A TERRIBLE AFFLICTION!
Are those tears of sorrow or tears of laughter? (Thanks Jeff S!)
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
BETTER THAN THE MOVIE
So, if you haven't seen the new Indiana Jones movie, don't bother. It's a big disappointment. Cate Blanchett does Natasha from Bullwinkle. Space aliens show up at the end and Indiana is basically a crotchety old guy with super human strength. Kinda sucko. You can read my too generous review below (for some reason the Metro Times hasn't posted on their site yet).
Anyway, by way of buddy Jeff S comes this far more amusing installment to the Indiana Jones saga. Check it out...
My review for Detroit's Metro Times.
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
B-
Over-stuffed yet under-cooked, the fourth installment in the Indiana Jones serial, which began 28 years ago, suffers from too many ideas and not enough focus. If David Koepp's inelegantly pulpy patchwork of a half dozen other screenplays (written by the likes of Frank Darabont and Jeb Stuart, no less) were helmed by anyone other than Steven Spielberg, the movie would be a disastrous mess. As it is, it's a fitfully entertaining but entirely unnecessary addition to the canon.
Much like Spielberg's work on The Lost World (the clunky Jurassic Park sequel), Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull has moments of verve and panache but is ultimately undone by too many explanations and endless allusions to the previous films. The cinematic Easter eggs will, no doubt, keep salivating fanboys happy, but Koepp and Spielberg have unintentionally created a meta-film of sorts; one that pays homage to films that were themselves an homage to cliffhangers of a bygone era.
Dropping us right into the action, Crystal Skull opens with Dr. Jones (Harrision Ford, of course) and his triple crossing cohort Mac (Ray Winstone) dragged by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett channeling Bullwinkle's Natasha) and platoon of Ruskies into an Area 51 warehouse. They are searching for a mummy. Why? Well, that's never really clear but after a daring escape, Dr. Jones falls in with teenaged Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) in his search to find a colleague who went missing while seeking El Dorado, the lost Mayan city of gold. Only he's really looking for an alien crystal skull, see? And Mutt is Marion Ravenwood's (Karen Allen from the first film) kid. Which mean, he's Indy's kid. And there's lots and lots of talk about hieroglyphics and past events and former colleagues and all sorts of stuff we don't care about. It all culminates in a poorly structured final act that involves aliens or inter-dimensional travelers or, well, it doesn't matter. The climax completely melts down and becomes an excuse to throw some CGI effects at the screen.
Simply said, Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull can't justify its existence. Just as giving Indy a Dad didn't make Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade any better, giving him a son seems like a concept in search of a movie. In fact, the two films both trade character development and ingenuity for exposition-heavy narrative and over-the-top but passionless action. Which isn't to say they're bad films. Just that they fail to meet expectations.
On some level Spielberg seems to acknowledge this and tries to keep Crystal Skull barreling along. Every time things gets bogged down in meaningless talk… which it does often… he compensates with a ridiculously extended action scene. They may not have the grandeur and go-for-broke invention of the first two Indiana Jones films but they're crisply directed and mostly fun (despite some piss-poor CGI). Even at his worst, Spielberg knows how to keep an out-of-control action piece structured and fast-paced. The film's best is a wild motorcycle chase around Yale's campus.
Still, for all his skill, Spielberg is unable to capture the sense of awe, surprise and danger of his earliest films. Part of the problem is Indy himself. No longer a cocky artifact hunter who has to use his wits and willpower to get out of situations he mostly gets himself into, the aging Dr. Jones is now a humorless grump with the physicality of a 30 year-old superman. His acts of derring-do are so painless and his triumphs so assured, the film never creates any drama.
To Harrison Ford's credit, at the very least, he seems engaged. After phoning in performances for the last decade he manages to bring his…well, not A-Game but, at least, a solid B to Indy's world-weary tough-guy persona. Unfortunately, Koepp is unable to give him a single winning line of dialogue. The guy's got nothing to work with.
