BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I ROCK & ROLLED

As an editor I always hate when my writers give me an excuse for why they blew their deadline. I'm sure there are many legitimate reasons for why they couldn't deliver on their professional promise but the truth is, I don't want to hear 'em. I just want the work in when it's due because if it's not it means more work for me.

So, I'm not going to offer up any lame excuses for my absence these past two weeks... except to say, "it's all George Bush's fault." I mean, he's screwing up everything else in this country (and a few others to boot) so why not my blog? That son-of-a-bitch has always had it out for me.

Anyway, to properly express my depression and rage I offer up this brilliant distillation of pain and suffering.

I always knew it wasn't easy being green but I had no idea how much it Hurt.

FAUX NEWS

1. Biting the hand that feeds...






2. Even in another language the humor still comes through.
3. Cheney gets loaded and unloads on his buddy.
4. Colbert vs O'Reilly




5. Jon Stewart on The O'Reilly

BULLSH%T!

So, Penn & Teller have this series on Showtime where they go around debunking notions of 'common wisdom' and self-righteous positioning. Occassionally, they just smash on stuff they think is just plain stupid, like near-death visions, etc. Even if you bristle at their forays into liberal cause bashing (getting hippies to sign a petition banning water is particularly amusing) the show is informative and entertaining as hell. Here are a few choice segments...




PETA unmasked...





The Drug War (pt1)




pt 2, pt 3

THE MEDIA AMINS




DON'T BE NIT-PICKY




AH, WHEN CHILDREN'S SHOWS WERE FREE OF SEXUAL INNUENDO

"...like a bunch of commies high on potato juice."

Okay, this is pretty cool. Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter have developed a new sitcom for NBC about a straight-laced accountant who accidentally falls into the seedy underworld of private investigation. Now, I've always been a fan of Richter, ever since he used to perform in the Brady Show at Chicago's Annoyance Theater many years ago. He was Conan's side-kick for many years and a damn funny guy who's never quite gotten his due. FOX gave him a show a few years back and I'll never forget the episode where he finally gets the really hot chick at work to date him only to find out she's a rabid Anti-Semite.

Anyway, NBC has put up the first six episodes on the web for your viewing pleasure. I watched the first two and though it takes a little while to find its rhythm I found myself laughing out loud a more than a few times. I was also impressed by the cleverness of the scripts. It really makes the most of its 22 minutes. Check it out.

http://www.nbc.com/Video/rewind/full_episodes/andybarker.shtml?show=andybarker01

VADERAMA!

God, I was such a Star Wars geek as a kid. The film opened when I was 12, only days after my birthday, and I spent half the summer blowing my allowance on screenings (13 times in two and a half months) and action figures. About 10 years ago my sister sold off all my original (and pristine) Star Wars toys at a garage sale for pennies on the dollar. It still hurts my stomach to think of the thousands of dollars I could have put toward something like, oh I don't know, my kid's college education. I picture the comic book store owner from The Simpsons drooling over the 10 cent per figure box and then haggling my sister down to $5 for the entire collection. Here are just a few of the items I had (some in their boxes)... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. That's nearly $1200... and I'm ashamed I had a whole helluva lot more.

Anyway, I recently watched the first movie with my (almost) five year old son, Nate, and while he loved it, I found the first half pretty draggy. Once they got on board the Deathstar, however, the film was a real blast.

The trilogy of prequels that Lucas put out over the past decade can only be described as unadulterated crap. Comedian Brian Posehn compared Phantom Menace to being molested by your uncle while you're an adult. I couldn't agree more (wish I could find a clip).

Anyway, in celebration of the ultimate asthmatic villain rustedeye offers up these delectable Darth links:

1. Darth is a dick.


2. Japanese Darth Vader comedy sketch


3. Tom Cruise IS the evil Emporer


4. Jimmy Fallon as Anakin Skywalker (aka Darth Vader)


5. My favorite Vader parody (a repeat)


6. The Vader Sessions

THIS WEEK'S FUNNIES

After all these years Letterman still manages to be funny and relevant.




...and more from the ever-reliable Jon Stewart

LIFE IS JUST A BUNCH OF RANDOM
STUFF THAT HAPPENS

...and so are today's links. Enjoy!

