A TERRIBLE AFFLICTION!

Are those tears of sorrow or tears of laughter? (Thanks Jeff S!)

OKAY, SO MAYBE EPISIODE 2 WAS A GOOD IDEA

More Homeless James Bond goodness. Enjoy!

HOMELESS JAMES BOND

Kinda brilliant. Very funny. Watch what happens to the white shirt 15 seconds after he puts it on. Wish I had thought of it. Rather than doing further episodes, however, they should have come up with other films / shows/ etc to do 'homeless' style.

CREEPY

I always knew cell phones were invented by the Devil. (thanks Jeff S!)

BETTER THAN THE MOVIE

So, if you haven't seen the new Indiana Jones movie, don't bother. It's a big disappointment. Cate Blanchett does Natasha from Bullwinkle. Space aliens show up at the end and Indiana is basically a crotchety old guy with super human strength. Kinda sucko. You can read my too generous review below (for some reason the Metro Times hasn't posted on their site yet).

Anyway, by way of buddy Jeff S comes this far more amusing installment to the Indiana Jones saga. Check it out...


My review for Detroit's Metro Times.

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

B-

Over-stuffed yet under-cooked, the fourth installment in the Indiana Jones serial, which began 28 years ago, suffers from too many ideas and not enough focus. If David Koepp's inelegantly pulpy patchwork of a half dozen other screenplays (written by the likes of Frank Darabont and Jeb Stuart, no less) were helmed by anyone other than Steven Spielberg, the movie would be a disastrous mess. As it is, it's a fitfully entertaining but entirely unnecessary addition to the canon.

Much like Spielberg's work on The Lost World (the clunky Jurassic Park sequel), Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull has moments of verve and panache but is ultimately undone by too many explanations and endless allusions to the previous films. The cinematic Easter eggs will, no doubt, keep salivating fanboys happy, but Koepp and Spielberg have unintentionally created a meta-film of sorts; one that pays homage to films that were themselves an homage to cliffhangers of a bygone era.

Dropping us right into the action, Crystal Skull opens with Dr. Jones (Harrision Ford, of course) and his triple crossing cohort Mac (Ray Winstone) dragged by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett channeling Bullwinkle's Natasha) and platoon of Ruskies into an Area 51 warehouse. They are searching for a mummy. Why? Well, that's never really clear but after a daring escape, Dr. Jones falls in with teenaged Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) in his search to find a colleague who went missing while seeking El Dorado, the lost Mayan city of gold. Only he's really looking for an alien crystal skull, see? And Mutt is Marion Ravenwood's (Karen Allen from the first film) kid. Which mean, he's Indy's kid. And there's lots and lots of talk about hieroglyphics and past events and former colleagues and all sorts of stuff we don't care about. It all culminates in a poorly structured final act that involves aliens or inter-dimensional travelers or, well, it doesn't matter. The climax completely melts down and becomes an excuse to throw some CGI effects at the screen.

Simply said, Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull can't justify its existence. Just as giving Indy a Dad didn't make Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade any better, giving him a son seems like a concept in search of a movie. In fact, the two films both trade character development and ingenuity for exposition-heavy narrative and over-the-top but passionless action. Which isn't to say they're bad films. Just that they fail to meet expectations.

On some level Spielberg seems to acknowledge this and tries to keep Crystal Skull barreling along. Every time things gets bogged down in meaningless talk… which it does often… he compensates with a ridiculously extended action scene. They may not have the grandeur and go-for-broke invention of the first two Indiana Jones films but they're crisply directed and mostly fun (despite some piss-poor CGI). Even at his worst, Spielberg knows how to keep an out-of-control action piece structured and fast-paced. The film's best is a wild motorcycle chase around Yale's campus.

Still, for all his skill, Spielberg is unable to capture the sense of awe, surprise and danger of his earliest films. Part of the problem is Indy himself. No longer a cocky artifact hunter who has to use his wits and willpower to get out of situations he mostly gets himself into, the aging Dr. Jones is now a humorless grump with the physicality of a 30 year-old superman. His acts of derring-do are so painless and his triumphs so assured, the film never creates any drama.