Which is exactly what undermines the talented LaBeouf, neuters Blanchett's villainess and puts the usually terrific Ray Winstone on the sidelines. The return of Karen Allen's character is one of the film's few treats. She and Ford briefly connect but are quickly split apart by Koepp's pointlessly busy script. It makes you wonder why Spielberg bothered to hire such an accomplished (and no doubt expensive) cast if he was only going to waste them.
Of course, comparing this fourth sequel to Raiders Of The Lost Ark –arguably the greatest action-adventure flick of all time—isn't really fair. But you'd hope that after a nearly two-decade break; George Lucas and Spielberg would have a few new ideas to add to mix. Unfortunately, the best they can come up with is a competent but half-hearted rehash. It's like that hum-able song you've heard thousands of times on the radio but haven't grown to hate. Entertaining but, ultimately, irrelevant.
So, if you haven't seen the new Indiana Jones movie, don't bother. It's a big disappointment. Cate Blanchett does Natasha from Bullwinkle. Space aliens show up at the end and Indiana is basically a crotchety old guy with super human strength. Kinda sucko. You can read my too generous review below (for some reason the Metro Times hasn't posted on their site yet).
Anyway, by way of buddy Jeff S comes this far more amusing installment to the Indiana Jones saga. Check it out...
My review for Detroit's Metro Times.
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
B-
Over-stuffed yet under-cooked, the fourth installment in the Indiana Jones serial, which began 28 years ago, suffers from too many ideas and not enough focus. If David Koepp's inelegantly pulpy patchwork of a half dozen other screenplays (written by the likes of Frank Darabont and Jeb Stuart, no less) were helmed by anyone other than Steven Spielberg, the movie would be a disastrous mess. As it is, it's a fitfully entertaining but entirely unnecessary addition to the canon.
Much like Spielberg's work on The Lost World (the clunky Jurassic Park sequel), Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull has moments of verve and panache but is ultimately undone by too many explanations and endless allusions to the previous films. The cinematic Easter eggs will, no doubt, keep salivating fanboys happy, but Koepp and Spielberg have unintentionally created a meta-film of sorts; one that pays homage to films that were themselves an homage to cliffhangers of a bygone era.
Dropping us right into the action, Crystal Skull opens with Dr. Jones (Harrision Ford, of course) and his triple crossing cohort Mac (Ray Winstone) dragged by Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett channeling Bullwinkle's Natasha) and platoon of Ruskies into an Area 51 warehouse. They are searching for a mummy. Why? Well, that's never really clear but after a daring escape, Dr. Jones falls in with teenaged Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) in his search to find a colleague who went missing while seeking El Dorado, the lost Mayan city of gold. Only he's really looking for an alien crystal skull, see? And Mutt is Marion Ravenwood's (Karen Allen from the first film) kid. Which mean, he's Indy's kid. And there's lots and lots of talk about hieroglyphics and past events and former colleagues and all sorts of stuff we don't care about. It all culminates in a poorly structured final act that involves aliens or inter-dimensional travelers or, well, it doesn't matter. The climax completely melts down and becomes an excuse to throw some CGI effects at the screen.
Simply said, Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull can't justify its existence. Just as giving Indy a Dad didn't make Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade any better, giving him a son seems like a concept in search of a movie. In fact, the two films both trade character development and ingenuity for exposition-heavy narrative and over-the-top but passionless action. Which isn't to say they're bad films. Just that they fail to meet expectations.
On some level Spielberg seems to acknowledge this and tries to keep Crystal Skull barreling along. Every time things gets bogged down in meaningless talk… which it does often… he compensates with a ridiculously extended action scene. They may not have the grandeur and go-for-broke invention of the first two Indiana Jones films but they're crisply directed and mostly fun (despite some piss-poor CGI). Even at his worst, Spielberg knows how to keep an out-of-control action piece structured and fast-paced. The film's best is a wild motorcycle chase around Yale's campus.
Still, for all his skill, Spielberg is unable to capture the sense of awe, surprise and danger of his earliest films. Part of the problem is Indy himself. No longer a cocky artifact hunter who has to use his wits and willpower to get out of situations he mostly gets himself into, the aging Dr. Jones is now a humorless grump with the physicality of a 30 year-old superman. His acts of derring-do are so painless and his triumphs so assured, the film never creates any drama.
