THE RETURN OF THE SON OF THE REVENGE OF
STRANGE STATUES FROM AROUND THE WORLD

Okay, so I have no idea where this statue is from... but I would like to see him write his name in the snow.

For those of you just joining my merry blog, occassionally I post a photo of a bizarre or amusing statue from around the globe. Most of the time I can provide a little history and context. This time... sorry. I have no clue. I'm guessing it's from some Norwegian country. They're known for freaky stuff like this.

Anyway, continuing on my consumer kick, here are some more links inspired by those inspired by Adam Smith. Caio!

1. Stick it to the man! ... after you buy something from him.
2. Amazon's Secret Price Guarantee
3. No Birthday would be complete without the Vulva Puppet. Now you know what I want for Christmas.
4. The 10 Best (and 10 Worst) Companies for Call Center Service.
5. It's not your Grand Pappy's pogo stick.
6. 32-Bit Technology! Only $2599! 2MB expansion board, only $799.
7. Nope, it's soap. (I really really want this for my Birthday)

BUT IT'S ON CLEARANCE

I once heard this interview on NPR with the wife of a factory worker who had just been laid off from his South Carolina textile job because the company had decided to move operations to Honduras. She was shopping in a Wal-Mart and pretty bitter about the whole situation. The interviewer asked her what she was buying and she showed him some blouses. When the interviewer asked her where the blouses were made she read the label aloud... "Honduras."

Oddly enough this revelation did not dissuade her from shopping at Wal-MArt. Instead, she said she'd continue shopping there because they were so cheap.

I take this as a sign that consumerism and common sense have nothing to do with one another. In celebration of this devil-may-care attitude about personal finances. I offer up these wondrous goods for your consideration:

1. If it was good enough for George Bush when he was a baby, it's good enough for my junior.
2. My birthday is just 4 months away and I'm sure I'll still have a runny nose.
3. Cheap and useful... turn your tub faucet into a drinking fountain.
4. A rocking chair for mutants.
5. For the computer geek who has everything.
6. Okay, my kids would love these.
7. Cool-ass magnets. Get 'em here.
8. Only the bravest crook would look for your money here.
9. For the lady in your life: the ultimate shoe rack.
10. I really want this! If someone gets it for me I'll convert any obscure 80s cassette I own into a Cd for them.

MY MOST USEFUL BLOG ENTRY EVER

The concept of customer service in this country is a joke. Customer call centers are probably the best (but far from only) example of the "shut up and give us your money" mentality of corporate America.

One of my biggest pet peeves of this 'brave new economy' is the endless succession of menu choices corporations throw at you before answering your damn question. In essence they are making you work for them. Instead of hiring an operator who will direct your call to the proper department they want you to do the job instead. Then after suffering through one choice after another you get to enjoy a 5-7 minute wait (if you're lucky). If you get disconnected, you have the pleasure of starting the whole torturous process over again.

This phone cheat website (the gethuman database) has been a godsend... for me, anyway. Skip the endless push-button selections and head straight for the customer rep (sometimes even an account manager). While covering my tracks after my recent email account theft, this site's info was invaluable, saving me countless hours of wasted time in corporate phone trees.

This is why the Internet is such a wonderful and vital tool ...and net neutrality is a must! Can you imagine corporations allowing this site to exist if access to the web was controlled by companies like AT&T, Comcast and Verizon? Not likely. Support net neutrality any way you can and punish any elected official who seeks to undermine it.

MOO

So, one cow walks up to another and says, "What do you think about this whole mad cow disease thing?"

And the other cow snorts, "What do I care. I'm a helicopter."

I remember back when I was an Animal Science major at the University Of Illinois (I once thought I'd become a vet) and for our Food Science course we had to open up a giant stopper surgically grafted to a cow's belly, reach inside their rumen and tickle the back of their throat with our gloved fingers. The cows clearly didn't like us screwing with them like that and yet they calmly accepted our low grade torment.

With that in mind, I'm putting aside all my stresses and worries and chewing some emotional cud. There's something profoundly peaceful about the watery stare of grazing cows. I'm looking for that level of zen today. Won't you join me?

