickle mistress who gets it on with really annoying assholes who wear lotsa hair gel, have six pack abs and drive much nicer cars than me.

Anyway, here's a nifty sample of what could have been. The cast (minus Sarah Michellle Gellar) returns to provide vocals. The Buffy stand-in (voice-in) is surprisingly good. Enjoy!

Tortoise Hates Cats

'nuff said. Just watch...



http://view.break.com/293055 - Watch more free videos

Still more controversial comments by Jesse Jackson about Barack Obama

YOUR BOOBS ARE A SECURITY RISK

The line between fascism and security is an awfully thin one. Southwest Airlines crossed it. A woman is told by "Keith," a member of Southwest's fashion security detail, that she would not be permitted to fly because her attire was inappropriate.

See the photo. Read the full story.

Check out customers' responses.

My favorite was from "Sandy." No doubt fluuoride has also robbed him/her of his/her precious bodily fluids.

This incident raises my concern about the way women do not think of covering their bodies sufficiently to avoid the possibility of smearing public seats withtheir personal bodily fluids, discharge, etc. In addition to the short skirts, some women wear scanty "string" underwear leaving an almost bare buttocks area directly on the seat covers. This is extremely unsanitary! The limited space in which a passenger must travel on any public transportation is then reduced even more by such occurrences. I applaud, the flight attendant for taking a stand to protect the customer. I applaud Southwest for standing behind its employee and its policy in this matter. I would encourage any further actions by Southwest to continue to move to protect and inform its passengers. I will continue to fly Southwest.

TRIX ARE FOR KIDS, BUT BABY WAS FOR HIM

Check out these incredible Grindhouse / pulp novel versions of breakfast cereals.

Just brilliant!

Sweet Wishes

A short film by Mark Ryden and Marion Peck.

I can't get that wee little tune out of my head.

HEY, BEN STILLER IS STILL FUNNY. WHO'D OF GUESSED?

SORE LOSER

Thanks, Jeff!

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL...

...And the Devil appears. Jeff S just sent me this ... okay, there's no way around it... messed up video of some Japanese TV show. As he mentioned in his email, we are undoubtedly missing some nuance of Japanese culture.

The video gives a whole new meaning to the term "banana sling."

Listen for the 'thump' as the female judge laughs so hard she smacks her head on the table.

FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE

This post is for my buddy Jeff Sherwood (who has provided this site some awesome links). I don't know why when I hear Rosicrucions I think Jeff. But I do. I like to think of them as an ancient order of D&D geeks.

This site is for him.

FASHION POST

To paraphrase someone: I don't know good fashion when I see it, but I know what I like.

And I really really like this silver ring made from a real octopus tentacle.

Check out the site. They sell very cool stuff.

However, this ring kinda disturbs me.

Like in an icky not-cool way. It's a replica of the AIDS virus in jewelry form.

I guess nothing says "I love you" like a bejewelled sexually transmitted disease.

OKAY, THIS IS JUST CREEPY

I love The Simpsons. Or, at least, I did love The Simpsons once upon a time (Seasons 3-7). Now, I just sorta like them. But this... this is gonna give me nightmares. I know it.

CONGRATULATIONS MR. VALEDICTORIAN! NOW LEAVE.

Ah, yes, our ever-so humane immigration policies strike again.

This wouldn't have happened if congress had passed the DREAM Act, which would have provided high-achieving high school students who are long-term illegal immigrants, and who wish to serve in the armed forces or attend college to be able to gain legal status.

Oh, wait, it did pass it. But see, 44 Republicans --you know the same Republicans who threatened to end the filibuster-- threatened to filibuster this modestly sane piece of legislation. And so the act went nowhere.

If you think shipping people who have been here since they were infants back to 'where they came from' is sound government policy... well, there's a word for you. It sounds kinda like snapperhead.

Oh wait, it is snapperhead.

HOW WE WENT FROM $22 TO $130 FOR A BARREL OF OIL IN EIGHT YEARS

Well, the simple answer would be Bush/Cheney. I mean, are people really shocked that oil prices have skyrocketed after two corrupt oil men were put into presidential power? You'd have to be blind and brain dead not to see that one coming. Dubya was worth $10 million dollars when he took office. Today he's worth $100 million. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Anyway, this guy compares our energy policies to Seinfeld's George Costanza. The premise is that when given the choice between two options, George always chose the one with the worst possible outcome. It's a pretty good list of how Constanza-like our country is.

OKAY, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE TEXAS INSANITY FOR A CHANGE

Seems, Houston has solved all its criminal prolems and has moved onto some really serious issues --namely, enforcing their police department's "no beard" policy.