To Harrison Ford's credit, at the very least, he seems engaged. After phoning in performances for the last decade he manages to bring his…well, not A-Game but, at least, a solid B to Indy's world-weary tough-guy persona. Unfortunately, Koepp is unable to give him a single winning line of dialogue. The guy's got nothing to work with.
Which is exactly what undermines the talented LaBeouf, neuters Blanchett's villainess and puts the usually terrific Ray Winstone on the sidelines. The return of Karen Allen's character is one of the film's few treats. She and Ford briefly connect but are quickly split apart by Koepp's pointlessly busy script. It makes you wonder why Spielberg bothered to hire such an accomplished (and no doubt expensive) cast if he was only going to waste them.
Of course, comparing this fourth sequel to Raiders Of The Lost Ark –arguably the greatest action-adventure flick of all time—isn't really fair. But you'd hope that after a nearly two-decade break; George Lucas and Spielberg would have a few new ideas to add to mix. Unfortunately, the best they can come up with is a competent but half-hearted rehash. It's like that hum-able song you've heard thousands of times on the radio but haven't grown to hate. Entertaining but, ultimately, irrelevant.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
YUP, IT'S FLORIDA
Not too long ago I linked to a story where a Florida teacher was accused of "wizardry" and fired for doing some sleight of hand.
Here, they've decided to censor the art work of a high school student becasue... aw, just read the damn article.
Not too long ago I linked to a story where a Florida teacher was accused of "wizardry" and fired for doing some sleight of hand.
Here, they've decided to censor the art work of a high school student becasue... aw, just read the damn article.
VEGAN POTLUCKS = TERRORIST CELLS
In preparation for the Republican National Convention, the FBI is soliciting informants to keep tabs on local protest groups. First clue that something's amiss? They serve nutloaf.
Read about it here.
In preparation for the Republican National Convention, the FBI is soliciting informants to keep tabs on local protest groups. First clue that something's amiss? They serve nutloaf.
Read about it here.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
YOU MISSED IT...My birthday was yesterday. It kinda sucked. I had to work into the wee hours of the night. Had a nice quickie meal at Zingerman's with the family unit. It was fun to watch Nate and Sam try to feed a mustard-covered hotdog bun to the birds.
Anywho, here are some completely useless or outrageously expensive things I wish I had gotten for gifts.
1. Faucet Light - I have no idea why I want this. I just do. It's like Pimp My Bathroom Sink.
2. Sink Positive - very cool. And oh-so sustainable.
3. Coffin Clock - Though, there's a lot from this site that would make me very happy.
4. Weird and useless watches - They're Japanese, so they gotta be good.
5. Robotic Pianist Hand - Totally geeky and just plain wonderful.
6. Socks - I'm finally at the age where a pair of socks won't disappoint me.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Tales Of Corporate & Legal Douche Baggery
1- Warner/DC comics shuts down children's cancer charity auction over trademark
2- Imagine if she'd had a slice o' pie with that. Woman fired after being accused of 'stealing' $2 from Tim Horton. Gets her day in court.
3- Because web surfing is everybody's business. Charter Communications, the fourth-largest cable system in the U.S., has informed its high-speed Internet customers that it's going to track every site they visit on the Web. Good thing cable isn't a monopoly or anything. Oh, right.
4- Don't pay your $300 dental bill, lose your house. Makes sense to me. If I were a complete asshole.
1- Warner/DC comics shuts down children's cancer charity auction over trademark
2- Imagine if she'd had a slice o' pie with that. Woman fired after being accused of 'stealing' $2 from Tim Horton. Gets her day in court.
3- Because web surfing is everybody's business. Charter Communications, the fourth-largest cable system in the U.S., has informed its high-speed Internet customers that it's going to track every site they visit on the Web. Good thing cable isn't a monopoly or anything. Oh, right.
4- Don't pay your $300 dental bill, lose your house. Makes sense to me. If I were a complete asshole.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Pulp Fiction circa 1603
Tarrantino! Shakespeare! Two great tastes that taste great together. Read it HERE.
