COCK SHOT INSPIRATION

Jeff S discovered the origins of the Cock Shot parody.




Personally, I prefer the cock salad version.

WATERSHIP DOWN? NOPE. CAT SHIT ONE.


WTF?

LEAF MONKEYS ARE REALLY REALLY CUTE. WHO KNEW?

Did I mention how really cute they are?

NO LOVER OF GUNS AM I...

In fact, my discomfort with our nation's current gun laws recently got me out of jury duty (along with my knowledge of DNA).

But even I gotta admit that these photos of stuff getting blasted by a bullet are pretty damn cool.

BEST PAPERCLIP EVAH!!!

That's all I'm gonna say. Check it out here.

GERMAN SERIAL KILLER TURNS OUT TO BE BAD QUALITY CONTROL

This story is just a wee bit embarassing for the German police... especially because the French authorities figured it out. Probably while eating brie and sipping Chardonnay.

OKAY, THIS EYE FOR AN EYE THING IS BEING TAKEN TOO LITERALLY

It's the old story of a guy asks a chick to marry him, she says "no," he throws sulfuric acid at her, she takes him to court and gets permission to pour acid in his eyes.

I think the story was originally made popular on Three's Company.

Read it here if you don't believe me...

I WANT ONE BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT INCLUDES 9 JESUS CARDS

THE BEST PAUL KRUGMAN SONG I'VE EVER HEARD

See if you don't agree...

EXTREME BORDER COLLIES

Wales. Sheep. Astonishment. Three words you'd never think would go together. And yet this YouTube video proves just how true it is. Watch and smile.

CHILD-FRIENDLY CONTENT FOR A CHANGE

All I can say is "yum!"

THE WATCHMEN - SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON

Okay, this is one of those jokes that only works if you know the graphic novel or newly released movie.

THE GIRL WITH THE EPILEPTIC DOG

Brabbra vs Barbara. Brilliant. Funny. Catchy.

NATURE IS FUNNY

Baby Panda sneezes. Cracks me up every time.

DAVID LETTERMAN IS STILL THE SHIT

I used to religiously watch David Letterman in college, when he was on NBC. Before Jay Leno screwed him out of the Tonight Show. Four nights a week I'd take a break from my studies (when I wasn't working) and I'd laugh my ass off at whatever ridiculous or ego-deflating move Dave would pull on his show. I remember when Cher called him an asshole and he brilliantly, and cleverly, put her in her place. I remember when Stevie Nicks' people sent him a threatening letter not to mention her on his show and then he spent weeks mocking her. Letterman has a mean streak once you cross him and he isn't afraid to let you have it.

I haven't seen much of the show for the last decade or so. Occassional clips here and there. I think I've only seen one or two full episodes. But if you watch this clip, it's clear Dave still has it.
Joaquin Phoenix acts like a pretentious asshole and Letterman plays along for about 2 minutes before he starts to openly mock him (round about the 'unibomber' line).

If someone screws around with Dave's show --Letterman clearly hates actors and actresses who act like they're too good to be there-- he has no problem bitch slapping them but good. And the truth is, you're a fool if you think you can get the upper hand on the dude. I've seen him effortlessly put Bill O'Reilly in his place.

Or was the whole things a put on? An Andy Kaufman moment. You decide.

Watch and laugh...

AN HONEST, FABULOUS COMMERCIAL YOU MUST WATCH

If Trader Joes has any sense they'll pay this guy to make their ads immediately. Wonderful, funny, accurate and oh-so true (he had me with the yoga mom and braided penis lines). Watch and nod your head in agreement. Plus Waters Of March Agua De Marca is one of my favorite songs.

EVERY SOPRANOS SWEAR WORD FROM EVERY EPISODE

It's like a beautiful orchestra of profanity.



the sopranos, uncensored. from victor solomon on Vimeo.

IT NEVER ENDS, RUN OUT AND PICK ONE UP NOW!

Our consumer culture in a nutshell. Brilliant!



Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

THE WORST FOOD IN AMERICA

This is pretty shocking stuff. I can't believe people eat this crap. I'm ashamed to say I've eaten one item on the Top 20 Worst Foods In America. Although, I haven't had pizza at Pizzaria Uno in like 20 years. And I think I've only ever been there twice.

