LIFE IS JUST A BUNCH OF RANDOM
STUFF THAT HAPPENS

...and so are today's links. Enjoy!

1. The history of condoms... but you'll have to ask the guy behind the counter.



2. Buckingham Palace Marching Band plays Darth Vader's theme.



3. How well do you know Europe? Post your scores in the comment section. I got a 79.



4. Amazing photos of Easter Island.



5. The State Of The Union Address and 71 year-old John McCain is there!



6. Karate chop for Christ!



7. Terrorist sympathizer Andy Griffith rails against Patriot Act.



8. The Biology of B-Movie Monsters.



9. Polly wants to know why you're so stupid.



10. Amish Heat.

JACK BAUER: TORTURER, PSYCHOPATH, OR PATRIOT?

A few months back I wrote about neocons affection for shows like Battlestar Galactica and 24. With this season's BG making it abundantly clear the show's creators are no fans of the Bush Administration's policies (heck, they all but announce that the evil-robotic Cylons are stand-ins for the US), wingnuts cling to the violent flag-waving wet dream of 24 for dear life.

Now, I'm actually a fan of 24. It's breathtaking pace, twisty cliffhangers and quadruple-cross betrayals are endlessly entertaining. That said, this month's New Yorker makes me feel awfully guilty about watching the show.

Today's rustedeye is dedicated to the punch-him-in-the-throat antics of Jack Bauer.

1. Whatever It Takes


2. Life imitates art... unfortunately.


3. Jack vs The Goonies
   
4. 24... Hour Pizza Delivery
5. Damn It!
6. Jack played this as a kid

PIRATES & EMPORERS

Noam Chomsky meets Schoolhouse Rock. Check out their site.



(2) ...speaking of Noam Chomsky, here is the definitive interview.

(3) The Simpsons meets Schoolhouse Rock

THE WEEK IN FUNNY
FEB 19-25, 2007

ALL WE ARE SAYING IS, GIVE FAILURE A CHANCE

“Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people

by the people for the people.”

-Oscar Wilde

Last summer I ran for city council here in Ann Arbor. Campaigning against 2 longtime, well-connected residents and spending the princely sum of $700, it was a longshot that I'd get elected. Indeed, I lost. But by only 150 votes. In the precincts where I campaigned, I had done surprisingly well. If I had had another 2-3 weeks I think I could have won the thing,

Since then I have become a vice chair in the city's Democratic party and a member of the cable commission. I've always been a bit of a political wonk and armchair quarterback, now, I'm in the game... albeit as a bench warmer.

Today's links are in celebration of my new found hobby, curse or calling... depending on whom you speak with. Unfortunately, there's nothing to really celebrate in these post, unless throwing up in your mouth is a cause to party.

1. Bush to nominate anti-safety regulation lobbyist to head Consumer Product Safety Commission. Infant seats to now include saddle gas tanks.


2. John McCain in less than 3 minutes.


3. Fun Facts! Seven state constitutions require a belief in God in order to hold public office. Does the Flying Spaghetti Monster count?


4. Michigan treasurer falls for nigerian scam.


5. Heavy metal lunchboxes


6. Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress


7. Another upstanding member of Congress.And when I say member, I mean dick.


8. Lest you think all scumbag lobbyists are Republicans...


9. Molly did not HEART Hillary. (RIP, we'll miss you, Molly)


10. The real Joh McCain: here, and here. The real Rudy.

"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation’s history. It’s the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face... which could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration has done."

---Jimmy Kimmel

THE WEEK IN FUNNY

It's been cold as hell in Michigan this winter. There have been more subzero days than I care to remember. You know it's bad when you're thankful for the days that break 20 degrees.

The forecast for this week, however, predicts a steady climb into the 40s. Luxury.

Must get back to work.

Enjoy these amusing video diversions...
1. Letterman gets feisty.
2. Steven Colbert's Know A District.
3. Sex Ed Colbert-style....

THE LIFE OF A FILM CRITIC

So, one of the annoying things about the big studios is that they don't trust reviewers... no matter how long we've been at it. I've been regularly writing about for film for nearly three years and in all that time I have never posted a film on the Internet or sold second generation copies on a street corner for $5.