J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.Allow me then to offer a response.Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,And never have I heard tell of this What.What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!J: Then hearken to my words and answer them! Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
Tarrantino! Shakespeare! Two great tastes that taste great together. Read it HERE.
DEFININTELY NOT SAFE FOR WORK...
...but kinda funny. (thanks, Jeff!) The worst sex therapist in the world.
Warning: the ad before the "Dr. Ulee" video is kinda annoying.
BTW no posts these last few days 'cuz blogger was having problems. Or, at least, it was for me. It would allow access to the tool bar.
But we're back again. And badder than ever.
...but kinda funny. (thanks, Jeff!) The worst sex therapist in the world.
Warning: the ad before the "Dr. Ulee" video is kinda annoying.
From Crackle:
BTW no posts these last few days 'cuz blogger was having problems. Or, at least, it was for me. It would allow access to the tool bar.
But we're back again. And badder than ever.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
IS HILLARY THE PSYCH EX GIRLFRIEND WHO KEEPS CALLING YOU UP LATE AT NIGHT?
More here. Reflection here.
Hillary: Hey baby.
DEMS: C'mon Hillary. Enough with this.
Hillary: Don't you get it? You NEED me.
DEMS: No, I don't. It was fun while it lasted but
I'm with Barack now. I made my choice, it's done.
Hillary: You can't really mean that. How can you say that after all the good times we had?
More here. Reflection here.
TALES OF AMERICAN JUSTICE...
...and other weirdness.
1- Your 18 year-old daughter fails her GED. What's a father to do? Go to jail.
2- Wal-Mart loss prevention detectives are second only to FOX security. They're watching!
3- Halt! You are have been single out as a threat to security by our behavior detection officers. The Thought Police will be here in a moment to take you away.
4- Wear a skimpy dress to prom... that's a jailing!
5- "My child stepped in dog poop! Someone must pay!" J'accuse Norwalk, Connecticut.
6- Mugshot goodness. And that first girl seems so nice. Maybe she got too high of an interest rate. Check out the power trio in photo #2.
7- FROM THE "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH CONGRESS" FILE: Download an illegal mp3... we'll take your house.
8- Wait, before you save that woman's life... you need to pay for that!
9- Cashier gets robs at gun point. Billion dollar multinational company expresses concern with "You're fired!"
10- Having putting an end to all other unsafe construction practices, Eugene, Oregon fines tavern $12K for illicit use of shrubbery.
...and other weirdness.
1- Your 18 year-old daughter fails her GED. What's a father to do? Go to jail.
2- Wal-Mart loss prevention detectives are second only to FOX security. They're watching!
3- Halt! You are have been single out as a threat to security by our behavior detection officers. The Thought Police will be here in a moment to take you away.
4- Wear a skimpy dress to prom... that's a jailing!
5- "My child stepped in dog poop! Someone must pay!" J'accuse Norwalk, Connecticut.
6- Mugshot goodness. And that first girl seems so nice. Maybe she got too high of an interest rate. Check out the power trio in photo #2.
7- FROM THE "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH CONGRESS" FILE: Download an illegal mp3... we'll take your house.
8- Wait, before you save that woman's life... you need to pay for that!
9- Cashier gets robs at gun point. Billion dollar multinational company expresses concern with "You're fired!"
10- Having putting an end to all other unsafe construction practices, Eugene, Oregon fines tavern $12K for illicit use of shrubbery.
BILL O'REILLY "PLAYS IT OUT"
Bill O'Reilly totally f&%#'in melts down. But see, now that he's on FOX he's so much happier (and richer). Or maybe it was all those loofah sponge baths.
Here's the video. And a friggin' awesome remix based on the YouTube clip based on the bootleg. God I do love me the Internets.
Bill O'Reilly totally f&%#'in melts down. But see, now that he's on FOX he's so much happier (and richer). Or maybe it was all those loofah sponge baths.
Here's the video. And a friggin' awesome remix based on the YouTube clip based on the bootleg. God I do love me the Internets.
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