DIE HARD!

In my opinion, the original Die Hard is as close to a perfect action film as you can get, embodying much of what Hollywood does best. Almost every time I stumble across it on cable I end up sucked in, watching until the next commercial break. And I own a DVD copy. Still, it's a perfect storm of character (Willis does what he does best and Alan Rickman is a brilliant villain), setting (a claustrophic business tower) and over-the-top action. The script is reasonably smart, the direction (John McTiernan) is inventive and impeccably paced and even the humor works. Sure, we could have done without the Twinkie-snarfing beat cop, but it was the best popcorn flick to come along in some time.

The sequels have been... well, increasingly disappointing. Die Harder had an idiot storyline but Renny Harlin knows how to shoot action and has a wickedly sadistic streak, letting the film live up to its title. It never achieves the awesomeness of the first but gives it a noble try.

Die Harder With A Vengeance mostly just sucked. The set up had promise and I tend to love anything Jeremy Irons is in... but the film couldn't pull its shit together, crapping out big time in its final act.

Now comes the fourth Die Hard flick and with its PG-13 rating (no more "Yippeee-ki-yay, Motherfucker"), terrorist plotline and varied locales it looks like any of a dozen recent action flicks. Maybe I'll be proven wrong but I don't have high hopes. Unfortunately, I haven't been assigned to review it so if I want to see it I'll have to shell out $9 and see it with the hoi polloi.

So, why am I dedicating so much space to a mindless action film series? Because I came across this great music video that links footage from the films to one of the best fanboy rock tunes I've heard... well, maybe ever (not that I've heard much). It's worth it if only for the chorus. Enjoy!

ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES

You know, after presiding over an administration that is directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of 2800 citizens on 9/11, another 1900 in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina, 3500 soldiers lost in Iraq and God knows how many Iraqis, it seems almost inconceivable that George W. Bush's government can claim to embrace a "culture of life."

Next time friends or family make this claim, point out that Mr. 'Culture Of Life' backed deregulations that increased chemical company profits while putting kids at risk... to rat poison. If you want to learn how much public policy can affect the everyday lives of others, read this.

"All it takes is one geek to do something stupid..."

Could be the mantra for my life.

I always wondered if those who advise cleaning your computer keyboard in the dishwasher were off their nut. Now I know the truth.

STUFF YOU NEED TO KNOW EDITION

• Countries ranked by booze consumption. Ireland comes in second but more than willing to kick some ass over it.


• Finnish clubgoers guilty of producing a "whiff of fermented raisins."


• Riot control Russian style!


• Daily cost of Paris Hilton's incarceration $1100. Cost of court proceedings that made her scream and cry: Priceless.


• The reason I don't use AT&T and neither should you!

BTW that's a real fortune cookie fortune.

JUST STUFF

• New Jersey shows the rest of the country how to do it. (Yeah, that New Jersey)


• US map with state renamed to show country's with similar GDPs. Now I need to go out an get an alpaca.


• Bush/Cheney slap forehead and say, "Why didn't we think of that?"


• Largest island in a lake on an island in a lake VS Largest island in a lake on an island in a lake on an island


• Bush Administration Declares Paris Hilton Enemy Combatant over Jailhouse Religious Conversion (shamless plug for my buddy's website)

How To Have A Secret Affair At Work

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-have-a-secret-affair-at-work

Now wouldn't have High school been more interesting if they'd shown these in Sex Ed?

Other important video titles:

How To Seduce Your Boss
How To Be Lazy In The Office And Get Away With It

The History Of The Vietnam War ...Porn-style

Some people are just too damn funny.

LONG TIME NO SEE...

But I had to post this. Too good to pass up. "Do The Right Thing" ala' Sesame Street

BLADE RUNNER

Those who love the sci-fi noir Blade Runner are probably more film fans than sci fi geeks (luckily, I'm both). Either way, Ridley Scott's movie is pure cinema, an arthouse fantasy filled with astounding visuals, slow motion drama and one of Rutger Hauer's most impressive (and loony) performances. As a cinematic vision of the dystopian future it is unmatched.

To many Blade Runner is a masterpiece, to others a frustratingly ambitious failure. Needless to say I fall in with the first camp.