1. Cows and their owners.
2. Cowscapes.
3. The secret life of moody cows.
4. Cow abductions.
5. A kinder, gentler cow pattie.
6. I, for one, welcome our new bovine masters and their bad cow puns.
7. Time wasting cow flash game.
8. When the great bovine civil war breaks out, this special weapon will ensure our victory!

People Suck

So, I discovered over the weekend that someone stole my ebay account (which I don't use very much) and from there managed to seize a hotmail account I've had for 8 years. They, of course, immediately changed the password and secret question, shutting me out of my own account. I was up til 4 AM changing passwords and contacting accounts, since the email was used for orders and sign ups. Lesson freakin' learned. The good thing is that I check this email several times a day, so they only had exclusive access for an hour or two at most. The really bad thing is not really knowing how much info I had there since I've had the account for so long. I'm using my memory to follow up with anyone who might have personal or financial info. Hotmail is, of course, free, so Microsoft is absolutely no help. Never mind ever getting access to my acount again... I can't even get them to close it down.

So, keeping this joyful event in mind, today's links are dedicated to the asshats and snapperheads who make life so much harder for everyone else. Our current administration is, of course, the poster boy for all things dickish. Read on and seethe!

1. Justice... Atlanta style!
2. Freedom of speech vs coroporate profits. You'll never guess which one wins.
3. Fly the incredibly f**dup skies. They had me at overflowig toilets...
4. Ah, yes, Michigan, where the 50s are alive and well. The 1850s that is.
5. Who's doing well in Iraq? Just two regular joes named Lockheed and Martin.
6. For you, I'll offer a special Axis of Evil discount.
7. More Michigan-style justice. Wear a ballcap to a city council meeting, get tasered.
8. $1.2 trillion and counting. I hope there is a God and he's infinitely vengeful.
9. Man fakes retardation for 20 years. Heck, Bush has got him beat by over 30 years.
10. Honor the troops... unless they're already dead. Return of soldiers' remains from Iraq apparently becoming so common they're now being mixed in with the regular luggage.

MORE HEROIC LINKS...

Not much to say today. Woke up. Worked. Felt frustrated that I didn't get enough work done at my new job. Briefly worried that they'd think they hired the wrong guy. Bought groceries for my wife's birthday dinner. Made said dinner. Ate said dinner. Kids went to bed. Wife and I watched a couple of episodes from last season's Veronica Mars (it's brilliant). Updated blog. Sleep soon. I am officially old and no fun.

1. Look, up in the sky! It's Samurai Man!
2. Inappropriate Superhero tie-ins (it's not as funny as I'd hoped)
3. Galactus Is coming! If you know who Jack Kirby and Jack Chick are, bonus points for you! One's a classic comic book writer, the other is a crackpot Christian who publishes grim little tracts about accepting Jesus or going to hell. Both make a hell of a tuna casserole (or so I've heard).
4. What happens when superheroes get old.

5. Finally, these two links ( #1... #2 ) are mucho fun. One imagines superheroes in Renaissance art. The other imagines superhero at their day jobs. Ain't Photoshop a wonderful thing?

SUPERHERO EDITION

We're back! Power has been restored and I'm once again able to access the Internets.

Today was one of those brutally beautiful days. Temps hovered around 15 degrees but it was sunny and ice coated everything. Sure, there were downed tree limbs and broken bushes, but everything sparkled with unearthly luminescence. It was like walking through an alien arctic landscape.

Anyway, ever the geek at heart, today's links are dedicated to those brave souls who keep us safe from evil twins, brain-sucking aliens, scientific freaks and dastardly psychotics... superheroes!

There was a great This American Life a few years back that posed the question: If you could have either the power of invisibility or the power of flight which would you choose? Almost everyone picked invisibility, pointing out all the less-than upright things they could do. What does that say about our society? I tried the same question with my 4-year-old son, Nate, and a few of his buddies. Flight seemed to be the winner and all of them imagined themselves using their powers for good. I guess kids are just a whole lot more heroic. The wonderful John Hodgman, author of the TAL segment, concluded that the choice of flight represents who we wish we were and the choice of invisibility reflects who we really are. Hmmm.

1. Dolphins sing 'Batman' theme.
2. Which superhero are you? I'm the Green Lantern.
3. Lost in Gotham City? Consult this handy-dandy walking map.
4. Spidey, say it ain't so... Marvel & DC claim they OWN the word "superhero." It's corporate BS like this that makes me think Communism doesn't sound so bad.
5. Immigrants as superheros.