Still, there are those studios who refuse to trust me... and in realy petty ways. Case in point, the Oscar shorts. Of the 10 films nominated in the shorts categories, I was sent screeners for 8. The missing two? Blue Sky's (Ice Age, Robots) No Time For Nuts and Pixar's Lifted. They sponsored by big corporations who believe we're all a bunch of sneak thieves, waiting to sell our copies to the highest bidder. So, I'm expected to write a review about the shorts program minus the two high profile nominees... which is, arguably, what most people want to see.

So, I did what any good writer would do... sought out the story on my own. Surfing the web, I found three different sites carrying the Blue Sky short. I was able to include it in my piece. Pixar, however, has tighter control of its content and all I could find was a 20 second clip.

It's all so paranoid and stupid. If they studios are so worried that critics will bootleg their 5 minute masterpieces why not just give us a password secured site to watch a streaming clip on?

So, out of spite, here are the three sites carrying No Time For Nuts. It's actually a pretty amusing short featuring Ice Age's prehistoric squirrel, Scrat. The frantic style and humor reminds me of Tex Avery's work with Loony Tunes. The image isn't nearly as crisp and shiny as the sanctioned version, but it's still a hoot. Enjoy!



another link
http://www.cartoonland.de/archiv/scrat-no-time-for-nuts/

If you're interested in some of the other selections. The Maestro, which is quite good, can be found here or here. Or below...




My favorite was The Little Matchstick Girl, adapted from the Hans Christian Anderson story. It's beautiful and heart rending at the same time. The best thing Disney has done in years. It's not on the Net but if you have the recent special edition of The Little Mermaid, it's an extra.

The best of the live action shorts was an Aussie film entitled Saviour. I haven't yet found it on the web (it was yanked from YouTube) but if I do I'll post it here.

MOVIES

Just got back from a screening of Ghost Rider. I hate when the studios screen a film the night before it opens. I was actually assigned to it and Breach but because they both screened tonight Breach went to another reviewer. Lucky bastard. Ghost Rider is a pile of steaming crap. It's jard to believe that Nicholas Cage once won the Oscar for best actor. His performance in this film is laughably bad. What a monumental waste of time, money and talent.

In general, it's been a bad week for films. Last night I watched all the short live action and animated films nominated for an Oscar this year. While the animated selections were delightful, the live action shorts were profoundly underwhelming. The worst, West Bank Story, will probably walk away with the statue. It's crap. A Jews vs. Palestinians spoof of West Side Story. The best, Saviour, was a wicked comic piece about a young door-to-door missionary being led astray by an Australian housewife.

I was scheduled to see Breaking & Entering as well but had childcare issues, so.... Still up, a documentary about photographers of the Cuban revolution. It's gonna be a long night.

But just because I have to watch a bunch of bad movies doesn't mean you have to. Here a bunch of short films that are worth your precious time. Or not. Maybe I want you to suffer like me. Click and find out.

1. Jack Bauer vs. Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
2. Osama Team Hunger Force (damn funny stuff)
3. Today's recipe: Roast Beatbox
4. Learn something. How marbles are made.
5. The Citizen Kane of Hot Wheels road racing movies.

"Love Ain't Nothing but Sex Misspelled"
-Harlan Ellison

1. Valentines is bad for your health.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
-Rita Rudner

2. Amazon's bad gift ideas for valentines day. My favorites are: All About Scabs and Tapeworms: A Medical Dictionary.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
-Matt Groening

3. A wedding photo you'll never forget.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
-Samuel Johnson

4. When Harry Stalked Sally.

Your heart is my piñata.
-Chuck Palahniuk

5. 40 awesomely bad love songs. Play 'em for that special someone!

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
-Woody Allen

OUTLAW TIKES

One of my favorite new quotes is from actor-philosopher Johnny Depp who said:

“When kids hit 1 year old, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.”

The man is a genius. And so hunky!

These links are inspired by his insight...

1. The scariest 10 year-old I've read about all week.
2. If you recently got a prank call that claimed "a big donut fell on your house" you can rest easy now. The authorities are on it!
3. Innocent my ass, lock him up and throw away the key.
4. Another 8 year-old smartypants destined to get beat up by museum officials.
5. Fat kids go missing too!

BEST WEDDING DANCE EVAH!!!

Wait for it... wait for it... YES!

THE WEEK IN FUNNY

'nuf said...

MAKING NICE

Okay, too much Diet Coke and not enough sleep makes Rustedeye a cranky blog.

I've been listening to my new band faves, The Divine Comedy. Their style is... well... kind of like a smart-alecky version of The Doors minus the psychedelia... mixed with Burt Bacharach.