Baskin Robbins Large Chocolate Oreo Shake2,600 calories135 g fat (59 g saturated fat, 2.5 g trans fats)263 g sugars1,700 mg sodium. We didn't think anything could be worse than Baskin Robbins' 2008 bombshell, the Heath Bar Shake. After all, it had more sugar (266 grams) than 20 bowls of Froot Loops, more calories (2,310) than 11 actual Heath Bars, and more ingredients (73) than you'll find in most chemist labs.

Rather than coming to their senses and removing it from the menu, they did themselves one worse and introduced this caloric catastrophe. It's soiled with more than a day's worth of calories and three days worth of saturated fat, and, worst of all, usually takes less than 10 minutes to sip through a straw.

Christian Bale Takes David To The Dentist

Two great tastes that taste great together...

SOMETIMES SOMETHING COOL HAPPENS


God, I love this.

My favorite part is the posts from Macomb, MI readers.

jim wrote on Feb 4, 2009 3:28 PM:
" so what the hell does this have to do with macomb county and it's problems? "

Night of the Living Dead wrote on Feb 4, 2009 3:32 PM:
" That's the point. If you think we have problems now, just wait'll the zombies get here.... "

TIME LAPSE VIDEO OF 9 MONTH OLD

ONE OF THOSE IDEAS I WISH I HAD COME UP WITH...

Old Jews Telling Jokes. I can think of a dozen people I could recruit.

Check 'em out.

Joe The Plumber gets bitch slapped on CNN

Amen, Rick Sanchez. He over does the "you know that guy" bit but otherwise he's dead on, man.

CAT VS TECHNOLOGY

The funny thing is... this is exactly how I try to fix my printer when it has problems...

GET IT ON

I have nothing to say other than this made me laugh. It didn't get me to buy condoms though.

OUR ELECTORAL SYSTEM - AN INTELLIGENT DEBATE

To be honest... this doesn't seem all that different from the 'serious' cable news coverage of complex issues. Substitute Ann Coulter and Paul Begala and the effect is the same.

I fear for our future.

EXECUTIVE KOALA

I have no idea what they're saying but I'm dying to know.

From what I understand the plot involves a 6-foot tall talking koala who is an executive at a pickle manufacturing plant. Charming with the ladies and oh-so furry he may also be a brutal killer. Or so his boss, a white rabbit begons to suspect.

This movie looks unreal.... in that way that only Japanese movies can be.

RICARDO MONTALBAN R.I.P.

Khan! While he's best known for his iconic villian in Star Trek: Wrath Of Khan (still the best of the Trek films) and the amiable wish-granter Mr. Roarke in Fantasy Island (not to mention his Cordoba commercials), Montalban masterfully played the latin lover in many a Hollywood studio film in the 30s and 40s. He was 88 when he died.

The man not only had a lush and sonorous voice, everything about him exuded class and sophistication. He was also a helluva dancer.

Check him out in this version of La Bamba. Just wonderful!

PATRICK McGOOHAN R.I.P.

For those of you who have seen The Prisoner or The Secret Agent no other explanation is necessary. He will be missed.

For those of you who only know him from Bravehear as the ruthless King Longshanks, go to AMC's site and watch a few episodes of the brilliant and bizarre The Prisoner, a show he not only starred in but helped to create. I'm not ashamed to say that I have no idea what his final episode is trying to say.

His annunciation was to die for (see his villian in Silver Streak) and he always brought a bit of macabre class to the episodes of Columbo that he appeared in.

Here's a taste:

HOW ROBOTS EVOLVE

Dang those German's have cool commercials!

DEATH BY BLACK HOLE

...or spaghettification. Entertaining, fascinating, horrible.

Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson may well be the most entertaining astrophysicist I've ever listened to. Admittedly that sample size is shockingly small.

ONLY IN FLORIDA

The blessed place of my birth. For some reason after I left all the freaks moved in. And then they got George Bush installed as President. Man, I hate that place.

1. Woman arrested for hitting self with frying pan. Huh? (with mugshot goodness)
2. "Please close your legs, sir." Man arrested for Xmas peep show.
3. Oh, the shoe-manity!
4. For thosetimes when you want to send the right message may I suggest urine?
5. She says: I was fired 'cuz I said Merry Christmas. He says: She was fired because she's a crazy bitch.