ICE STORM

...rustedeye is without power and shivering with frustration.

I'll be back as soon as I am able. Knowing DTE, that could mean days.

Knock on wood, spin the prayer wheel and send good vibes my way.

THE BLACK ADDER & GEORGE W. BUSH

Listening to Bush's inane plea to continue the fiasco in Iraq reminds me of the wonderfully cynical Black Adder series. See if this scene sounds familiar to you...




More political nonsense:

1. George wants to read your mail. Next up, signing statements that grant him access to your diary and dream journal.
2. Video that proves everything Bush said about Saddam is true.
3. Keith Olbermann sums up our decider-in-chief in 2 1/2 minutes. i HEART keith.
4. John McCain: Maverick or Myth?
5. Yup, now your change is spying on you.

LISTS, APOLOGIES and ANOTHER STATUE

So, I've fallen behind in my duties this week as a purveyor of the cool and uncanny. Okay, mildly entertaining and occassionally provocative. I've been offered a managing-editor job for a nifty new publication and it's required a bit more of my attention than I expected. Mea culpa.

Today's statue is from Germany and is disturbingly vaginal in nature. I can't offer up much more than that. If you can identify it's origin and exact location, kudos. Please share. [site problems. photo will be added soon]

Today's blog centers around lists and the names of things. Starting off with my favorite topic... the names given to animal groupings (ie. pod of whales, flock of seagulls, corruption of Republicans... okay, I made that last one up). Some of these are poetic, some are delightful, most are strange and unexpected. All seem to fit. Enjoy!

A shrewdness of Apes
An obstinancy of Buffalo
A kindle of Kittens
A business of Ferrets
A tower of Giraffes
A bloat of Hippopotamuses (i?)
A cackle of Hyenas
A troop of Kangaroos
An exhaltation of Larks
A labor of Moles
A murder of Crows
A romp of Otters
A prickle of Porcupines
A crash of Rhinoceroses
A dray (or scurry) of Squirrels
A streak of Tigers
A pride of Lions
A wake of Buzzards
A dule of Doves
A convocation of Eagles
A charm of Finches
A stand of Flamingos
A cast of Hawks (if in flight: a kettle)
A scold of Jays
A deceit of Lapwings
A tiding (or murder) of Magpies
A parliament of Owls
A muster of Peacocks
A congregation of Plovers
An unkindness of Ravens
A host of Sparrows A
murmuration of Starlings
A mustering of Storks
A bevy of Swans
A rafter (or gang) of Turkeys
A descent of Woodpeckers
A bask of Crocodiles
An army of Frogs
A knot of Toads
A bale (or nest) of Turtles
A nest of Snakes
A shiver of Sharks
A hover of trout
A colony of Ants
A bed of Clams
An intrusion of Cockroaches (ain't that the truth)
A cloud of Grasshoppers
A smack of Jellyfish
A troop (or barrel) of Monkeys
A richness of Martens
A leap of Leopards
A band of Gorillas
A cete of Badgers
A pace of Asses
A shoal of Bass (some believe 'school' is a corruption of this term)

1. 50 things that only happen in the movies.
2. A list of full length public domain songs available on Wikipedia or the Commons.
3. 33 Names of Things You Never Knew had Names.
4. Trying to make sense of video game and movie sequel titles. (WARNING: Geeky guy cursing profusely... still amusing).
5. Ten GREAT movie title sequences.
6. Popular Science's top 100 inventions of 2006.
7. The 10 Best Functioning Democracies (guess who didn't make the list).
8. Hate groups in America.

MORE NEWS YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED

1. Here's one I've never tried... blame it on the turtle.
2. Isn't this how Rome fell?
3. Headline says it all: "Opera that depicts Bush, Blair dancing in underwear canceled"
4. The science behind hang overs.
5. Ever wonder how climate modeling is done? Prepare yourself for that next global warming debate.
6. No, but see, they were really nice boobs.
7. Bigots R Us
8. Santa's Butt available again in Maine. Hallelujah!

FEEL GOOD STORY OF THE MONTH

If you haven't heard about the construction worker who rescued the film student in the New York subway tunnels by now, you probably don't get out much... or live on the other side of the globe.