1. The history of condoms... but you'll have to ask the guy behind the counter.



2. Buckingham Palace Marching Band plays Darth Vader's theme.



3. How well do you know Europe? Post your scores in the comment section. I got a 79.



4. Amazing photos of Easter Island.



5. The State Of The Union Address and 71 year-old John McCain is there!



6. Karate chop for Christ!



7. Terrorist sympathizer Andy Griffith rails against Patriot Act.



8. The Biology of B-Movie Monsters.



9. Polly wants to know why you're so stupid.



10. Amish Heat.

JACK BAUER: TORTURER, PSYCHOPATH, OR PATRIOT?

A few months back I wrote about neocons affection for shows like Battlestar Galactica and 24. With this season's BG making it abundantly clear the show's creators are no fans of the Bush Administration's policies (heck, they all but announce that the evil-robotic Cylons are stand-ins for the US), wingnuts cling to the violent flag-waving wet dream of 24 for dear life.

Now, I'm actually a fan of 24. It's breathtaking pace, twisty cliffhangers and quadruple-cross betrayals are endlessly entertaining. That said, this month's New Yorker makes me feel awfully guilty about watching the show.

Today's rustedeye is dedicated to the punch-him-in-the-throat antics of Jack Bauer.

1. Whatever It Takes


2. Life imitates art... unfortunately.


3. Jack vs The Goonies
   
4. 24... Hour Pizza Delivery
5. Damn It!
6. Jack played this as a kid

PIRATES & EMPORERS

Noam Chomsky meets Schoolhouse Rock. Check out their site.



(2) ...speaking of Noam Chomsky, here is the definitive interview.

(3) The Simpsons meets Schoolhouse Rock

THE WEEK IN FUNNY
FEB 19-25, 2007

ALL WE ARE SAYING IS, GIVE FAILURE A CHANCE

“Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people

by the people for the people.”

-Oscar Wilde

Last summer I ran for city council here in Ann Arbor. Campaigning against 2 longtime, well-connected residents and spending the princely sum of $700, it was a longshot that I'd get elected. Indeed, I lost. But by only 150 votes. In the precincts where I campaigned, I had done surprisingly well. If I had had another 2-3 weeks I think I could have won the thing,

Since then I have become a vice chair in the city's Democratic party and a member of the cable commission. I've always been a bit of a political wonk and armchair quarterback, now, I'm in the game... albeit as a bench warmer.

Today's links are in celebration of my new found hobby, curse or calling... depending on whom you speak with. Unfortunately, there's nothing to really celebrate in these post, unless throwing up in your mouth is a cause to party.

1. Bush to nominate anti-safety regulation lobbyist to head Consumer Product Safety Commission. Infant seats to now include saddle gas tanks.


2. John McCain in less than 3 minutes.


3. Fun Facts! Seven state constitutions require a belief in God in order to hold public office. Does the Flying Spaghetti Monster count?


4. Michigan treasurer falls for nigerian scam.


5. Heavy metal lunchboxes


6. Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress


7. Another upstanding member of Congress.And when I say member, I mean dick.


8. Lest you think all scumbag lobbyists are Republicans...


9. Molly did not HEART Hillary. (RIP, we'll miss you, Molly)


10. The real Joh McCain: here, and here. The real Rudy.

"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation’s history. It’s the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face... which could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration has done."

---Jimmy Kimmel

THE WEEK IN FUNNY

It's been cold as hell in Michigan this winter. There have been more subzero days than I care to remember. You know it's bad when you're thankful for the days that break 20 degrees.

The forecast for this week, however, predicts a steady climb into the 40s. Luxury.

Must get back to work.

Enjoy these amusing video diversions...
1. Letterman gets feisty.
2. Steven Colbert's Know A District.
3. Sex Ed Colbert-style....

THE LIFE OF A FILM CRITIC

So, one of the annoying things about the big studios is that they don't trust reviewers... no matter how long we've been at it. I've been regularly writing about for film for nearly three years and in all that time I have never posted a film on the Internet or sold second generation copies on a street corner for $5.

Still, there are those studios who refuse to trust me... and in realy petty ways. Case in point, the Oscar shorts. Of the 10 films nominated in the shorts categories, I was sent screeners for 8. The missing two? Blue Sky's (Ice Age, Robots) No Time For Nuts and Pixar's Lifted. They sponsored by big corporations who believe we're all a bunch of sneak thieves, waiting to sell our copies to the highest bidder. So, I'm expected to write a review about the shorts program minus the two high profile nominees... which is, arguably, what most people want to see.

So, I did what any good writer would do... sought out the story on my own. Surfing the web, I found three different sites carrying the Blue Sky short. I was able to include it in my piece. Pixar, however, has tighter control of its content and all I could find was a 20 second clip.