Four black officers filed a federal civil rights lawsuit against the city last November, claiming discrimination because shaving exacerbates a skin condition that disproportionately affects black men.

Pseudofolliculitis barbae is a dermatological condition common among men with thick and curly facial hair. Shaving can cause irritating rashes, ingrown hairs, bleeding and
scarring. Officers with beards are barred from wearing the Houston Police Department uniform. The officers who filed suit were reassigned to plainclothes
jobs.

Read the rest here.

LIFE IN FLORIDA'S CONDO LAND

Most of its what you'd expect. But this one is chock full of Sunshine State goodness.

If you think these rules are silly or extreme, consider a deed-restricted development in Jasper County, near Hilton Head, S.C. In 1998 a developer bought 1,700 acres, a property called Delta Plantation, to subdivide for homes. The official covenants, as recorded in the county auditor's office, say the property may never be sold or leased "to any person or entity that may be described as being part of the Yankee race."

REASON #1026 NOT TO MOVE TO FLORIDA

The Sons of Confederate Veterans wants drivers in the Tampa area to see the massive flag — 30 feet high and 50 feet long — atop a 139-foot pole, the highest the Federal Aviation Authority would allow. It would be lit at night.

Read rest of the travesty... er ... article here

MORE FLORIDA GOODNESS

So, you may wonder why I smash on the Sunshine State. After all it is my native land. Yup, I was born in Miami.

Well, other than the fact that I blame Florida for giving us the neverending horrorshow that is George W. Bush, they are place that profoundly baffles and disturbs me. Is it the endless strip malls? Substandard housing that gets creamed by hurricanes over and over again? Independent state of Disney? Bizarre police-state communities that enforce lawn lengths, house colors and prohibit children? --Which is not only evil in my book but flies in the face of what America stands for.

Well, yeah, I guess it could be those things. But mostly it's that they generate so much f*#cked up news.

Enjoy this new classic...

Florida mother jailed for caging son

WE ARE THE WORLD

As performed by Japanese celebrity impersonators. Just brilliant.

A TERRIBLE AFFLICTION!

Are those tears of sorrow or tears of laughter? (Thanks Jeff S!)

OKAY, SO MAYBE EPISIODE 2 WAS A GOOD IDEA

More Homeless James Bond goodness. Enjoy!

HOMELESS JAMES BOND

Kinda brilliant. Very funny. Watch what happens to the white shirt 15 seconds after he puts it on. Wish I had thought of it. Rather than doing further episodes, however, they should have come up with other films / shows/ etc to do 'homeless' style.

CREEPY

I always knew cell phones were invented by the Devil. (thanks Jeff S!)

BETTER THAN THE MOVIE

So, if you haven't seen the new Indiana Jones movie, don't bother. It's a big disappointment. Cate Blanchett does Natasha from Bullwinkle. Space aliens show up at the end and Indiana is basically a crotchety old guy with super human strength. Kinda sucko. You can read my too generous review below (for some reason the Metro Times hasn't posted on their site yet).

Anyway, by way of buddy Jeff S comes this far more amusing installment to the Indiana Jones saga. Check it out...


My review for Detroit's Metro Times.

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

B-

Over-stuffed yet under-cooked, the fourth installment in the Indiana Jones serial, which began 28 years ago, suffers from too many ideas and not enough focus. If David Koepp's inelegantly pulpy patchwork of a half dozen other screenplays (written by the likes of Frank Darabont and Jeb Stuart, no less) were helmed by anyone other than Steven Spielberg, the movie would be a disastrous mess. As it is, it's a fitfully entertaining but entirely unnecessary addition to the canon.

Much like Spielberg's work on The Lost World (the clunky Jurassic Park sequel), Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull has moments of verve and panache but is ultimately undone by too many explanations and endless allusions to the previous films. The cinematic Easter eggs will, no doubt, keep salivating fanboys happy, but Koepp and Spielberg have unintentionally created a meta-film of sorts; one that pays homage to films that were themselves an homage to cliffhangers of a bygone era.

Dropping us right into the action, Crystal Skull opens with Dr. Jones (Harrision Ford, of course) and his triple crossing cohort Mac (Ray Winstone) dragged by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett channeling Bullwinkle's Natasha) and platoon of Ruskies into an Area 51 warehouse. They are searching for a mummy. Why? Well, that's never really clear but after a daring escape, Dr. Jones falls in with teenaged Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) in his search to find a colleague who went missing while seeking El Dorado, the lost Mayan city of gold. Only he's really looking for an alien crystal skull, see? And Mutt is Marion Ravenwood's (Karen Allen from the first film) kid. Which mean, he's Indy's kid. And there's lots and lots of talk about hieroglyphics and past events and former colleagues and all sorts of stuff we don't care about. It all culminates in a poorly structured final act that involves aliens or inter-dimensional travelers or, well, it doesn't matter. The climax completely melts down and becomes an excuse to throw some CGI effects at the screen.

