SURPRISE, SURPRISE...

...Restaurant chains lie about their diet menu offerings.

Read about it here.

YOU MISSED IT...

My birthday was yesterday. It kinda sucked. I had to work into the wee hours of the night. Had a nice quickie meal at Zingerman's with the family unit. It was fun to watch Nate and Sam try to feed a mustard-covered hotdog bun to the birds.

Anywho, here are some completely useless or outrageously expensive things I wish I had gotten for gifts.

1. Faucet Light - I have no idea why I want this. I just do. It's like Pimp My Bathroom Sink.

2. Sink Positive - very cool. And oh-so sustainable.

3. Coffin Clock - Though, there's a lot from this site that would make me very happy.

4. Weird and useless watches - They're Japanese, so they gotta be good.

5. Robotic Pianist Hand - Totally geeky and just plain wonderful.

6. Socks - I'm finally at the age where a pair of socks won't disappoint me.

HITLER'S BURNING MAN PLANS GO TO SHIT

Hilarious. And just so wrong.

ARE YOU A BALLBUSTER?

Thanks, Jeff S for this blast from the past. I love how sleepy the announcer's voice sounds.

Now, didn't Mattel have a game called Pocket Pool? Or was it Crotch Rocket?

Tales Of Corporate & Legal Douche Baggery

1- Warner/DC comics shuts down children's cancer charity auction over trademark

2- Imagine if she'd had a slice o' pie with that. Woman fired after being accused of 'stealing' $2 from Tim Horton. Gets her day in court.

3- Because web surfing is everybody's business. Charter Communications, the fourth-largest cable system in the U.S., has informed its high-speed Internet customers that it's going to track every site they visit on the Web. Good thing cable isn't a monopoly or anything. Oh, right.

4- Don't pay your $300 dental bill, lose your house. Makes sense to me. If I were a complete asshole.

Darth Was A Blues Man

Just hilarious. 'nuff said.

BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND BILL O'REILLY

I had a link to the MySpace page with this tune last week. But here it is in all its video glory.

Warning: You probably don't want to let this blast from your work cubicle.

JUST HOW AWARE ARE YOU?

I love this video Jeff S sent me. If you're like me, you'll be amazed by the final outcome.

I know I don't get many comments but I'd love to read about people's reactions to this.

Pulp Fiction circa 1603

J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.Allow me then to offer a response.Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,And never have I heard tell of this What.What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!J: Then hearken to my words and answer them! Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!

Tarrantino! Shakespeare! Two great tastes that taste great together. Read it HERE.

DEFININTELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK...

...but kinda funny. (thanks, Jeff!) The worst sex therapist in the world.

Warning: the ad before the "Dr. Ulee" video is kinda annoying.

From Crackle: Dr. Ulee 3

BTW no posts these last few days 'cuz blogger was having problems. Or, at least, it was for me. It would allow access to the tool bar.

But we're back again. And badder than ever.

IS HILLARY THE PSYCH EX GIRLFRIEND WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU UP LATE AT NIGHT?

Hillary: Hey baby.
DEMS: C'mon Hillary. Enough with this.
Hillary: Don't you get it? You NEED me.
DEMS: No, I don't. It was fun while it lasted but
I'm with Barack now. I made my choice, it's done.
Hillary: You can't really mean that. How can you say that after all the good times we had?

More here. Reflection here.

TALES OF AMERICAN JUSTICE...

...and other weirdness.

1- Your 18 year-old daughter fails her GED. What's a father to do? Go to jail.

2- Wal-Mart loss prevention detectives are second only to FOX security. They're watching!

3- Halt! You are have been single out as a threat to security by our behavior detection officers. The Thought Police will be here in a moment to take you away.

4- Wear a skimpy dress to prom... that's a jailing!

5- "My child stepped in dog poop! Someone must pay!" J'accuse Norwalk, Connecticut.

6- Mugshot goodness. And that first girl seems so nice. Maybe she got too high of an interest rate. Check out the power trio in photo #2.

7- FROM THE "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH CONGRESS" FILE: Download an illegal mp3... we'll take your house.

8- Wait, before you save that woman's life... you need to pay for that!

9- Cashier gets robs at gun point. Billion dollar multinational company expresses concern with "You're fired!"

10- Having putting an end to all other unsafe construction practices, Eugene, Oregon fines tavern $12K for illicit use of shrubbery.

BILL O'REILLY "PLAYS IT OUT"

Bill O'Reilly totally f&%#'in melts down. But see, now that he's on FOX he's so much happier (and richer). Or maybe it was all those loofah sponge baths.

Here's the video. And a friggin' awesome remix based on the YouTube clip based on the bootleg. God I do love me the Internets.

THE 'OFFICIAL LINE' ON THE THREE SECOND RULE

...and other food myths. Get edu-mi-cated here.

MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC

Work harder! Be happier!

Click here for the answer!

Lincoln! Douglas! Stephananopoulos! Gibson!

If ABC ran the Lincoln-Douglas debates.

STEPHANOPOULOS: I’m sorry to interrupt, but do you think Mr. Douglas loves America as much you do?
LINCOLN: Sure I do.
STEPHANOPOULOS: But who loves America more?
LINCOLN: I’d prefer to get on with my opening statement George.
STEPHANOPOULOS: If your love for America were eight apples, how many apples would Senator Douglas’s love be?

I FIND YOUR LACK OF FASHION DISTURBING

1. "Hello Vader" courtesy Jeff.

2. Dear Billy: "Your parents are right. You can subscribe to Hustler when you turn 18. Hang in there - you'll be 18 before you know it. Until then, you should read the Sears Roebuck catalog."

Sincerely,

Larry Flynt

Little Billy gets advice from Charles Manson, the Unabomber, Richard Ramirez (The Night Stalker), Alan Greenspan, Ahnold, Clarence Thomas, and, of course, Dick Cheney.

3. Ginger or Maryanne. The great debate is resolved.

4. "Little Bunny Jihad hopping through the forest. Scooping up the jewish infidels and bopping them on the head!"

A CALL NO PARENT SHOULD EVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO

Soldier's cell phone accidentally calls home in his pocket ...during a fire fight in Afghanistan.

Yup, Another 'They Fool Ya When They Stand Upright' Florida Story

Substitute teacher does a magic trick for class... fired for "wizardry." Tossed into pool, floats, burned at the stake.

Read about it here.

KEITH OLBERMANN EXPLAINS HILLARY'S VICTORY CALCULUS

Do you live in a state that counts? Fall into the proper age, income, race demographic? Then Hillary wants you. All others need not apply.

Just brilliant. This guy is so damn good....