What I find intriguing about how this story is the way it was covered by the LA Times ("NY subway 'angel' has no regrets") vs the NY Times approach ("Man Is Rescued by Stranger on Subway Tracks" and "Construction Worker One Day, Subway Hero the Next").

One headline focused on the man's act of heroism. The other questioned his potential sacrifice. Does this say something revealing about the West Coast and East Coast? What are your thoughts?

In other news...

1. The Republican Party remains the party of values.
2. The only question I have is: can my dog get a happy ending with that?
3. A collection of the best of the worst newspaper errors from 2006.
4. Creative sentencing = poetic justice.
5. Where's Samuel Jackson when you need him?

DO IT YOURSELF

The web is filled with little do-it-yourself projects. Most are good for a giggle or two. A few become really useful tools. Most of these links are are the former. But a few are keepers. You decide which is which...

1. Create your own newspaper clipping.
2. Wanna be an elf? Me neither.
3. Do it yourself 'Dummies' book. Mine's below. I spent all of 3 minutes creating it. Can you tell?
4. Make your own photo mosiac. Okay, this is pretty nifty.
5. Put someone "on notice"... Colbert-style.
6. Awesome Flickr tools to play with. Above is the Warhol filter applied to a photo of my 11- month-old son, Sam.

Finally, here's a link I forgot to add to yesterday's consumer education edition. And it's a good one. I've always wondered why eye glasses were so insanely expensive. Learn how to get around the scam.

POST HOLIDAY CONSUMER EDITION

In this season of gift returns and clearance sales I though it'd be fun to assail our capitalist sytem with some good 'ol consumer education. It's a war out there. Everyone wants a piece of your paycheck and there isn't much they won't do to get it. Don't enter the fray unarmed... or, at the very least, disgusted.

1. Why capitalism sucks. Or: On day 2 of the New Year, top CEOs will be paid more than someone working minimum wage for the entire rest of the year.
2. Looking to buy a mattress? Expensive aren't they? 99% of it is marketing.
3. Here's someone who paid Verizon exactly what they deserved.
4. Early adopters win! A music download site that increases the cost of the tune as it grows in popularity.
5. You want to stop listening but you just can't... the joys of customer service and employees who don't know the difference between dollars and cents. Warning: basic math skills required. (thanks Jeff Sheerwood!)
6. So, you're found guilty of perpetrating the biggest corporate accounting scandal of all time and robbing thousands upon thousands of people of their retirement savings. You'd think you'd end up in "pound-me-in-the-ass" prison. Think again.
7. The company contracted to build a fence between the US and Mexico busted for.... complete this sentence.
8. A six figure income. 2 rental investment properties. 2 horses. 4 kids. Apparently CNN thinks these spoiled assholes are just "scraping by." I say, drop these spoiled whiners in Iraq for a couple of months then ask how hard they have it.
9. No talent? No problem! How to create a market-ready sexy pop star.
10. Amazon product reviews to inspire.

Happy New Year

So, in my gig as a film critic for Detroit's Metro Times Iwas asked to put together my Top 10 (and 1 worst) list of films for 2006. Now, some films that have popped up on other lists haven't even been screened here yet, so I can't consider them. Here's my list:

1. Cache

Michael Haneke proves once again that he is one of cinema’s most uncompromising directors. Released in 2005, this haunting thriller didn’t reach our landlocked shores until Spring of this year. The personal becomes the political as a smug Parisian intellectual is forced to violently confront his past and his conscience. The fear and guilt in this film are almost palpable.


2. Pan’s Labyrinth

Known for horror fantasias like Hellboy and Blade 2, Guillermo Del Toro has an uncanny ability to fill the screen with gothic poetry of the highest order. Until now, however, The Devil’s Backbone was the only proof that his abilities rose above genre pulp. Pan’s Labyrinth will stand as the artistic turning point in this exciting filmmaker’s career. An exquisite fairy tale of horrifying beauty, it ranks as one of the best fantasy films of all time. Don’t miss it when it opens in Detroit after the New Year.

3. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.