I was actually turned on to them a few years ago and liked 'em fine but their recent albums have really gotten under my skin and tickled my funny bone. You can check out a couple of their tunes on their myspace page (To Die A Virgin is particularly terrific).

Here are few fun links to make up for yesterday's bile...

1. So, You've Been Pushed Out Of Plane...


2. "A rising tide drowns all boats..."


3. Are you a breast man?


4. Monty Python's Star Trek

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
-PJ O'Roarke

So, anyone who knows me knows I grew up in a home that can only be described as Norman Rockwell-like. Especially if Norman Rockwell was a Mommie Dearest meets Lolita kinda guy.

Today's Rustedeye is dedicated to those parents who have the kind of child-rearing skills that produce America's finest Reality TV stars... or serial killers.... or Bush administration official.

BTW my apologies for being AWOL this last week. My new position as managing editor was a real trial-by-fire.

I'll do better next time. I promise...
Please, don't hit me, Mommy....
I said, I promise.

1. Candidate #1 for parent of the year is Mr. Tennessee
2. Candidate #2 for parent of the year is Ms. Atlantic City (she has potential written all over her.)
3. And we have a winner! Say congratulations to Mr. Oregon!
4. They took all the drugs, had all the sex then gave us Ronald Reagan, Rambo movies and "Just Say No." That's right, they're everyone's favorite generation: The Boomers!
5. Two boys who stayed up late playing video games. A pair of loving parents. And a chainsaw. More moments in parental dickishness.

THE RETURN OF THE SON OF THE REVENGE OF
STRANGE STATUES FROM AROUND THE WORLD

Okay, so I have no idea where this statue is from... but I would like to see him write his name in the snow.

For those of you just joining my merry blog, occassionally I post a photo of a bizarre or amusing statue from around the globe. Most of the time I can provide a little history and context. This time... sorry. I have no clue. I'm guessing it's from some Norwegian country. They're known for freaky stuff like this.

Anyway, continuing on my consumer kick, here are some more links inspired by those inspired by Adam Smith. Caio!

1. Stick it to the man! ... after you buy something from him.
2. Amazon's Secret Price Guarantee
3. No Birthday would be complete without the Vulva Puppet. Now you know what I want for Christmas.
4. The 10 Best (and 10 Worst) Companies for Call Center Service.
5. It's not your Grand Pappy's pogo stick.
6. 32-Bit Technology! Only $2599! 2MB expansion board, only $799.
7. Nope, it's soap. (I really really want this for my Birthday)

BUT IT'S ON CLEARANCE

I once heard this interview on NPR with the wife of a factory worker who had just been laid off from his South Carolina textile job because the company had decided to move operations to Honduras. She was shopping in a Wal-Mart and pretty bitter about the whole situation. The interviewer asked her what she was buying and she showed him some blouses. When the interviewer asked her where the blouses were made she read the label aloud... "Honduras."

Oddly enough this revelation did not dissuade her from shopping at Wal-MArt. Instead, she said she'd continue shopping there because they were so cheap.

I take this as a sign that consumerism and common sense have nothing to do with one another. In celebration of this devil-may-care attitude about personal finances. I offer up these wondrous goods for your consideration:

1. If it was good enough for George Bush when he was a baby, it's good enough for my junior.
2. My birthday is just 4 months away and I'm sure I'll still have a runny nose.
3. Cheap and useful... turn your tub faucet into a drinking fountain.
4. A rocking chair for mutants.
5. For the computer geek who has everything.
6. Okay, my kids would love these.
7. Cool-ass magnets. Get 'em here.
8. Only the bravest crook would look for your money here.
9. For the lady in your life: the ultimate shoe rack.
10. I really want this! If someone gets it for me I'll convert any obscure 80s cassette I own into a Cd for them.

MY MOST USEFUL BLOG ENTRY EVER

The concept of customer service in this country is a joke. Customer call centers are probably the best (but far from only) example of the "shut up and give us your money" mentality of corporate America.

One of my biggest pet peeves of this 'brave new economy' is the endless succession of menu choices corporations throw at you before answering your damn question. In essence they are making you work for them. Instead of hiring an operator who will direct your call to the proper department they want you to do the job instead. Then after suffering through one choice after another you get to enjoy a 5-7 minute wait (if you're lucky). If you get disconnected, you have the pleasure of starting the whole torturous process over again.