Simply said, Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull can't justify its existence. Just as giving Indy a Dad didn't make Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade any better, giving him a son seems like a concept in search of a movie. In fact, the two films both trade character development and ingenuity for exposition-heavy narrative and over-the-top but passionless action. Which isn't to say they're bad films. Just that they fail to meet expectations.

On some level Spielberg seems to acknowledge this and tries to keep Crystal Skull barreling along. Every time things gets bogged down in meaningless talk… which it does often… he compensates with a ridiculously extended action scene. They may not have the grandeur and go-for-broke invention of the first two Indiana Jones films but they're crisply directed and mostly fun (despite some piss-poor CGI). Even at his worst, Spielberg knows how to keep an out-of-control action piece structured and fast-paced. The film's best is a wild motorcycle chase around Yale's campus.

Still, for all his skill, Spielberg is unable to capture the sense of awe, surprise and danger of his earliest films. Part of the problem is Indy himself. No longer a cocky artifact hunter who has to use his wits and willpower to get out of situations he mostly gets himself into, the aging Dr. Jones is now a humorless grump with the physicality of a 30 year-old superman. His acts of derring-do are so painless and his triumphs so assured, the film never creates any drama.

To Harrison Ford's credit, at the very least, he seems engaged. After phoning in performances for the last decade he manages to bring his…well, not A-Game but, at least, a solid B to Indy's world-weary tough-guy persona. Unfortunately, Koepp is unable to give him a single winning line of dialogue. The guy's got nothing to work with.

Which is exactly what undermines the talented LaBeouf, neuters Blanchett's villainess and puts the usually terrific Ray Winstone on the sidelines. The return of Karen Allen's character is one of the film's few treats. She and Ford briefly connect but are quickly split apart by Koepp's pointlessly busy script. It makes you wonder why Spielberg bothered to hire such an accomplished (and no doubt expensive) cast if he was only going to waste them.

Of course, comparing this fourth sequel to Raiders Of The Lost Ark –arguably the greatest action-adventure flick of all time—isn't really fair. But you'd hope that after a nearly two-decade break; George Lucas and Spielberg would have a few new ideas to add to mix. Unfortunately, the best they can come up with is a competent but half-hearted rehash. It's like that hum-able song you've heard thousands of times on the radio but haven't grown to hate. Entertaining but, ultimately, irrelevant.

YUP, IT'S FLORIDA

Not too long ago I linked to a story where a Florida teacher was accused of "wizardry" and fired for doing some sleight of hand.

Here, they've decided to censor the art work of a high school student becasue... aw, just read the damn article.

VEGAN POTLUCKS = TERRORIST CELLS

In preparation for the Republican National Convention, the FBI is soliciting informants to keep tabs on local protest groups. First clue that something's amiss? They serve nutloaf.

Read about it here.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE...

...Restaurant chains lie about their diet menu offerings.

Read about it here.

YOU MISSED IT...

My birthday was yesterday. It kinda sucked. I had to work into the wee hours of the night. Had a nice quickie meal at Zingerman's with the family unit. It was fun to watch Nate and Sam try to feed a mustard-covered hotdog bun to the birds.

Anywho, here are some completely useless or outrageously expensive things I wish I had gotten for gifts.

1. Faucet Light - I have no idea why I want this. I just do. It's like Pimp My Bathroom Sink.

2. Sink Positive - very cool. And oh-so sustainable.

3. Coffin Clock - Though, there's a lot from this site that would make me very happy.

4. Weird and useless watches - They're Japanese, so they gotta be good.

5. Robotic Pianist Hand - Totally geeky and just plain wonderful.

6. Socks - I'm finally at the age where a pair of socks won't disappoint me.

HITLER'S BURNING MAN PLANS GO TO SHIT

Hilarious. And just so wrong.

ARE YOU A BALLBUSTER?

Thanks, Jeff S for this blast from the past. I love how sleepy the announcer's voice sounds.

Now, didn't Mattel have a game called Pocket Pool? Or was it Crotch Rocket?

Tales Of Corporate & Legal Douche Baggery

1- Warner/DC comics shuts down children's cancer charity auction over trademark

2- Imagine if she'd had a slice o' pie with that. Woman fired after being accused of 'stealing' $2 from Tim Horton. Gets her day in court.