Of course, in Oregon, where I lived for nearly a decade, the locals are mad of sterner stuff. Case in point, this headline:

"Oregon woman, 88, fends off naked intruder by grabbing the man's crotch and squeezing."

Man, I miss Portland.

WHY I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SENATOR AL FRANKEN

I only hope public office doesn't turn him into an earnest dullard.

God, Bill O'Reilly must just be going bananas that his Number Two nemesis just got elected to the Senate. Now, if only Keith Olbermann would run for something.

WHAT WE NEED IS MORE RUDE SIGNS, NOT LESS

When I lived in Seattle --and I know this is totally childish-- I used to giggle uncontrollably every time I passed the I-5 Freeway sign indicating the exit to Nooksack, WA. Inevitably I'd say something like, "I once got kicked in the nooksack. Man did that hurt." My buddy Jeff S would almost balways laugh. It's proof positive that dick and fart jokes never lose their potency for men.

Anyway, my drive from Vancouver BC to Seattle would have so much less fun had some idiot moralist decided that the Nooksack sign had to go because it might offend someone. What would the world be without Cracknuts Lane or Cockburn Road? (Ooo, that's gotta hurt!)

Let's hope that no one reads about this wee bit o' English madness and starts getting ideas.

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GAY APPLIANCES

"Double ended male "adapters" are illegal, dangerous, a fire hazard, and possible [sic]immoral. If you have need of this "adapter" you have hung a string of lights backwards."

Bet you didn't know that plug adapters could be, well, limp wristed. If they had a wrist. Which they don't. But they are still, quite obviously, sinful. Dirty, filthy adapters that pervert our electrical system.

This sign spotted in an ACE Hardware. I love that the manager felt the need to illustrate his point.

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LOVE IT!

Now this is a kid's show!

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL FOR A CHANGE



túrána hott kurdís by hasta la otra méxico! from Till Credner on Vimeo.

IF YOU'RE MUSLIM AND YOU TALK ABOUT ENGINES - YOU'RE A TERRORIST

Just like the guy with gloves who dropped off his mail at the post office too hastily.

Read about the villains here.
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YEAH, WE'RE THAT PATHETIC

Guy owes 5 cents to the IRS. Really. Then is gets weirder. Read about it here.

Good think they're expending their resources so wisely.
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WEARING GLOVES AND DROPPING OFF MAIL = TERRORISM

Obviously.

Are we really this pathetic?
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MINNESOTA'S NEXT SENATOR?

Looks pretty likely that Al Franken will get the voter's nod, winning by 200 odd votes. Thank goodness. Norm Coleman is a major sleazebag who needed to be bitch slapped out of office. He's the exact kind of political weasel that just makes my head veins pop.

Plus, I just like the idea of a senator who once did something like this...

SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA CALL 'EM LIKE YOU SEE 'EM

IF MOS DEF WERE PRESIDENT

America would be cool again.

He's got my vote. Plus I love his music and dig his movies. And his tax plan is the shit!

LEMON JELLY

Is a UK band that does wonderful instrumentals that create lush, entertaining and unexpected sonic landscapes. I love to write to their albums. This video does a good job of capturing the span of their music.

Enjoy!


LEMON JELLY Spacewalk from Mario Cavalli on Vimeo.

BLEED THE WORLD

Clever.

FREE RANGE STRAUSS

The bliss continues...

AN ODE TO JOY

Pure bliss!

FOR THE STAR WARS FAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING

Doesn't this new concept car, the Nissan Cube, totally look like a Clone Trooper helmet? I find your lack of faith disturbing.

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SARAH PALIN WOULD FEEL RIGHT AT HOME

When book burning draws too much attention, why not just tear out the 'naughty bits' from library books? Students at New Rochelle School High School discovered that library books have had chunks torn out of books like Girl Interrupted by the school district. After the all, the last thing these educators would want is for students to actually think for themselves.

Why is this country so fucked up?

Read about it here.



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I HATE WHEN THEY REFUSE TO DISTRIBUTE BACON SUPPOSITORIES


Brilliant oldie from the Daily Show that features a very sane Rod Blagojevich. Who'd of thought he was a corrupt SOB who should be run out of office and tarred & feathered?

Is anyone as disturbed by that phramacist as I am?

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Pill of Rights

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN WAITING...

...for a good Nazi zombie movie?

Don't know if it's good but Dead Snow has the other two bases covered. Can't wait!