It's all so paranoid and stupid. If they studios are so worried that critics will bootleg their 5 minute masterpieces why not just give us a password secured site to watch a streaming clip on?

So, out of spite, here are the three sites carrying No Time For Nuts. It's actually a pretty amusing short featuring Ice Age's prehistoric squirrel, Scrat. The frantic style and humor reminds me of Tex Avery's work with Loony Tunes. The image isn't nearly as crisp and shiny as the sanctioned version, but it's still a hoot. Enjoy!



another link
http://www.cartoonland.de/archiv/scrat-no-time-for-nuts/

If you're interested in some of the other selections. The Maestro, which is quite good, can be found here or here. Or below...




My favorite was The Little Matchstick Girl, adapted from the Hans Christian Anderson story. It's beautiful and heart rending at the same time. The best thing Disney has done in years. It's not on the Net but if you have the recent special edition of The Little Mermaid, it's an extra.

The best of the live action shorts was an Aussie film entitled Saviour. I haven't yet found it on the web (it was yanked from YouTube) but if I do I'll post it here.

MOVIES

Just got back from a screening of Ghost Rider. I hate when the studios screen a film the night before it opens. I was actually assigned to it and Breach but because they both screened tonight Breach went to another reviewer. Lucky bastard. Ghost Rider is a pile of steaming crap. It's jard to believe that Nicholas Cage once won the Oscar for best actor. His performance in this film is laughably bad. What a monumental waste of time, money and talent.

In general, it's been a bad week for films. Last night I watched all the short live action and animated films nominated for an Oscar this year. While the animated selections were delightful, the live action shorts were profoundly underwhelming. The worst, West Bank Story, will probably walk away with the statue. It's crap. A Jews vs. Palestinians spoof of West Side Story. The best, Saviour, was a wicked comic piece about a young door-to-door missionary being led astray by an Australian housewife.

I was scheduled to see Breaking & Entering as well but had childcare issues, so.... Still up, a documentary about photographers of the Cuban revolution. It's gonna be a long night.

But just because I have to watch a bunch of bad movies doesn't mean you have to. Here a bunch of short films that are worth your precious time. Or not. Maybe I want you to suffer like me. Click and find out.

1. Jack Bauer vs. Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
2. Osama Team Hunger Force (damn funny stuff)
3. Today's recipe: Roast Beatbox
4. Learn something. How marbles are made.
5. The Citizen Kane of Hot Wheels road racing movies.

"Love Ain't Nothing but Sex Misspelled"
-Harlan Ellison

1. Valentines is bad for your health.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
-Rita Rudner

2. Amazon's bad gift ideas for valentines day. My favorites are: All About Scabs and Tapeworms: A Medical Dictionary.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
-Matt Groening

3. A wedding photo you'll never forget.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
-Samuel Johnson

4. When Harry Stalked Sally.

Your heart is my piñata.
-Chuck Palahniuk

5. 40 awesomely bad love songs. Play 'em for that special someone!

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
-Woody Allen

OUTLAW TIKES

One of my favorite new quotes is from actor-philosopher Johnny Depp who said:

“When kids hit 1 year old, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk. You have to hold onto them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit.”

The man is a genius. And so hunky!

These links are inspired by his insight...

1. The scariest 10 year-old I've read about all week.
2. If you recently got a prank call that claimed "a big donut fell on your house" you can rest easy now. The authorities are on it!
3. Innocent my ass, lock him up and throw away the key.
4. Another 8 year-old smartypants destined to get beat up by museum officials.
5. Fat kids go missing too!

BEST WEDDING DANCE EVAH!!!

Wait for it... wait for it... YES!

THE WEEK IN FUNNY

'nuf said...

MAKING NICE

Okay, too much Diet Coke and not enough sleep makes Rustedeye a cranky blog.

I've been listening to my new band faves, The Divine Comedy. Their style is... well... kind of like a smart-alecky version of The Doors minus the psychedelia... mixed with Burt Bacharach.

I was actually turned on to them a few years ago and liked 'em fine but their recent albums have really gotten under my skin and tickled my funny bone. You can check out a couple of their tunes on their myspace page (To Die A Virgin is particularly terrific).

Here are few fun links to make up for yesterday's bile...

1. So, You've Been Pushed Out Of Plane...


2. "A rising tide drowns all boats..."


3. Are you a breast man?


4. Monty Python's Star Trek