For those who care, the film has generated more than a few heated discussions about whether Dekkard (Harrison Ford's character) was a human or an android (called a replicant in the film). The version of the film that was released in theaters in 1982 makes it impossible to know but suggests he's human. The director's version, released on DVD with reinserted scenes made things more ambiguous, but hinted that he was a replicant (something I always suspected).

The biggest difference between the two versions of the film, however, was the studio-inserted voice-over that both director Ridley Scott and star Ford hated. Rumor has it that Ford was so angry that he was required to provide narration that he delivered it with as little emotion as possible, hoping it would be dropped. Strangely, in my opinion, the narration kind of works (though is poorly written), giving Blade Runner even more of a retro-noir feel. Unfortunately, the studio-mandated "happy" ending is a colossal and insulting blunder. It's a true testament to Scott's vision as a director (and the really strong script) that even with these changes the film is both compelling and revolutionary.

The strangest fumble in this big budget, amazingly shot film is one particularly bad stunt sequence where in Dekkard kills a renegade android played by Joanna Cassidy. As her character falls through a series of plate glass windows it's clear that a stuntman in drag is executing the stunt. He's built like a truck and sporting a wig that doesn't even come close to approximating Cassidy's hair. It's a laughably bad moment, temporarily pulling the viewer out of the film's carefully constructed world. Supposedly, a remastered DVD is going to be released with the stunt sequence reshot. Remarkably, Joanna Cassidy has returned to help make it happen. I'm not only excited to see the disc, I'll undoubtedly buy it..

Below, through the magic of YouTube, is a British documentary called ON THE EDGE OF BLADE RUNNER that is a really good chronicle of the process and struggles to get Ridley Scott's film made. Never shown in the US, the doc includes a scene that was left on the cutting room floor (which was probably a good idea). More importantly, Scott reveals at the very end of the doc whether Dekkard was or wasn't a replicant. Watch it and find out!

PART ONE



PART TWO



PART THREE



PART FOUR



PART FIVE



PART SIX

LOW RENT BATMAN & SLACKER ROBIN

This fan film is a true classic; the perfect mix of amateur technique, wooden acting, and unintentional (and intentional) humor. AN inspired waste of 6 minutes!

Favorite moments: Robin's karate chop. "Oh no!" The Riddler's accent. The expert fight choreography. Batman providing his own fight sound effects (Doosh!). The wind blowing across the mics. The final Bat dance. Holding hands!

JON STEWART VS THE WORLD (of idiots)

• JOHN MCCAIN
• JOHN BOLTON Pt1, Pt2
• NANCY GRACE (a hard-on for resonable doubt)
• TUCKER CARLSON
• BILL BENNETT
  
  

TASTY!

1. Cobra is the Citizen Kane of Bidgette Nelson movies.

2. Headline + Columnist's picture = Heebie Jeebies

3. Children’s TV rock bands or bad acid trip?

4. Another upstanding citizen employed by Fox News.

5. Sexy Silver Shiny Middle-Aged Men

6. A practical guide to power-napping

7. 100 of the best april fools pranks...

#7: Alabama Changes the Value of PiThe April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason newsletter contained an article claiming that the Alabama state legislature had voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi from 3.14159 to the 'Biblical value' of 3.0. Before long the article had made its way onto the internet, and then it rapidly made its way around the world, forwarded by people in their email. It only became apparent how far the article had spread when the Alabama legislature began receiving hundreds of calls from people protesting the legislation. The original article, which was intended as a parody of legislative attempts to circumscribe the teaching of evolution, was written by a physicist named Mark Boslough.

BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I ROCK & ROLLED

As an editor I always hate when my writers give me an excuse for why they blew their deadline. I'm sure there are many legitimate reasons for why they couldn't deliver on their professional promise but the truth is, I don't want to hear 'em. I just want the work in when it's due because if it's not it means more work for me.

So, I'm not going to offer up any lame excuses for my absence these past two weeks... except to say, "it's all George Bush's fault." I mean, he's screwing up everything else in this country (and a few others to boot) so why not my blog? That son-of-a-bitch has always had it out for me.

Anyway, to properly express my depression and rage I offer up this brilliant distillation of pain and suffering.