FULL METAL RUDOLPH

A new Christmas classic!

OBAMA - MCCAIN DANCE OFF!

PARROTING DOOM

This video is not only incredible, it's also pretty depressing to contemplate. Watch it and marvel at the natural world while contemplating man's incredible ability to screw up what's so special about thsi planet.



Thanks JeffS!

PROP 8 - THE MUSICAL

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

CLAP!

NUNCHUKS VS. PING PONG PADDLES

Nunchuks win every time... if you're Bruce Lee.

Amazing!

YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP THE REST OF THE B#%TCHES

Guaranteed to put your ass in traction. No other explanation needed.

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP

Sarah Palin 'pardons' a turkey as part of a Thanksgiving Day media event ...then proceeds to chat with reporters as less worthy turkeys are brutally slaughtered behind her.

Oddly enough, it reminds me of that moment in the debates when she completely ignored Joe Biden's story about his losing his wife and child in a car crash.

CAN I HAVE MY SPIDER BACK?

I stole this from someone on a discussion board who stole this from yet another discussion board.

I love it so very much. Almost as much as the chickens. I hope you will too.

IF THE ROLLING STONES NEVER GOT FURTHER THAN CABLE ACCESS

My buddy Jeff S sent me this video which he descibes as horrible and wonderful at the same time. I couldn't agree more.

I laughed.
I cringed.
It became a part of me.

JASMINE'S FOR FAILURES

Now, I know what I've been doing wrong when it comes to style!

BREAK IT UP!

Chickens enforce barnyard peace before things get ugly.

And there's nothing uglier than a full on rabbit gang war.



Animal videos

MILITARY CREATES REAL-LIFE HAPPY FUN BALL

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!

Fun for terrorists of all ages!

Read about it here.

And Speaking Of Barbies...

Check out this artist who crafts creepy jewelry out of Barbie dolls. What's that mother? You want me to kill the harlot staying in Room 108?

No one can be held responsible for their actions at a Moody Blues concert

Did Cindy McCain cheat on her cheatin' hubby? Did this sad, drug addled beer heiress seek the tender attentions of a man who was not her husband? The National Enquirer is on the case!

Say it ain't so, Cindy! What's next? Sarah Palin sleeping with her hsuband's business partner? Oop. Already happened. Okay, so I'm waiting for the story about her getting it on with Joe The Plumber. Or maybe a moose. You betcha!

YOU WILL PAY THE PRICE FOR YOUR LACK OF VISION

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

ARE YOU FIRED UP?

This is totally why I'm voting for this guy.

WOMAN MOST LIKELY TO GET A BAG OF FLAMING POO ON HER DOORSTEP

It's rare that you get to see a real witch on Halloween.

This one lives in Grosse Pointe Farms, about 45 miles from my home.

Watch...

JACK CHICK FINALLY GOES BIG

If you don't know who Jack Chick is, he's a a California-based cartoonist who draws comic tracts that espouse Protestant evangelism.

You know, fire & brimstone-you're-going-to-hell-because-you-masturbated kinda stuff. Probably a lot like the stuff Sarah Palin's church pushes. (You knew I'd find a way to dis her in this post, didn't you?)

And now he's got an animated cartoon for my fave, Somebody Goofed.

I, for one, can't wait for the Christmas variety special.

SARAH PALIN PUNKED!

Some say Palin didn't deserve this. I say, if you cant handle a couple of radio pranksters from Montreal how in the world are you going to handle Al Quaeda?

Of course, all French do sound the same.

Listen and savor the mockery... (loved her response to "I loved the documentary about your life, Nailin' Palin")

GOOD CAMPAIGN AD

...pass it on!

Especially to family and frineds who are on the fence about who they're going to vote for.

Really.

OPIE / RICHIE CUNNINGHAM ENDORSES OBAMA

...and so does Andy Griffith and the Fonz. Really.

See it for yourself.

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

THE POSTER THAT INSPIRED A NATION ... OF POSTERS

You all recognize Shepard Fairey's Obama campaign poster (first printings now selling on EBay for $10, 000), yes?

Well, it's inspired an avalanche of outakes, spoofs, political comment and naked racism. Here's a gallery.

Some are brilliant. Some are appalling. Some made me laugh so hard milk spurted out of my nose.

Still, it's fascinating to see how people riff on pop culture at the speed of light.