To Harrison Ford's credit, at the very least, he seems engaged. After phoning in performances for the last decade he manages to bring his…well, not A-Game but, at least, a solid B to Indy's world-weary tough-guy persona. Unfortunately, Koepp is unable to give him a single winning line of dialogue. The guy's got nothing to work with.

Which is exactly what undermines the talented LaBeouf, neuters Blanchett's villainess and puts the usually terrific Ray Winstone on the sidelines. The return of Karen Allen's character is one of the film's few treats. She and Ford briefly connect but are quickly split apart by Koepp's pointlessly busy script. It makes you wonder why Spielberg bothered to hire such an accomplished (and no doubt expensive) cast if he was only going to waste them.

Of course, comparing this fourth sequel to Raiders Of The Lost Ark –arguably the greatest action-adventure flick of all time—isn't really fair. But you'd hope that after a nearly two-decade break; George Lucas and Spielberg would have a few new ideas to add to mix. Unfortunately, the best they can come up with is a competent but half-hearted rehash. It's like that hum-able song you've heard thousands of times on the radio but haven't grown to hate. Entertaining but, ultimately, irrelevant.

YUP, IT'S FLORIDA

Not too long ago I linked to a story where a Florida teacher was accused of "wizardry" and fired for doing some sleight of hand.

Here, they've decided to censor the art work of a high school student becasue... aw, just read the damn article.

VEGAN POTLUCKS = TERRORIST CELLS

In preparation for the Republican National Convention, the FBI is soliciting informants to keep tabs on local protest groups. First clue that something's amiss? They serve nutloaf.

Read about it here.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE...

...Restaurant chains lie about their diet menu offerings.

Read about it here.

YOU MISSED IT...

My birthday was yesterday. It kinda sucked. I had to work into the wee hours of the night. Had a nice quickie meal at Zingerman's with the family unit. It was fun to watch Nate and Sam try to feed a mustard-covered hotdog bun to the birds.

Anywho, here are some completely useless or outrageously expensive things I wish I had gotten for gifts.

1. Faucet Light - I have no idea why I want this. I just do. It's like Pimp My Bathroom Sink.

2. Sink Positive - very cool. And oh-so sustainable.

3. Coffin Clock - Though, there's a lot from this site that would make me very happy.

4. Weird and useless watches - They're Japanese, so they gotta be good.

5. Robotic Pianist Hand - Totally geeky and just plain wonderful.

6. Socks - I'm finally at the age where a pair of socks won't disappoint me.

HITLER'S BURNING MAN PLANS GO TO SHIT

Hilarious. And just so wrong.

ARE YOU A BALLBUSTER?

Thanks, Jeff S for this blast from the past. I love how sleepy the announcer's voice sounds.

Now, didn't Mattel have a game called Pocket Pool? Or was it Crotch Rocket?

Tales Of Corporate & Legal Douche Baggery

1- Warner/DC comics shuts down children's cancer charity auction over trademark

2- Imagine if she'd had a slice o' pie with that. Woman fired after being accused of 'stealing' $2 from Tim Horton. Gets her day in court.

3- Because web surfing is everybody's business. Charter Communications, the fourth-largest cable system in the U.S., has informed its high-speed Internet customers that it's going to track every site they visit on the Web. Good thing cable isn't a monopoly or anything. Oh, right.

4- Don't pay your $300 dental bill, lose your house. Makes sense to me. If I were a complete asshole.

Darth Was A Blues Man

Just hilarious. 'nuff said.

BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND BILL O'REILLY

I had a link to the MySpace page with this tune last week. But here it is in all its video glory.

Warning: You probably don't want to let this blast from your work cubicle.

JUST HOW AWARE ARE YOU?

I love this video Jeff S sent me. If you're like me, you'll be amazed by the final outcome.

I know I don't get many comments but I'd love to read about people's reactions to this.

Pulp Fiction circa 1603

J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.Allow me then to offer a response.Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,And never have I heard tell of this What.What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!J: Then hearken to my words and answer them! Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!

Tarrantino! Shakespeare! Two great tastes that taste great together. Read it HERE.

DEFININTELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK...

...but kinda funny. (thanks, Jeff!) The worst sex therapist in the world.