This phone cheat website (the gethuman database) has been a godsend... for me, anyway. Skip the endless push-button selections and head straight for the customer rep (sometimes even an account manager). While covering my tracks after my recent email account theft, this site's info was invaluable, saving me countless hours of wasted time in corporate phone trees.

This is why the Internet is such a wonderful and vital tool ...and net neutrality is a must! Can you imagine corporations allowing this site to exist if access to the web was controlled by companies like AT&T, Comcast and Verizon? Not likely. Support net neutrality any way you can and punish any elected official who seeks to undermine it.

MOO

So, one cow walks up to another and says, "What do you think about this whole mad cow disease thing?"

And the other cow snorts, "What do I care. I'm a helicopter."

I remember back when I was an Animal Science major at the University Of Illinois (I once thought I'd become a vet) and for our Food Science course we had to open up a giant stopper surgically grafted to a cow's belly, reach inside their rumen and tickle the back of their throat with our gloved fingers. The cows clearly didn't like us screwing with them like that and yet they calmly accepted our low grade torment.

With that in mind, I'm putting aside all my stresses and worries and chewing some emotional cud. There's something profoundly peaceful about the watery stare of grazing cows. I'm looking for that level of zen today. Won't you join me?

1. Cows and their owners.
2. Cowscapes.
3. The secret life of moody cows.
4. Cow abductions.
5. A kinder, gentler cow pattie.
6. I, for one, welcome our new bovine masters and their bad cow puns.
7. Time wasting cow flash game.
8. When the great bovine civil war breaks out, this special weapon will ensure our victory!

People Suck

So, I discovered over the weekend that someone stole my ebay account (which I don't use very much) and from there managed to seize a hotmail account I've had for 8 years. They, of course, immediately changed the password and secret question, shutting me out of my own account. I was up til 4 AM changing passwords and contacting accounts, since the email was used for orders and sign ups. Lesson freakin' learned. The good thing is that I check this email several times a day, so they only had exclusive access for an hour or two at most. The really bad thing is not really knowing how much info I had there since I've had the account for so long. I'm using my memory to follow up with anyone who might have personal or financial info. Hotmail is, of course, free, so Microsoft is absolutely no help. Never mind ever getting access to my acount again... I can't even get them to close it down.

So, keeping this joyful event in mind, today's links are dedicated to the asshats and snapperheads who make life so much harder for everyone else. Our current administration is, of course, the poster boy for all things dickish. Read on and seethe!

1. Justice... Atlanta style!
2. Freedom of speech vs coroporate profits. You'll never guess which one wins.
3. Fly the incredibly f**dup skies. They had me at overflowig toilets...
4. Ah, yes, Michigan, where the 50s are alive and well. The 1850s that is.
5. Who's doing well in Iraq? Just two regular joes named Lockheed and Martin.
6. For you, I'll offer a special Axis of Evil discount.
7. More Michigan-style justice. Wear a ballcap to a city council meeting, get tasered.
8. $1.2 trillion and counting. I hope there is a God and he's infinitely vengeful.
9. Man fakes retardation for 20 years. Heck, Bush has got him beat by over 30 years.
10. Honor the troops... unless they're already dead. Return of soldiers' remains from Iraq apparently becoming so common they're now being mixed in with the regular luggage.

MORE HEROIC LINKS...

Not much to say today. Woke up. Worked. Felt frustrated that I didn't get enough work done at my new job. Briefly worried that they'd think they hired the wrong guy. Bought groceries for my wife's birthday dinner. Made said dinner. Ate said dinner. Kids went to bed. Wife and I watched a couple of episodes from last season's Veronica Mars (it's brilliant). Updated blog. Sleep soon. I am officially old and no fun.

1. Look, up in the sky! It's Samurai Man!
2. Inappropriate Superhero tie-ins (it's not as funny as I'd hoped)
3. Galactus Is coming! If you know who Jack Kirby and Jack Chick are, bonus points for you! One's a classic comic book writer, the other is a crackpot Christian who publishes grim little tracts about accepting Jesus or going to hell. Both make a hell of a tuna casserole (or so I've heard).
4. What happens when superheroes get old.

5. Finally, these two links ( #1... #2 ) are mucho fun. One imagines superheroes in Renaissance art. The other imagines superhero at their day jobs. Ain't Photoshop a wonderful thing?