Here are a few of my faves...

Dallas Breaks Beach Ball World Record

The video for this is too cool. Who'd a thunk Dallas, Texas could do anything this cool?

Read and watch it here.

IS SARAH PALIN PULLING FOR OBAMA?

I guess when you spend $150, 000 on wardrobe you don't have time to think about what it is you're actually wearing. (check the scarf)

Local blogger Mark Maynard says, "I suspect there’s a gay salesperson at Saks laughing his ass off right now."

Go Dems!

WASSUP!

"Wassup" was one of the most annoying commercial ideas from 2000. Thank you Budweiser. Don't know what I'm talking about. Watch this. Or read about it here.

Now, what makes the video you're about to watch (below) so brilliant is how the filmmakers reunited the cast to make a pointed political statement.

I love the creativity that has come --directly & indirectly-- with Obama's campaign.

BROCCOLI, YUM! ESPECIALLY THE LITTLE HUMAN HEADS

So, Jeff S sent me this blog link where a pair of foodies --Bread And Honey-- discovered an odd detail about the packaging for Cascadian Farm's frozen broccoli....

...little human faces. Yup.

Now, if I were tripping on acid and noticed this it'd totally freak me out.

SARAH PALIN, SMART PEOPLE ARE THE ENEMY

These two articles make a good case for Palin's suspicion and resentment of anyone who might be smarter than her.... which is a whole heckuva lot of people. Let's not forget it took her 6 years in 5 colleges to finally get a Bachelor's degree in Sports Journalism from Idaho State.

But in Sarah's world that's the same as Barack Obama graduating top of his class at Harvard Law, being the first African-American to head up Harvard's Law Review and his subsequent years teaching Constitutional Law. After being raised by a single mom on food stamps.

Anywho, The New Republic has a terrific article called "Barracuda" that offers an eye-opening profile.

Here's an excerpt:

In 1996, Palin was also asserting herself more and more. For example, she'd demand to know why Stein, the mayor, had "raised the budget." Stein and Carney tried to explain that he'd done nothing of the kind--that, when a city grows, businesses collect more in tax revenue, but that new residents also increase demand for public services. Palin wasn't appeased. She'd say things like, "'Oh, okay. Well, that's the way you think about it,'" Stein recalls. "I was thinking--these are things she should know better. Why is she asking me these stupid questions?"

Carney saw ulterior motives. During a break one evening, he stopped Palin as she was heading to the restroom. "Sarah, it sounds like you're running for mayor," he said, half-joking. Palin turned red and became visibly upset. "What makes you say that? I never said I was running for mayor." "You never denied it, " Carney responded. Palin just repeated herself and stomped off.

Within a few months, Palin was officially challenging Stein and exploiting the cultural shift masterfully. She welcomed a national anti-abortion group in to carpet bomb Wasilla with pink postcards affirming her pro-life bona fides. She orchestrated an NRA endorsement and a mailing from the group falsely proclaiming Stein, a lifelong hunter, "anti-gun." (Stein complained to the local newspaper that Palin was telling voters he wanted to "melt down" all the firearms in the state.) And, in a move practically out of
Karl Rove's playbook, she dwelled on how Stein's wife used her maiden name, going so far as to demand a marriage certificate as proof of their nuptials. Palin's campaign literature proclaimed her "deeply devoted to conservative family values"--all in the context of an ostensibly nonpartisan election. (Stein himself was a moderate Republican.)

And then there's Andrew Sullivan's observation that:

Here's one way to look at the question: how has Palin brought up her own kids? Her eldest son is a high-school drop-out. Her eldest daughter has had, so far as one can tell from press reports, very uneven attendance in high school, and no plans for college. Her other daughters seem to spend a lot of time traveling the country with their mom at tax-payers' expense. I've seen them at several rallies with the Palins this fall. Are they not in school?

The least one can say is that none of her children seems to have been brought up thinking that college is something to aspire to. And her new son-in-law just dropped out of high school as well.

What makes people think this woman should be allowed anywhere near the White House? She's the Tanya Harding of politics. Except instead of working her ass off relentlessly to become a world class skater only to throw it all away by stabbing a teammate in the back, Palin skipped straight to the backstabbing part.

Look, I can sorta understand why Budweiser dudes want to bang her. She's got that naughty librarian thing going on. Go ahead, bang the hell out of her. Just don't vote for her.