I always knew it wasn't easy being green but I had no idea how much it Hurt.

FAUX NEWS

1. Biting the hand that feeds...






2. Even in another language the humor still comes through.
3. Cheney gets loaded and unloads on his buddy.
4. Colbert vs O'Reilly




5. Jon Stewart on The O'Reilly

BULLSH%T!

So, Penn & Teller have this series on Showtime where they go around debunking notions of 'common wisdom' and self-righteous positioning. Occassionally, they just smash on stuff they think is just plain stupid, like near-death visions, etc. Even if you bristle at their forays into liberal cause bashing (getting hippies to sign a petition banning water is particularly amusing) the show is informative and entertaining as hell. Here are a few choice segments...




PETA unmasked...





The Drug War (pt1)




pt 2, pt 3

THE MEDIA AMINS




DON'T BE NIT-PICKY




AH, WHEN CHILDREN'S SHOWS WERE FREE OF SEXUAL INNUENDO

"...like a bunch of commies high on potato juice."

Okay, this is pretty cool. Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter have developed a new sitcom for NBC about a straight-laced accountant who accidentally falls into the seedy underworld of private investigation. Now, I've always been a fan of Richter, ever since he used to perform in the Brady Show at Chicago's Annoyance Theater many years ago. He was Conan's side-kick for many years and a damn funny guy who's never quite gotten his due. FOX gave him a show a few years back and I'll never forget the episode where he finally gets the really hot chick at work to date him only to find out she's a rabid Anti-Semite.

Anyway, NBC has put up the first six episodes on the web for your viewing pleasure. I watched the first two and though it takes a little while to find its rhythm I found myself laughing out loud a more than a few times. I was also impressed by the cleverness of the scripts. It really makes the most of its 22 minutes. Check it out.

http://www.nbc.com/Video/rewind/full_episodes/andybarker.shtml?show=andybarker01

VADERAMA!

God, I was such a Star Wars geek as a kid. The film opened when I was 12, only days after my birthday, and I spent half the summer blowing my allowance on screenings (13 times in two and a half months) and action figures. About 10 years ago my sister sold off all my original (and pristine) Star Wars toys at a garage sale for pennies on the dollar. It still hurts my stomach to think of the thousands of dollars I could have put toward something like, oh I don't know, my kid's college education. I picture the comic book store owner from The Simpsons drooling over the 10 cent per figure box and then haggling my sister down to $5 for the entire collection. Here are just a few of the items I had (some in their boxes)... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. That's nearly $1200... and I'm ashamed I had a whole helluva lot more.

Anyway, I recently watched the first movie with my (almost) five year old son, Nate, and while he loved it, I found the first half pretty draggy. Once they got on board the Deathstar, however, the film was a real blast.

The trilogy of prequels that Lucas put out over the past decade can only be described as unadulterated crap. Comedian Brian Posehn compared Phantom Menace to being molested by your uncle while you're an adult. I couldn't agree more (wish I could find a clip).

Anyway, in celebration of the ultimate asthmatic villain rustedeye offers up these delectable Darth links:

1. Darth is a dick.


2. Japanese Darth Vader comedy sketch


3. Tom Cruise IS the evil Emporer


4. Jimmy Fallon as Anakin Skywalker (aka Darth Vader)


5. My favorite Vader parody (a repeat)


6. The Vader Sessions

THIS WEEK'S FUNNIES

After all these years Letterman still manages to be funny and relevant.




...and more from the ever-reliable Jon Stewart

LIFE IS JUST A BUNCH OF RANDOM
STUFF THAT HAPPENS

...and so are today's links. Enjoy!

1. The history of condoms... but you'll have to ask the guy behind the counter.



2. Buckingham Palace Marching Band plays Darth Vader's theme.



3. How well do you know Europe? Post your scores in the comment section. I got a 79.



4. Amazing photos of Easter Island.



5. The State Of The Union Address and 71 year-old John McCain is there!



6. Karate chop for Christ!



7. Terrorist sympathizer Andy Griffith rails against Patriot Act.



8. The Biology of B-Movie Monsters.



9. Polly wants to know why you're so stupid.



10. Amish Heat.