Warning: the ad before the "Dr. Ulee" video is kinda annoying.

From Crackle: Dr. Ulee 3

BTW no posts these last few days 'cuz blogger was having problems. Or, at least, it was for me. It would allow access to the tool bar.

But we're back again. And badder than ever.

IS HILLARY THE PSYCH EX GIRLFRIEND WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU UP LATE AT NIGHT?

Hillary: Hey baby.
DEMS: C'mon Hillary. Enough with this.
Hillary: Don't you get it? You NEED me.
DEMS: No, I don't. It was fun while it lasted but
I'm with Barack now. I made my choice, it's done.
Hillary: You can't really mean that. How can you say that after all the good times we had?

More here. Reflection here.

TALES OF AMERICAN JUSTICE...

...and other weirdness.

1- Your 18 year-old daughter fails her GED. What's a father to do? Go to jail.

2- Wal-Mart loss prevention detectives are second only to FOX security. They're watching!

3- Halt! You are have been single out as a threat to security by our behavior detection officers. The Thought Police will be here in a moment to take you away.

4- Wear a skimpy dress to prom... that's a jailing!

5- "My child stepped in dog poop! Someone must pay!" J'accuse Norwalk, Connecticut.

6- Mugshot goodness. And that first girl seems so nice. Maybe she got too high of an interest rate. Check out the power trio in photo #2.

7- FROM THE "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH CONGRESS" FILE: Download an illegal mp3... we'll take your house.

8- Wait, before you save that woman's life... you need to pay for that!

9- Cashier gets robs at gun point. Billion dollar multinational company expresses concern with "You're fired!"

10- Having putting an end to all other unsafe construction practices, Eugene, Oregon fines tavern $12K for illicit use of shrubbery.

BILL O'REILLY "PLAYS IT OUT"

Bill O'Reilly totally f&%#'in melts down. But see, now that he's on FOX he's so much happier (and richer). Or maybe it was all those loofah sponge baths.

Here's the video. And a friggin' awesome remix based on the YouTube clip based on the bootleg. God I do love me the Internets.

THE 'OFFICIAL LINE' ON THE THREE SECOND RULE

...and other food myths. Get edu-mi-cated here.

MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC

Work harder! Be happier!

Click here for the answer!

Lincoln! Douglas! Stephananopoulos! Gibson!

If ABC ran the Lincoln-Douglas debates.

STEPHANOPOULOS: I’m sorry to interrupt, but do you think Mr. Douglas loves America as much you do?
LINCOLN: Sure I do.
STEPHANOPOULOS: But who loves America more?
LINCOLN: I’d prefer to get on with my opening statement George.
STEPHANOPOULOS: If your love for America were eight apples, how many apples would Senator Douglas’s love be?

I FIND YOUR LACK OF FASHION DISTURBING

1. "Hello Vader" courtesy Jeff.

2. Dear Billy: "Your parents are right. You can subscribe to Hustler when you turn 18. Hang in there - you'll be 18 before you know it. Until then, you should read the Sears Roebuck catalog."

Sincerely,

Larry Flynt

Little Billy gets advice from Charles Manson, the Unabomber, Richard Ramirez (The Night Stalker), Alan Greenspan, Ahnold, Clarence Thomas, and, of course, Dick Cheney.

3. Ginger or Maryanne. The great debate is resolved.

4. "Little Bunny Jihad hopping through the forest. Scooping up the jewish infidels and bopping them on the head!"

A CALL NO PARENT SHOULD EVER HAVE TO LISTEN TO

Soldier's cell phone accidentally calls home in his pocket ...during a fire fight in Afghanistan.

Yup, Another 'They Fool Ya When They Stand Upright' Florida Story

Substitute teacher does a magic trick for class... fired for "wizardry." Tossed into pool, floats, burned at the stake.

Read about it here.

KEITH OLBERMANN EXPLAINS HILLARY'S VICTORY CALCULUS

Do you live in a state that counts? Fall into the proper age, income, race demographic? Then Hillary wants you. All others need not apply.

Just brilliant. This guy is so damn good....