P.S. It astounds me that Sarh Palin claims she's just like "small town" folks yet spends $150K in two short months on clothes for her campaign. That's as much as the average American makes in 4 years. Explain to me how she's just like Joe Six Pack?

MAN, I LOVE DAVID SEDARIS

He has a brilliant essay in The New Yorker that scorches the so-called undecided, those who just can't decide between Barack Obama or John McCain. A frined thinks it's really white people who don't want to admit that they'd never vote for a black man. Lord, I hope that ain't so.

Sedaris has a better line of reasoning. Here's a taste...

I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

Read the rest here.

McCAIN GETS KEY ENDORSEMENT

...from Al-Qaeda.
Along with 'real America' of course.
Read about it here.

Supposedly, the McCain campaign is totally freaking out.
Read about that here.

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WHAT THE PFUCK?

McCain's main spokesperson, NancyPfotenhauer, struggles to defend Sarah Palin's ignorance about the job she's running for. Contrary to the State of Alaska's CEO's explanation, the VP does NOT "get in there and work with the Senate to make policy". They only cast a vote if there is a tie.

That's it.

And they need to be ready to step in should the Prez be unable to fulfill the duties of his office.

Palin's been fearmongering...er... running alongside McCain for more than six weeks. Hasn't anyone given her a job desciption yet?

IT WAS INEVITABLE

Hustler is to release "Nailin’ Paylin." What's it about? Well, what do you think it's about. Truth be told, I'd rather guys buy this video than vote for that imbecilic freak.

...Jerry T. is set to direct, and porn star Lisa Ann will be taking on the role of Palin—er, “Paylin.” According to HUSTLER, “Nailin’ Paylin” is a “naughty adventure to the wild side of that sexy Alaska governor,” featuring “girl-on-girl lovin’,” “nailing the Russians, who come knocking on her back-door,” and a younger Palin getting seduced by her creationist college professor who “will explain a ‘big bang’ theory even she can’t deny!” Also included: a three-way hardcore sex scene starring porn stars as Palin/Paylin, Hillary Clinton, and Condoleezza Rice. Of course, no political porn satire would be complete without a salute to Fox News—a Bill O’Reilly stand-in will announce the movie’s multiple sex scandals as they unfold.

Here's a taste of the script:

(Open on the PALIN residence, Wasilla, Alaska. Evening. Governor SARAH PALIN is sitting on the couch, reading "all of the magazines." She is wearing a satin negligee and bunny slippers. Her luxurious brown hair is in a bun. Her glasses rest just so on the bridge of her nose. TODD is out of town on business. TRIGG is peacefully asleep upstairs. There is a firm knock at the door. PALIN puts down her reading material and goes to answer it.)

PALIN: Who is it?
GRUFF MALE VOICE: It's JOE, the tanning-bed repairman.

(PALIN unlocks the door and opens it)

PALIN: Hiya! You were supposed to be here two hours ago, doncha know?
JOE: I'm sorry. My snowmobile broke down outside of Matunska. I had to walk the rest of the way.
PALIN: Well, you're in luck. I just baked a batch of chocolate-chip cookies. Why don't you come inside and I'll fix you a plate of 'em?

(JOE obliges. He takes a seat on the couch. PALIN enters the kitchen and returns shortly after with the cookies. She gives them to JOE, but not before looking him up and down.)

PALIN: My oh my. That's quite a toolbelt you have on. It looks heavy.
JOE: I have a big hammer.
PALIN: Oh, I betcha do. I love a big hammer. But I love screwdrivers, too! And wrenches. The fact is I love and respect all of America's diverse tools, big and small. They're what helps make us so great as a nation. Here, let me take that off for ya.

(PALIN takes a seat on the coach beside JOE and starts to undo his belt. He stops her.)

JOE: Let's go take a look at the tanning bed first.
PALIN: Oooh, okay.

(PALIN leads JOE to the tanning salon in the basement. JOE carefully inspects the machine.)

JOE: Looks like there are just a bunch of screws loose.
PALIN: (seductively) You're in luck. I fully support off-shore and on-shore drilling.

(PALIN pounces on JOE and throws him onto the top of the tanning bed. She quickly rips off his jeans.)