3- Because web surfing is everybody's business. Charter Communications, the fourth-largest cable system in the U.S., has informed its high-speed Internet customers that it's going to track every site they visit on the Web. Good thing cable isn't a monopoly or anything. Oh, right.

4- Don't pay your $300 dental bill, lose your house. Makes sense to me. If I were a complete asshole.

Darth Was A Blues Man

Just hilarious. 'nuff said.

BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND BILL O'REILLY

I had a link to the MySpace page with this tune last week. But here it is in all its video glory.

Warning: You probably don't want to let this blast from your work cubicle.

JUST HOW AWARE ARE YOU?

I love this video Jeff S sent me. If you're like me, you'll be amazed by the final outcome.

I know I don't get many comments but I'd love to read about people's reactions to this.

Pulp Fiction circa 1603

J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.Allow me then to offer a response.Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,And never have I heard tell of this What.What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!J: Then hearken to my words and answer them! Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!

Tarrantino! Shakespeare! Two great tastes that taste great together. Read it HERE.

DEFININTELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK...

...but kinda funny. (thanks, Jeff!) The worst sex therapist in the world.

Warning: the ad before the "Dr. Ulee" video is kinda annoying.

From Crackle: Dr. Ulee 3

BTW no posts these last few days 'cuz blogger was having problems. Or, at least, it was for me. It would allow access to the tool bar.

But we're back again. And badder than ever.

IS HILLARY THE PSYCH EX GIRLFRIEND WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU UP LATE AT NIGHT?

Hillary: Hey baby.
DEMS: C'mon Hillary. Enough with this.
Hillary: Don't you get it? You NEED me.
DEMS: No, I don't. It was fun while it lasted but
I'm with Barack now. I made my choice, it's done.
Hillary: You can't really mean that. How can you say that after all the good times we had?

More here. Reflection here.

TALES OF AMERICAN JUSTICE...

...and other weirdness.

1- Your 18 year-old daughter fails her GED. What's a father to do? Go to jail.

2- Wal-Mart loss prevention detectives are second only to FOX security. They're watching!

3- Halt! You are have been single out as a threat to security by our behavior detection officers. The Thought Police will be here in a moment to take you away.

4- Wear a skimpy dress to prom... that's a jailing!

5- "My child stepped in dog poop! Someone must pay!" J'accuse Norwalk, Connecticut.

6- Mugshot goodness. And that first girl seems so nice. Maybe she got too high of an interest rate. Check out the power trio in photo #2.

7- FROM THE "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH CONGRESS" FILE: Download an illegal mp3... we'll take your house.

8- Wait, before you save that woman's life... you need to pay for that!

9- Cashier gets robs at gun point. Billion dollar multinational company expresses concern with "You're fired!"

10- Having putting an end to all other unsafe construction practices, Eugene, Oregon fines tavern $12K for illicit use of shrubbery.

BILL O'REILLY "PLAYS IT OUT"

Bill O'Reilly totally f&%#'in melts down. But see, now that he's on FOX he's so much happier (and richer). Or maybe it was all those loofah sponge baths.

Here's the video. And a friggin' awesome remix based on the YouTube clip based on the bootleg. God I do love me the Internets.

THE 'OFFICIAL LINE' ON THE THREE SECOND RULE

...and other food myths. Get edu-mi-cated here.

MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC

Work harder! Be happier!

Click here for the answer!

Lincoln! Douglas! Stephananopoulos! Gibson!

If ABC ran the Lincoln-Douglas debates.

STEPHANOPOULOS: I’m sorry to interrupt, but do you think Mr. Douglas loves America as much you do?
LINCOLN: Sure I do.
STEPHANOPOULOS: But who loves America more?
LINCOLN: I’d prefer to get on with my opening statement George.
STEPHANOPOULOS: If your love for America were eight apples, how many apples would Senator Douglas’s love be?

I FIND YOUR LACK OF FASHION DISTURBING

1. "Hello Vader" courtesy Jeff.

2. Dear Billy: "Your parents are right. You can subscribe to Hustler when you turn 18. Hang in there - you'll be 18 before you know it. Until then, you should read the Sears Roebuck catalog."

Sincerely,

Larry Flynt

Little Billy gets advice from Charles Manson, the Unabomber, Richard Ramirez (The Night Stalker), Alan Greenspan, Ahnold, Clarence Thomas, and, of course, Dick Cheney.

3. Ginger or Maryanne. The great debate is resolved.

4. "Little Bunny Jihad hopping through the forest. Scooping up the jewish infidels and bopping them on the head!"

A CALL NO PARENT SHOULD EVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO

Soldier's cell phone accidentally calls home in his pocket ...during a fire fight in Afghanistan.