Hello Darth Kitty

Love this tattoo. No reason for you to check it out on the site I stumbled across ...but I should probably link there because... well, I pilfered the image for your amusement.

“Say, Isn’t This Election Just Like A Great FOOTBALL GAME?!”

If you've ever listened to/watched Chris Matthews or Tim Russert THIS is a brilliant dissection of everything that is wrong with media coverage of the elections.

Excerpt:

Chris Matthews: Isn’t this election just like a great FOOTBALL GAME? I mean, like a great knockdown, drag-out football game, where people are hitting each other really hard and really going at it? Don’t you think it’s just like a football game?

Howard Fineman: Not really, no.

Chris: I think it’s just like a football game, I really do. It reminds me of, you know, going to the stadium and seeing two teams just BATTLE back and forth. Only now we’re in OVERTIME! Isn’t it just like an OVER TIME FOOTBALL GAME?

Howard: Again, no. Football is an athletic contest played on a field whose outcome is determined by some combination of physical skill and good luck. This is a presidential primary election, whose outcome hinges on grass roots organization and effective if sometimes duplicitous PR and ad campaigns. It’s, you know, totally different.

It gets better as it goes along. Especially once Hillary joins the fray.

DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS OPENS BUT I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT!

Two words: Moon Nazis.

RANDOM BITS OF USEFUL NONSENSE

1- More evidence boomers suck --they pay Gen X'ers and Millennials less than they were paid. Gee, didn't see that one comin'.

2- You know the one about military intelligence, right? Good news: You've won the Silver Star for bravery in combat! Bad news: You're a woman and women are just no good at being soldiers. You're relieved of duty. Now get me a beer.

3- Headline of the week: Mr. Gay Cut Up Pal For Eating'. And then it starts to get weird.

4- Apparently Vero Beach, Fla has solved all of society's ill and can now focus on what's really important. (courtesy my best bud, Jeff)

5- There's a town in Washington called Nooksack. I can't drive by the sign without cracking up. The mere thought of it inspires such quips as" "I once got kicked in the nooksack by an eight year-old girl. Man, did that hurt." What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Glad you asked.

You can buy the ultimate support-our-troops item: Camo-Nutz. If only I'd had them to protect my nooksack. (again courtesy Jeff)

BUT YOU CAN'T ARREST ME, I'M RICH...

Sometimes the wealthy and powerful get exactly what they deserve. Not nearly as often as they should but when they do, oh the sweet flavor of their pain.

I long to see the day when 'white collar' criminals --you know, the guys who steal millions from your Uncle Bob's pension plan-- are forced to do hard time with Bubba, the crack addicted 7-11 stick-up guy.

Until then, here's a rare moment where some young fancy-pants with a slick sob story about "intermittent explosive disorder" gets his come-uppence. His facial reaction is worth the price of admission alone.

Click through the whole set.

HELL, YEAH!

Okay, for those of you outside the great state of Michigan... Detroit's Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick --who has twice the embarrassment strength of Bill Clinton during the Lewinsky scandal-- ended up costing the city millions of dollars in settlement fees after he had local police officers fired when their investigations started to turn up evidence of his sordid affair with... oh, it doesn't matter. The guy's just sleazy and has got to go.

Anyway, this local anchorman reading the mayor's sexy text messages is so Ron Burgundy a defy you not to start cracking up round about "Damn that. Never busted. Busted is what you see." I especially like his interpretation of LOL. This guy is destined for black romance novel audiobooks.

Stay classy Detroit!

NEWS YOU CAN USE UPDATE

1- Can I get $359 billion in tens and the rest in quarters? Sometimes stupidity is endearing.

2- Seattle hate pigeons. Owie!

3- Tune in tomorrow. Same weirdo time! Same weirdo channel! YouTube gives Scientologists
their own channel. Scientologist promptly sue.

4- Your shoes are destroying your feet. Really. Read about it here. I was so convinced I ordered
a pair of vibram five-fingered sandals.

5- Want to succeed in business. Learn from the mafia.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME NOW BEFORE A BALD BLACK DUDE ASKS YOU, "DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THE RED PILL OF THE BLUE ONE?"

Video of a robot called the 'AirJelly.' It's simulatenously beautiful and creepy.