PALIN: God almighty! You are hung like a moose. Now I have to eat ya!
JOE: I'm bigger than a moose. Do you have any contraceptives?
PALIN: It's okay. I already took a morning-after pill.
JOE: Um, are you sure it works that way?
PALIN: Are you asking me if I know what a morning-after pill is? Because I totally do! I'll get back to ya with specifics.

(The two proceed to make furious love in a multitude of positions. PALIN amply demonstrates that she has enough experience.)

PALIN: Fuck me harder! HARDER! Pound me until my head is so empty that I can't even remember the name of the one Supreme Court case I actually know! I want it to burn. Burn like a banned book. Oh God, Oh God, OH MY GOD! MAKE ME SEE RUSSIA FROM HERE!

THE GOOD WILL THAT ELECTION SEASON BRINGS

With all this talk about the Pro-American and Real American regions in our country why is it always Republican supporters who commit acts of violence and vandalism, and say the most awful things? Funny that. I guess that's just the way 'real Americans' express their patriotism.

Here are a few heart warming tales from the front...

1- Voting machines malfunctioning. Who woulda guessed? Explanation... the machines have problems with humidity. Good thing they're in a state like Florida, huh?

2- Obama sign replaced with a Confederate flag. Stay classy, Chester, Virginia!

3- Chicago Tribune endorses first Democrat for President. Ever.

4- Sarah Palin unable to correctly answer a third grader's question: What does the Vice President do? Apparently no one's told her yet.

5- RNC spends $150K on Palin's campaign wardrobe. Now there's someone who understands the plight of people struggling on a middle class income!

6- Guy in Ohio lynches Obama in effigy. Stay classy, Mike Lundsford!

7- Al Jazeera interviews Palin supporters. You don't see this on CNN.



8- So, who attends a Sarah Palin rally? Watch the video to witness how real Americans act. Don't you just love the guy who thinks Obama is a monkey? I think I just threw up in my mouth.




9- Finally, just who are the 15% of Americans who think the country is on the right track.

YES WE CARVE!

CAN YOU SPELL "IRONY"

'nuff said. Read all about it here.


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THE EVER-DEPENDABLE JACK CHICK...

...takes on all those Jesus-haters who think Halloween is cool. Well, actually, just the vampires.

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FUNNY... AND OH-SO TRUE

I'm not the biggest Family Guy fan (I always preferred The Simpsons) but I just may have to give the show another chance.

Plus, who knew Nazis loved caricatures so much?

Love the laser blast.

CREEPY... BUT BEAUTIFUL

Dave Bullock is a Los Angeles photographer with really impressive credentials. He takes amazing photos of industrial landscapes. Imagine what he could do here in Detroit!

SCARE THE HELL OUT OF YOUR FRIENDS

Show up at your liberal friend's Halloween costume party in one of these and you're guaranteed to make them pee their pants.

Make children cry, animals cower under furniture and the unAmerican parts of America quake in fear.

Free downloads of these mask are available right here. Get 'em while the getting's good!

THIS GUY IS AMAZING

All Hallow's Eve is coming.

I linked to this guy in my blog last year but he's so damn good I had to do it again.

It kinda makes my badly hewn triangular eyes, nose and mouth jack-o-lanterns look pretty pathetic.

Good thing I use real human heads.

JOHN CLEESE WEIGHS IN ON SARAH PALIN

I think he's too kind.

CIRCUMSUPERSIZED

Go to Florida and convince you grandparents to vote for Obama.

Jeff S, you can just work on your Mom. Failing that, confuse her about the election date. Seriously.

GOT A QUESTION FOR SARAH PALIN?

Like why she thought it was okay to charge rape victims for their own rape kits? Or maybe, how we should evaluate "Alaska's CEO" (her quote) after leaving her former hometown $20 million in debt after serving as mayor (it had a $5 million surplus when she took office)? Or whether she thinks dinosaurs and man roamed the Earth together six thousand years ago?

The California Democratic Party came up with a brilliant way to ask Sarah Palin all those questions her faithful might forget to ask at a rally in LA on Saturday. They rented a giant electronic billboard and placed it across the street from the election stop, posting questions for Wasilla's most famous citizen.

The questions are submitted via text message or by going to this site and entering your own.

Live streaming video by Ustream

Don't you love technology?

If the video embed doesn't work go directly to the site.

SEINFELD CIRCA 1972

My friends, this makes me laugh.