In a year desperate for good comedy, Sasha Baron Cohen delivers the goods by taking Candid Camera to an all-new level of depravity and outrageousness. Exploding sexism, Anti-Semitism and bigotry to the point of absurdity, 20% of the audience shook their head in disgust and the rest laughed so hard they wet their pants. It just might be The Citizen Kane of offensive cinema.

4. United 93

British director Paul Greengrass (Black Sunday, The Bourne Supremacy) delivers a gut-wrenching re-enactment of the September 11th tragedy with respect, courage and extraordinary restraint. Simultaneously harrowing and haunting, it may not resonate twenty years from now but as a piece of timely cinema, it offers audiences their best chance to reclaim that terrible day from the self-serving rhetoric of politicians and pundits.

5. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada

Ignore the lists that place the bloated and pointless Babel in their top ten. This minor-key effort by screenwriter Guillermo Arriaga displays far more heart and soul than that star-studded Oscar darling. Tommy Lee Jones takes the director chair (along with the leading role) and delivers a heartfelt call for racial tolerance. The cast is topnotch, with Barry Pepper shining brightest as a craven border patrol officer struggling to find personal redemption.

6. The Descent

Political policy inspires popular culture as 9-11 and the Bush administration’s scary new world order inspires the greatest onslaught of horror films since the radioactive monster movies of the 50s. The last five years have seen audiences pony up big box office dollars to a cinematic slaughterhouse of death and dismemberment. This chicks-with-picks versus cannibalistic underground dwellers was the best of the bunch. It’ll have you screaming like a little girl.

7. Little Miss Sunshine

Grandpa’s hooked on porn and does heroin, big brother Paul won’t speak, Uncle Frank is a gay Proust scholar and little Olive wants to compete as a child beauty queen. Welcome to family dysfunction for the new millennium. Brainy, funny and filled with humanity, this little-film-that-could understands that comedy and character are vitally intertwined.

8. An Inconvenient Truth

The greatest slide show ever captured on film. Al Gore proves that the world would be a much different place had the Supreme Court not handed the presidency to the loser of 2000’s election. Sure, we could have done without the love letter to Al’s life and career, but the film’s message is undeniably persuasive. If it doesn’t change a few of your energy consumption habits, it will, at the very least, make you feel awfully guilty.

9. The Departed

Martin Scorcese hasn’t been this entertaining since Goodfellas. A terrific adaptation of the Hong Kong police thriller Infernal Affairs, Leonardo DiCaprio outshines a shining cast. It ain’t art but it sure is tasty. As far as meat and potatoes movies go this one’s filet mignon.

10. Army Of Shadows

So what if this was made nearly 40 years ago, Jean-Pierre Melville’s (Bob le Flambeur, Le Samouraï) noir-inspired take on the French resistance only just reached our shores this year. Gritty, steely-eyed and unsentimental, the director’s personal experiences with the WWII underground inform his unsentimental view of war as survival of the grimmest.

Honorable Mentions: Brick, Hard Candy, Flushed Away, Our Brand Is Crisis, Tristram Shandy: A Cock And Bull Story and The Prestige.

THE WORST OF 2006: The Lady In The Water

Charting M. Night Shyamalan’s career it’s clear the director’s ego and self-importance has grown in direct proportion to the awfulness of his movies. Peaking early with The Sixth Sense, the director’s flawed but interesting Unbreakable (which television’s Heroes owes much to) gave weigh to the profoundly moronic Signs and the politically misguided The Village. In each, the director dutifully provided his trademark narrative ‘twist,’ while attracting first-rate casts to his Twilight Zone-inspired filmography. Not coincidentally, with each release, he also gave himself larger and larger acting roles.

Despite the drastically declining quality of his films, however, Shyamalan always displayed a master’s touch behind the camera. Even the worst of his efforts contained tangible moments of suspense and intrigue.

Until this year, that is. 2006 saw the director’s hubris finally overwhelm all vestiges of his talent. Enjoying a level of control few directors ever achieve, M. Night’s Lady In The Water is so self-indulgent and monumentally awful that he deserves a face-stinging bitch-slap from critics and audiences alike.

Adapting a bedtime story he told his kids into a big budget summer release, this tedious and incoherent tale of water nymphs and the ‘power of myth’ is a train wreck of an ego trip. Shyamalan actually casts himself as a writer who must be convinced to pen the novel that will change the world. God help us all.