Yup, Another 'They Fool Ya When They Stand Upright' Florida Story

Substitute teacher does a magic trick for class... fired for "wizardry." Tossed into pool, floats, burned at the stake.

Read about it here.

KEITH OLBERMANN EXPLAINS HILLARY'S VICTORY CALCULUS

Do you live in a state that counts? Fall into the proper age, income, race demographic? Then Hillary wants you. All others need not apply.

Just brilliant. This guy is so damn good....

Hello Darth Kitty

Love this tattoo. No reason for you to check it out on the site I stumbled across ...but I should probably link there because... well, I pilfered the image for your amusement.

“Say, Isn’t This Election Just Like A Great FOOTBALL GAME?!”

If you've ever listened to/watched Chris Matthews or Tim Russert THIS is a brilliant dissection of everything that is wrong with media coverage of the elections.

Excerpt:

Chris Matthews: Isn’t this election just like a great FOOTBALL GAME? I mean, like a great knockdown, drag-out football game, where people are hitting each other really hard and really going at it? Don’t you think it’s just like a football game?

Howard Fineman: Not really, no.

Chris: I think it’s just like a football game, I really do. It reminds me of, you know, going to the stadium and seeing two teams just BATTLE back and forth. Only now we’re in OVERTIME! Isn’t it just like an OVER TIME FOOTBALL GAME?

Howard: Again, no. Football is an athletic contest played on a field whose outcome is determined by some combination of physical skill and good luck. This is a presidential primary election, whose outcome hinges on grass roots organization and effective if sometimes duplicitous PR and ad campaigns. It’s, you know, totally different.

It gets better as it goes along. Especially once Hillary joins the fray.

DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS OPENS BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT!

Two words: Moon Nazis.

RANDOM BITS OF USEFUL NONSENSE

1- More evidence boomers suck --they pay Gen X'ers and Millennials less than they were paid. Gee, didn't see that one comin'.

2- You know the one about military intelligence, right? Good news: You've won the Silver Star for bravery in combat! Bad news: You're a woman and women are just no good at being soldiers. You're relieved of duty. Now get me a beer.

3- Headline of the week: Mr. Gay Cut Up Pal For Eating'. And then it starts to get weird.

4- Apparently Vero Beach, Fla has solved all of society's ill and can now focus on what's really important. (courtesy my best bud, Jeff)

5- There's a town in Washington called Nooksack. I can't drive by the sign without cracking up. The mere thought of it inspires such quips as" "I once got kicked in the nooksack by an eight year-old girl. Man, did that hurt." What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Glad you asked.

You can buy the ultimate support-our-troops item: Camo-Nutz. If only I'd had them to protect my nooksack. (again courtesy Jeff)

BUT YOU CAN'T ARREST ME, I'M RICH...

Sometimes the wealthy and powerful get exactly what they deserve. Not nearly as often as they should but when they do, oh the sweet flavor of their pain.

I long to see the day when 'white collar' criminals --you know, the guys who steal millions from your Uncle Bob's pension plan-- are forced to do hard time with Bubba, the crack addicted 7-11 stick-up guy.

Until then, here's a rare moment where some young fancy-pants with a slick sob story about "intermittent explosive disorder" gets his come-uppence. His facial reaction is worth the price of admission alone.

Click through the whole set.

HELL, YEAH!

Okay, for those of you outside the great state of Michigan... Detroit's Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick --who has twice the embarrassment strength of Bill Clinton during the Lewinsky scandal-- ended up costing the city millions of dollars in settlement fees after he had local police officers fired when their investigations started to turn up evidence of his sordid affair with... oh, it doesn't matter. The guy's just sleazy and has got to go.

Anyway, this local anchorman reading the mayor's sexy text messages is so Ron Burgundy a defy you not to start cracking up round about "Damn that. Never busted. Busted is what you see." I especially like his interpretation of LOL. This guy is destined for black romance novel audiobooks.

Stay classy Detroit!

NEWS YOU CAN USE UPDATE

1- Can I get $359 billion in tens and the rest in quarters? Sometimes stupidity is endearing.

2- Seattle hate pigeons. Owie!

3- Tune in tomorrow. Same weirdo time! Same weirdo channel! YouTube gives Scientologists
their own channel. Scientologist promptly sue.

4- Your shoes are destroying your feet. Really. Read about it here. I was so convinced I ordered
a pair of vibram five-fingered sandals.

5- Want to succeed in business. Learn from the mafia.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME NOW BEFORE A BALD BLACK DUDE ASKS YOU, "DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE RED PILL OF THE BLUE ONE?"

Video of a robot called the 'AirJelly.' It's simulatenously beautiful and creepy.